Adoption Train

It's been a long time since I updated this blog. Partly because our homestudy/adoption plans stalled, and partly because I was thinking about merging this blog with my other blog. I've decided to keep them separately for numerous reasons.

We're back on track and I hope to have all our revisions done on our homestudy by the end of the next week, or so. We were doing well, until I managed to drop my computer and demolish the hard drive. Anyway, that behind us I need to find and load Microsoft Office and we're on our way.

I think we've also decided not to use the agency that did our homestudy. There are a couple different reasons but the biggest right now is their lack of understanding and support in choosing to not adopt from a specific race. It has nothing to do with the appearance of the children, and everything to do with the restrictions and expectations placed upon us. At this point, with the limited knowledge we have, we just don't feel that it is the best choice for our family. Apparently they're having a hard time with that. So, we're moving forward. Hmmm...

Other than that, life is good. We're excited about the future and taking on more and more. We're settled in, for now, to our little cabin in the woods, and have no immediate plans to leave. I guess you can say, we're content.

I've applied for school. College to be exact. Finally. It was something I was going to do when "the kids were in school". Pffft. It might be a while and I'm not getting any younger. For right now we've made no other big decisions. But that could change.

Happy reading! Happy to be back!

Perhaps it's not always best to name the post, and then write the post? Perhaps? I don't know. Things are chugging along. Still waiting on a completed homestudy. Brent has his physical next week, I need to check and make sure that the info has come back from my doctor, and then check with our caseworker to find out where we are, and what she still needs from us.

We have fabulous family and friends and they have ALL turned in letters of reference, or phone calls in some cases, and we are so very blessed.

At the moment we are trying to find financing. Not an easy task in the wilds of Alaska without home equity. We have other sources of income, but I'd really like to save those for the purposes they were intended, especially since a child brings the burden of responsibility, care and college. LOL.

In the meantime we are preparing for the future. Maintaining a level of hope and belief and planning a nursery. Who knew that a gender neutral nursery could be such a fear-inducing process. We're excited. We're viewing this as a pregnancy. Our baby may come sooner or later than the average pregnancy, but that's not the point. I know that he/she is out there, just waiting for us, like we're waiting for him/her. For me, that's good enough.

Happy day!

Stigma

I'm a cliche'. Wait, no I'm not. But I feel like a cliche'. I feel like any time I have an emotion other than graciousness and numbness, I'm going to be labeled "that crazy infertile woman". Today is one of those days.

We had a potential birth mother. She's decided to parent. Yes, I knew this might happen. Probably would happen. She has every right. She is the parent. But unfortunately that means I'm not supposed to feel anything but understanding and gratitude that she contacted me. You want the real truth. I'm disappointed. I didn't let myself believe that this was a lock, not by any means. And yes, she's early in her pregnancy, so anything could change. But I'm also not an idiot, and I'm certainly not going to put all my eggs in that basket. Period.

Even worse. Sparky is crushed, and we haven't even reached the hard part yet. I don't know if I can keep us both together. We're excited, and I think, more-than-a-little scared. But we'll make it through. I'll give him his time. And then we'll move forward. With smiles. In the meantime, facebook is littered with new babies and they're grateful mothers. We are going to a "meat and greet" for one of Brent's coworkers, to meet their new son. I can't help it. It's bittersweet.

And I'm mad. Mad that I can't just feel what I feel without having the guilt, shame and anxiety of having someone think I'm not strong enough to handle this. I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. But that doesn't mean I'm stone. It hurts. No matter how much I don't want it to. It stings and "in God's time", while it's true, only goes so far. And frankly, I just want to hold my baby in my arms, rock and kiss and cuddle that baby. But instead I'm being fingerprinted, interviewed and having my background checked. While I understand, I'm intelligent enough for that, it isn't the picture that comes to mind when I think of starting a family.

So I cry alone, for what could have been. And I smile for the rest of the world, because it's what makes them comfortable. I know life isn't fair, and I'm fine with that, I'm just looking for my miracle.

Up, Up, Up

We are climbing the adoption rollercoaster. As always life happens in between all our great plans, but we are plugging away at the application. Phew! It's long. But well worth the time and effort it takes to do it right. The first time. After all, you only get one first impression, right? So, that's where we are.

In the meantime, my mothering gene has been momentarily fulfilled by the addition of Cash. Cash is our now 8 week old yellow lab pup. He's sweet, cuddly and oh-so-naughty. He keeps us hopping, but only wakes 1-2 times a night. Which I happen to think is pretty good for a little guy.

I dare say that having a puppy, while not as intense as having a human baby, is fun, and makes me look forward to late night feedings, and all the lovely (and some not-so-lovely) things that come with parenting. After all, I see my fair share of poop each day as it is. Luckily it's all outside. :) Ha!

So, that's what's new. We're just hanging out, enjoying life in the Last Frontier and looking forward to less quiet nights, more busy days, and chaos. Because life is just more fun with more noise. Right?

Have a happy day!

Seasons Change Again

Fall is here! Well, fall is here and nearly over. I think that would be a better explanation of our weather here. But I'm not complaining. I'm soaking in every last single little bit of sunshine, and playing, playing, playing. That doesn't mean, however, that babies/kids/children/family aren't constantly on our minds. They have been for um, about 10 years now, so why should it be any different now.



We're still processing things. Doing research about our options, and trying to open our minds and expand our thinking beyond the boundaries we had previously set for ourselves, and for our family. Time does indeed heal all wounds, and brings closure to parts of our lives. For us, it's helped us realize what we want, and need perhaps, in a family. I certainly have come a long way in the years since we first began trying to build our family.



Sparky goes out of town next week and I'll use the extra time that I have, since he won't be here to haul me off into the woods, to do additional resource. Perhaps I'll even get brave and make some phone calls and inquiries. It's a scary business, to realize that with the right contact, the right decision, all of our dreams could come true.



Having a family is something that I always took for granted. And while I could dwell on the negatives of infertility I have a harder time doing that these days. There are too many things to be thankful for, so I try to focus on the positives, what I can do, what will happen, and what I can change about myself, my life. For 9 years my whole focus in life has been on babies. How to get them, why they weren't coming, and now, I'm happy to just live. Be happy, be present, let go and let God.

These days I'm active in our pursuit to become a slightly larger family, but I don't dwell. I'm filling up my life with new experiences, new goals, and a new focus on life. It's me time. I have never given myself the time to reach my potential. Whatever that may be. So, for now, I'm exploring, researching and just plain old having fun.

Have a happy day!

Trucking Along...

Well, I've been confused. And well, a little discouraged, and then I stopped. Now we're trucking along...again. I think we'll wait until winter to make any big decisions. But it's good to know that we are just that much closer to having a child in our home.

There are many things that we'll have to think about, living in rural Alaska. But they're mini challenges and I refuse to give up just because things might not go according to my plan. Ha! Oh, that's funny. My plan. My plan no longer exists, and I'm a-okay with that! Now we have a new plan, and I'm pretty sure I won't miss the old plan at all!

The word is getting out now, and for the most part, I think just about everyone we know, and even some we don't know, know that we hope to add through our family through adoption. I've been doing more research, and soul searching, and hopefully soon we'll know which way to go.

We are facing our first challenge happily, and while we are now considering options that we wouldn't have considered before, I feel confident that it will only lead us to the right path. The one in which we are destined to take.

Have a happy day!

One Step Forward...Two Steps Back

Yesterday I had my meeting with a local adoption agency. To say that things did not go well, may have been the understatement of the century. Between bouts of the agent trying to talk me out of adoption, accusing me of being close-minded and stupid, and telling me time and time again that I have to be patient, I quickly decided that this was most certainly NOT the agency for us.

Bottom line, we will look for an agency in the Lower 48 that does placements in Alaska. With a lower population, especially in Central Alaska, there just aren't as many children to adopt. Now that I have a bigger playing field I will have more research to do, and of course it will depend if the agency does out of state placements. We do have a list of agencies to start with, and I guess tiem will tell.

We have also discussed possibly searching for our own birthmother, so we have a lot of thinking to do, and it should make for an exciting winter.

It is exciting, frightening and mind-boggling but I'm sure the excitement will help make it less scary, and once we get comfortable with the process it will hopefully become more clear.

Have a happy day!

Up, Down, Up, Down

Can you see where I associate with the roller coaster? It's constant. One day I feel confident and secure in my decision, the next I get frustrated when things don't go my way. Apparently the day I wrote the last post I wasn't feeling any warm fuzzies. I am, however, happy to say that things are good.

I have found a job that I love. And no, it may not be what I was hoping for financially, but I feel fulfilled and I'm happy. We have decided to push forward. I have no idea how long the process will take, and my only major issue right now is that our living arrangements haven't changed, and that will probably delay our homestudy process.

We're both tired of waiting. We've really waited long enough. We soooo want to be parents. I am sure that there are one, or two, children out there that are meant to be ours. And that is exciting. I'm not afraid of adopting, or suddenly having everything I've been waiting for for 9 long years, I'm afraid of moving forward only to have to wait. Again.

I am choosing to ignore that possibility and push forward. So that's where we are. I am going to contact a couple local agencies to meet with them this week. And then check into any classes, seminars, counseling we may need. I am assuming that will depend on the agency we choose, and so on.

I'm so excited... :) Have a happy day!

Hmmmm...

I have been thinking about all of this for most of the day. I am looking for a job. I was so hopeful and excited today, everything seemed to be going my way. Then I checked the status on three jobs that I applied for, and they deemed me unqualified. Pffft. Wrong answer. I knew that finding a job would be challenging, but now that I know that once I actually get a job, and get things lined up we can start the paperwork and the process to finally being a family, with children, it seems like it just isn't going to happen.

I'm still optimistic, and hopeful, but I'm growing impatient, and nervous, and bummed. Sparky is convinced that I don't have a chance at the job that I really want, and while I'll admit that he's the more pessimistic of the two of us, I know that I have to think in terms of reality. I know no one. Well, I know like 6 people here. One being my husband, so that makes my chances even more slim. And well, these jobs are good jobs, highly sought after, for good reason, but dang it, I was really hoping that I might have a shot. I'm not out, and I have faith, but I have started applying for other jobs that aren't really exactly what I was looking for.

So, I'm trying to be patient, but I am so anxious to get this all started. I want to shout it from the roof tops, and I'm really anxious to finally meet my child. And I know that portion of it is still a ways off, but I'm really excited to move closer to the point in which I can meet my child. Hold him/her in my arms, and I'm not going to share. LOL. Okay, maybe I will, I just want to see who has been waiting for me, as long as I've been waiting for him/her. Now, is that too much to ask?

Summer is here!

Happy Summer!

We are hoping for a fun and busy summer. One of the jobs that I have applied for closes at the end of this week. I am excited and hopeful, but also aware that it may not happen, and have begun making a list of other options. Hopefully I won't need them, but just in case, I'm prepared.

This week we are also hoping to finalize everything with the new rental. The owner is young, having fun, and very busy, which is great, but I need to get some things hammered out as the one month deadline is coming up very soon. So that's on the list of things to do.

Other than that, we are just enjoying our new decision. Growing increasingly comfortable with it every day, and I've noticed that Brent is voicing this decision, almost more than I do. That's the interesting twist. In the past Brent has always been more resistant to adoption, but now he's all for it, full speed ahead, which is great.

This week I'm also hoping to research more agencies in Alaska, and hopefully find some real information that doesn't come from a book. We don't know anyone here who has adopted through an agency, like we did in Minnesota, so it turns the tables a little bit. However, I am a firm believer in trusting my instincts, so I think we'll be fine. With instinct and prayer we will prevail! Ha!

So, happy day! I'll be back when I have some real news!!

Happy Birthday To Me

Today is my birthday. Normally, I am depressed by my birthday. Usually it's just another reminder that I am older, that my eggs are older, and that my chances of becoming a mother are slimmer. But not today. Today I am happy. I am blessed. I have a great life, and soon (Oh Dear God, PUHLEASE let it be soon) we'll be starting the adoption process. I am SO ready to be a mom. So. Ready. Well, I think I'm ready which I'm sure is much different than actually being ready.

So tomorrow when we pick up and pack away to a cabin in the woods, I will use that time to reflect on the last year, and to hope and pray for the pitter patter of tiny feet in the new one. I'm older, and hopefully wiser, and much more at peace with my life than I was even months ago. It's amazing what one (seemingly) small decision can make in your life.

So, today is indeed, a HAPPY Birthday!

Have a happy day!

Chug, Chug, Chug

We continue to chug upward and onward. Hopefully things will continue to fall into place, but if not I think I'm prepared for that. I think. Ha!

Well, since making the decision, we have both been relieved and happy. The position that I had a head's up on has opened up, and I applied promptly, but I'm sure there will be many others who also applied. It's with the same company as Sparky, so that would be great. And we found out that his company does offer adoption support, so that's a double bonus. I need to get out the manual today to figure out some numbers, but that really is wonderful. I'm super excited about it.

Next item on the list is finding a new place to live. Well, technically we've found the place, it's just to figure out if we can make it work once our lease here is done. We may have a couple months of difference between the end of this lease, and the the availability of the house. But we'll see what happens. Maybe it will work, maybe not. Our only complaint here is the lack of space. Other than that, we like it here, so we'll see what happens.

Spring is springing here, and it's been great. I think the sun has helped me maintain a positive attitude, well, that and the excitement. Have I mentioned that I'm excited? lol. Anyway, there are still some questions we need answered, in terms of agencies, but other than that we're just chugging forward.

Have a happy day!

Signs in the Goofiest Places

Sometimes you find messages in the most unexpected places. Let me explain.

Sparky and I talk about adoption and building our family very often. I have known for a couple years now that adoption was in our future at some point. But tonight, we finally sat and just talked about it. Our hopes, our dreams and how to proceed.

In the past I was bothered by logistics and things beyond my control. It wasn’t until someone pointed out that ultimately what comes next is our decision. Within our control. I don’t know why hearing it that day made a difference, but it really brought things into focus for both of us.

Today we knew that we will move forward with adoption as soon as possible. All I need now is a job. I cannot even begin to explain how excited we both are. I mean really, finally our dreams of becoming parents will come to fruition. It’s been a long journey, but we’re both ready for it.

Now, the message. Where did it come from? Sex in the City, The Movie. Who knew? I guess it’s just how it’s meant to be sometimes. Kind of crazy.

Here’s hoping all your dreams come true!

Gathering

Well, it seems like I have momentarily forgotten that this blog existed. Okay, that's not true, but I haven't had much to update. I'm still unemployed, and since adoption agencies generally like to be paid, that might be an issue. So, I'm hanging out, waiting for the right opportunity.

Right now my days are spent focusing on becoming healthier. We did quite a bit of hiking, and I realized I need to work on my cardio, and weight loss. So, now that little Willie has flew the coop that's my focus.

I wish, every single day, that my fate would change and by some miracle we would get pregnant, or a baby would magically drop into my life, however, reality strikes and it's fine. Sometimes I just get tired of the work that goes into building a family. However, someday my kids will see this, read this and realize how long we've wanted them.

This month notes the 9 year mark. 9 years ago we decided that we wanted a child, we flung ourselves headfirst into babymaking, and started the long, winding road. And while we don't have our long-awaited child, I now see an end in sight to our longing and sadness and cannot wait to start the next portion of our trip.

So, that's where I am. TRYING to wait patiently. However, patience is not something that runs in my family tree. Have you met my father? Or me? Patience is not a word I would use to describe either of us.

Hopefully soon I'll be writing about my great job, and moving forward with choosing an agency, and hopefully some day soon, adding a sweet little bambino to our family tree.

Have a happy day!

Relaxing

Now that I have put my mind at ease I have been able to just relax and enjoy life. I am expecting the arrival of a baby in my house tonight. That was fast huh? LOL. Actually I have volunteered to puppy sit the most adorable 9 week old black lab puppy. Willy.

For now I am searching for other things to obsess about. I am currently seeking work. We moved a couple months ago, and I was undecided as to what I would do. Now I've decided that while I like spending my days in my sweats and/or pajamas, I also crave human interaction. I would like to talk to someone. Actually speak. So, that's my main objective now.

Plus, the extra funds would be nice to put away and rebuild the savings account. And let's face it, money is necessary for children. They are small, but they require a lot of stuff. Oh, boy. Have I mentioned we live in 750 square feet? Lol. Seriously. It will be just fine and I'm concerned about it in the least.

So for now I'm happy, calm and relaxed about all of it. It's been a long time since I've felt that. I spent a lot of time sad, depressed, numb, and then I just didn't think about it at all. At all. So now I'm happy and relaxed. And relieved. What a lovely feeling.

Have a happy day!

Dreams

As you can tell by the past few posts I'm having issues. It's a very weird sensation, but I'm having a very strong urge to have a bio child. It could be that my birthday is coming soon, or it could be that I am finally letting myself think about it all. I haven't done that in a long time. I'm pretty good at putting things away and compartmentalizing them. But for some unknown reason, the urge to bear a child is undeniably strong right now.

I will recognize that it will pass. Perhaps it's a character flaw of mine. I don't know. Maybe it's normal? I don't know that either. What I do know is right now nothing is out. I am simultaneously researching and seeking out adoption information and reading about infertility and how to overcome it. I have even gone so far as to rule out some agencies here in Alaska. There are still a couple agencies I'm having a hard time reaching, but I am confident in time I will. Though it troubles me slightly to not get a prompt response, and that may be something to note for future communications.

Last night didn't help. I had a very vivid and real dream about having, holding and nursing my newborn child. So vivid that I woke clenching my blanket to my chest as if protecting a newborn. That didn't help the baby pangs either.

I feel guilty about wanting a bio child. And then get angry that I feel guilty about wanting to experience pregnancy. Then roll my eyes and think that I'm silly for all of this. And then I just decided that I don't care if it seems strange to someone else. I have to do this my way. And if someone wants to judge me, feel free. I have had enough regrets in my life, I'm not about to add another one.

So, that's where I am. Technically I can't move forward with either until we make some decisions. For bio child, I am working on my physical issues. The ones that I can control. And for adopted child, we have to decide if we are going to stay in this house, and some other decisions before I feel comfortable pushing forward. So, I have time, and I'm going to take that time to do what's best for me, and my family.

Here I sit. My mind still reeling. But at least it's positive, happy decisions to make. And I sit here and realize my life can, and has, been a lot worse. So, I'm not going to sweat the small stuff. Hell, maybe I'll just do both.

Have a happy day!

Flipping and Flopping...

Okay, I just want to say that I'm not a twit. I'm not. But I'm not one that takes responsibility lightly. And I also have this guilt complex. I want to clarify that my reservations are not with adoption itself. I'm very clear on that. And I have no doubt that at the minimum a portion of our family will come through adoption.

I have an issue with being told what to do. I'll take it from God. After all, He's the Master, and His word is the only word. However, it is my defiant nature, just ask my parents (ha!), that I strongly resist someone bossing me around. Okay, so this is where the indecision comes in. I don't want to be rude, or rash, or say something in haste.

I have come to terms with my infertility. Having a biological child is no longer something that I have to do. It is simply something that I would like to do. However, no matter how much I try, I may never have a biological child. And that truly is fine. My issue is being told that once I adopt a child I no longer have a right to decide whether or not to pursue more fertility treatments. We may, or we may not, but in my opinion, that is our choice. It is not for someone else to decide.

So, that is where my indecision lies. I am still convinced that adoption is how our family will be built. Whether it's 100% or not, I have no idea. That's my sticking point. But we are still researching agencies, seeking out information, and networking in any way, shape and form. I do not doubt my ability to love any child. Whether that child is red or yellow, black or white, biological or adopted, male or female has no determination on my ability to bond or love. The process may be different, but I know the result will be the same. I have NEVER doubted that.

I think the process for others is quicker. But once I commit I can guarantee there will be no going back. I will commit. I AM committed.

Have a happy day!

Indecision

I'm a flip-flopper. I just am. It's in me. Every time I think I'm A-OK with something, I start to make a mental list of pros and cons. Or I freak out a bit.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am fully on board with adoption. I have had one issue with it since the beginning of the true research phase. Most adoption agencies want infertile couples to completely put trying to conceive behind you. I just don't know if I can. Or if I'm ready to do that.

I would like to have control over that aspect of my life. I don't. I haven't ever. So it ticks me off a little bit that my reproductive future is so important to someone else. I just don't know what it matters. Isn't it my choice? Shouldn't it be my choice. I have no doubt that at least a portion of my family will come through adoption, so what should it matter in which order that happens.

I have made no definite decisions about anything. Because, thankfully, I don't have to right at this minute. However, the decision will have to come sooner or later.

Any ideas??

Have a happy day!

Humming Along

Lately I've been reading. Sparky and I have been talking a lot about adoption, and just waiting to feel a little more settled. I think right now the major issue will be finding space for another body in this house. I don't care about perfect anymore, that went out the window nearly 9 years ago. But it would be nice to have the physical space for at least a bassinet.

Sparky has a co-worker whose wife deals with adoptions. I don't know if she's with an agency, or in what capacity, but I am interested in speaking with her. When we were in Minnesota we had first hand recommendations from a family friend regarding an agency. Here, we're free falling. So, at the minimum I'm hoping that she can provide me with people who have adopted here in Alaska.

Brent has another co-worker that adopted his 4 year old. However, it was a family adoption, and it was completed before they arrived here. That doesn't help me out. So for now I continue to gather information and hope and pray for guidance.

This step is exciting. I'm hoping we'll be making it very, very soon. And I'm looking forward to what the future holds for our family.

Have a happy day!

In My Freetime...

Yesterday I decided to take the plunge. Well, not THE plunge, but I took the plunge in the kiddy pool. Which means that I was wet to my shins, or ankles. Ha! Anyway, the point is that I finally sat down with the information from Fairbanks Counseling & Adoption.

The packet was good, informative and provided me with a good overview of their agency. They work with all couples whether they provide only home study services for those couples/parents seeking out a birth mom on their own, to domestic adoptions, to international adoptions, to special needs adoptions.

In their packet they included articles from various publications, about an example of each type of adoption that their agency provides. Included in that information, much to my surprise and delight, was a blogger friend, Laurie and her family at Pho For Five. I have been reading Laurie's blog for quite a bit of time because although their adoption story is unique and individual, they have two sons through adoption, and a biological daughter.

So, I read through the information. It was good, and clear, concise and now I'm ready to search out more information and keep plugging forward. There were some pleasant surprises, but I really do need to seek out more information and more agencies. And I'm still waiting for that book.