Pity Party

If you really don't want to hear me bitch and complain, I suggest you come back another day. I'm having a pity party, and while I tried to fight it off, it didn't work. I'm embracing it, going with it, and hopefully, just hopefully if I blog it out of my head, I'll be able to move on. That is my most sincere hope.

I try hard not to let all this get me down. I KNOW that things could be worse. I could have some horrid, painful disease, and that would be worse. But darn it. I'm tired of being sick, and so sick of being tired. I know it's cliche', but it's truly how I feel.

Most days I can accept that this is my life. It has been for many, many years now. But today, I don't want it to be anymore. I want to feel good, without the war of medication inside my body, I want to plan to have a baby, and have it happen. Just once. I don't want to be obese, and I'm tired of people looking at me and judging me by my weight.

The meds are working, I guess. The iron binds me up, and the met has the opposite effect. So I'm never really sure where I stand. Some times I'm fine, depending on what I eat, and I try to watch my carb/starch/sugar intake, so I don't get light-headed or headaches, or worse, the diarrhea. It's a no-win situation.

In other happy news the birth control pills are semi-working. I'm having break-through bleeding, so even though I don't have my "period" I'm still wearing a pad. Everyday. Ugh. In addition to the spotting/bleeding, I get moderate-severe cramps every afternoon about 2 p.m. into the evening. It's just a real joy.

I also confess that I have yet to start the phenteramine. Frankly, I'm afraid to. I know what to expect of the other medications, but how do I know with this one. Will it make me feel better? worse? Nothing at all? I have no idea. But today is the day. I need to set aside my fear, anxiety, maybe stubborn resistance? And just do it. As that infamous commercial says.

My hope is to one day, and hopefully in the near future, feel well enough, strong enough to do it without medications. To find a lifestyle, a new type of living, that helps me and my body have a normal life without side effects.

Hoping your day is happy...

Sometimes Life is Unfair

18 Kids and Counting?

Have you seen this show? It’s a reality TV show on Discovery Health featuring the Duggar family. They are a wholesome, Christian family continually adding to their brood. I have no issues with them, truly I don’t. However, I just can’t help but wonder at the unfairness of the world. This one family is able to have 18+ healthy, beautiful children. Couldn’t just one or two of them be for me? Really.

Tonight’s episode focused on their eldest, newly-married son Josh and his wife, Anna. They have been trying to conceive for 4 grueling months. In this episode Anna takes the test and has Josh look for the results. She can’t bear to. It’s too disappointing. Now, I know that in their life 4 months seems like a long time, but OH PUHLEASE. Four months? FOUR MONTHS? Try 9 freakin’ years. Seriously.

Okay, sorry. That was my pity party. They really are a nice couple and I wish them much happiness and a healthy pregnancy. But sometimes life just seems really unfair. All in all, I’m pretty happy with my life. Am I happy that we don’t have children? No. However, not having to move young children 3000 miles is just one of the positives that I can find to the whole situation. Sometimes you just have to focus on the positive.

I generally have a pretty good attitude about it all. However, I started this blog as an outlet for all of my emotions. For some reason I don’t seem to come here when I’m happy and okay about all the infertility business. I seem to write and reflect on the lower periods. You know. When I’m throwing myself a big ole pity party.

I think some of my issues stem around being the middle child. I wanted to be first. At one thing. I know, it’s silly, and as I say it out loud it sounds even more childish than just thinking it. But, it’s how I feel, and I refuse to apologize for that. Truth is, I won’t be first, at anything, but damn it, I can be the best! LOL.

Honestly, at this point in my life I would love for my brothers to make me an aunt. However, I know that in time they will, or won’t, depending on what they want from their lives. I love my niece, and both of my nephews, and they are growing up way too fast. Can you believe my niece graduates next month? It hardly seems possible.

So for now I wait. I wait for my time, for my first. So wait, I will.

Have a happy day!