Tired, Tired and More Tired

I have PCOS. This is not new information, and for those of you who know me personally, or have followed along, I was diagnosed many, many years ago now. After all, we have been TTC for well over 9 years. Every year my body changes. Not so much externally, I've been heavy for years, and while I don't like it, I find it very difficult to follow a healthy lifestyle plan that ends in me losing a recognizeable amount of weight. I am, however, changing internally. And I'm worried. I don't speak about it, I pass it off as "normal for me", but the truth be told, it worries me. A lot.

I have have been menstrating since May 14. I have had one or two days, since that period of time, that I have been without bleeding. Now, to be fair, this is fairly normal for me. It ranges from gushing, to mere spotting, back to the former, and so on. I am exhausted. I'm mad. I'm mad at myself for not being strong enough to do something about it, and I'm mad at God for making me this way. Like most things in my life, I feel if I ignore it, it will go away. It won't. And I have to face it. Head on. But I'm scared.

The thing that sucks the most? It's not the weight that is my foremost concern. It is important, probably most important, but I know that inevitably I will need a hysterectomy. While I'm looking forward to that day, when I can claim my life back, I dread it as well. For if indeed a hysterectomy is what I need, my chances of ever having the chance of a bio baby is gone. Most days I can deal with that, or I thought I could. But now it's my reality, and it's a pretty big dose of truth to swallow.

I have a lot of work to do. Too bad I'm so tired. Time to up my iron supplement I guess. Here's to finding the good in everything...

Family Guy

Sparky and I are a big fan of the animated show Family Guy. It's a great show full of off-color humor and while I have seen other shows that push the boundaries of really inappropriate humor, tonight I was really bothered and Sparky actually changed the channel. I know if he changes the channel, then I'm not being overly sensitive.

We were sitting watching the episode featuring Good Ole Bill Clinton, which is hilarious by the way, when all of sudden there was a scene, a ditty, about Prom night dumpster babies. Ugh. It was horrid. I was shocked. And so...angry. I know it was in jest, but I guess it's just much too personal for me. And truthfully it's something thtat bothers me. I know it's stereotypical. There are a lot of responsible teen mothers who raise their children, or place their children for adoption, but it just stung. It really hurt.

Anyway, moving on. So I know that I gave this huge rousing speech earlier in the week, but I have been busy, busy, busy. I have had no time to do anything with the adoption stuff. But I'm getting there.

I have changed my diet and am phasing out starches. I still have oatmeal for breakfast. I eat the traditional cook and serve, and also a cold oatmeal cereal. It's good for my cholestorol level which is elevated because of PCOS. So, that will be the last element I cut out in time. For now I'm phasing them out, and I have NO starches after lunch, and minimal at lunch. So far so good. But it's only Tuesday, of the first week. Ha! I think I'm reasonable, it will all come in time.

I have also started working out again. I'm doing videos at home, and really miss the home gym that I didn't use for the past 1.5 years. Man. But I did pick up two new videos and they seem to be good, both of them, in their own right. They are kicking my buttoon, so I figure that's a good guage. I'll let you know if/when I start to see results.

Have a great day!

Moving Forward

Somewhere over the weekend I took the trip to see the great and powerful Oz. I don't know when I found the time, but it must have been while I was sleeping. But whatever, I'm happy that it happened. He gave me great advice, as it turns out.

Since knowledge is power I have decided to continue gathering as much information as humanly possible. Why not? We still haven't made the decision of which direction we are planning to go. Brent is still learning toward attorney and networking ourselves, and I'm leaning towards an agency.

So I'm starting out by buying this book. I've heard that it's the best in the what's to know about everything adoption. After that I'm digging out the information that I received a couple weeks ago from an agency in Fairbanks, and then I'm going to continue down the list of numbers I have to seek out more information.

In between all of that I'm going to get my sorry butt working, since having children isn't exactly cheap, I need to start bringing in some money. In addition to that my brain is craving something to do on a daily basis.

Also, because my PCOS has had a nice long hiatus of a few months I'm going to be starting my Metformin, a common treatment for PCOS this morning. Met usually leaves me feeling pretty crummy, so it's a good thing that I'm home. I'll have to build up my tolerance over the next few weeks. That should give me something to complain, er I mean blog about, in the coming days.

I know I seem half crazy, but dealing with infertility is much more about the emotional and mental scars for me. After feeling like I've been knocked down time after time, I really just have to build myself up for the next portion of the journey. I'm beyond excited to finally become a mom, and I know that biology has NOTHING to do with love. Truthfully, I have no doubts about my ability to love whatever child/ren God has for us. In fact, I'm quite convinced that I just wasn't meant to have bio children. Great. Honestly, I just wish I'd figured that out sooner.

Heaven knows that the journey here has been full of ups and downs, but I'm fastening my seatbelt and getting ready for the next (and undoubtedly best) portion of the ride. Hands up, mouths open, leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet's gooooooooooooooooo!!!

Have a happy day!

PCOS

As I’ve posted in previous posts, I have PCOS. I was told by my previous Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) that I have one of the most severe cases of PCOS/insulin resistance that he’s ever seen. Seeing that this man is one of the top RE’s at the Mayo Clinic, it means something to me.

So, what to do? I have to change my life. And while that seems like a simple statement, the magnitude of this life is huge. But it’s literally necessary for me to live. If I don’t I will become a diabetic in a matter of a few years, and I will never, ever be able to think about carrying a bio child. That’s pretty huge.

I won’t lie and say that it wasn’t devastating to hear the first time around. But now that the information has sunk in, it has to become my reality. It’s too important not too. Since my insulin resistance is so severe I will have to modify my diet to never, or never in regular intervals, consume starches.

This of course does not mean that I can survive on bacon and fried eggs for eternity. It means healthy, wholesome lean meats and vegetables. Lots and lots of salad without the heavy dressings. Thankfully, I love veggies and meat. Now that we’re living in Alaska I’m trying to add more fish and seafood to the menu. We’ll see how that goes.

So we’re doing our best to remove certain foods, and significantly reduce other foods that we eat. As a whole, we eat well. We don’t buy processed foods, and we try to keep other fast foods to a minimum. Some how it’s never enough. I have to get more strict in order to start seeing the results I need. But then again, no one said life was easy.

Cha-cha-changes

It seems that everything in our world is changing right now. So, I say to myself, why not do a major extreme makeover on my ass. Why not? Life's short. Live fully or not at all. Enter change #752. Actually, I don't mind at all. It's really been a long time coming, and it's not something that I'm going to do to totally shock my body. I need to ease into it.

I will also, eventually, have to start my meds. Metformin. 2000mg daily is the goal. I will start with 500 mg working up to the desired amount. So, what's the problem? Well, let's see, it makes me, um, really, um, sick. Let's just leave it there. It will eventually (supposedly) make me feel better but initially it makes me feel like shit. Pure shit. No pun intended. lol.

In my opinion a large, perhaps the largest part of the infertility game is mental. It's hard. It's tiring. No, tiring is NOT the word, exhausting. It is EXHAUSTING. For me, it's the one thing that makes me put all my cards in, or out, at one time. It's just so hard to overcome. That's when the anger, resentment and self-pity come in. However, as a woman who wants a child/ren, I don't feel that I can let this rest until I do my best to become pregnant.

After that if it doesn't happen then I will happily run towards the nearest adoption agency. I really don't know what it is, but I feel I'm destined to adopt. I know, sounds strange, but don't you dare judge it until you've lived it. I feel that at least part of my family will be built through adoption. I'm really excited about that.

So, as I sit here waiting for sleep to grab hold, sipping my raspberry zinger tea with soymilk, I know that someday (hopefully soon) I'll be yearning for these days as I nurse an infant, comfort a toddler, scold a pre-teen...I can't wait.

PCOS Sucks.

One of my main issues with the move to Alaska, is the lack of medical care. Or perhaps it's more fair to say, my perception of the lack of medical care there. If I were a normal woman I would have no reservations about the move, family building wise anyway.

We're leaning toward, feeling drawn to, adoption. But what now? What? How do I begin? WHEN do I begin? So, for now, we're heading back towards the trying to conceive a bio child, and then if that doesn't work out, we'll move forward.

It's hard, and scary, emotionally. To put yourself out there, to set yourself up for the disappointment and the heartbreak. It's exhausting. The thought of it makes me want to give up. And we're no where near beginning yet. Ugh. But I need not get a head of myself. I have a lot of work to do before the fun begins. I need to get this frick frackin' PCOS under control. You know what? Screw control, I'm going to conquer this bitch once and for all.

Now, once I get Sparky packed up and on his way, game on.
Are you in?