Dreams

As you can tell by the past few posts I'm having issues. It's a very weird sensation, but I'm having a very strong urge to have a bio child. It could be that my birthday is coming soon, or it could be that I am finally letting myself think about it all. I haven't done that in a long time. I'm pretty good at putting things away and compartmentalizing them. But for some unknown reason, the urge to bear a child is undeniably strong right now.

I will recognize that it will pass. Perhaps it's a character flaw of mine. I don't know. Maybe it's normal? I don't know that either. What I do know is right now nothing is out. I am simultaneously researching and seeking out adoption information and reading about infertility and how to overcome it. I have even gone so far as to rule out some agencies here in Alaska. There are still a couple agencies I'm having a hard time reaching, but I am confident in time I will. Though it troubles me slightly to not get a prompt response, and that may be something to note for future communications.

Last night didn't help. I had a very vivid and real dream about having, holding and nursing my newborn child. So vivid that I woke clenching my blanket to my chest as if protecting a newborn. That didn't help the baby pangs either.

I feel guilty about wanting a bio child. And then get angry that I feel guilty about wanting to experience pregnancy. Then roll my eyes and think that I'm silly for all of this. And then I just decided that I don't care if it seems strange to someone else. I have to do this my way. And if someone wants to judge me, feel free. I have had enough regrets in my life, I'm not about to add another one.

So, that's where I am. Technically I can't move forward with either until we make some decisions. For bio child, I am working on my physical issues. The ones that I can control. And for adopted child, we have to decide if we are going to stay in this house, and some other decisions before I feel comfortable pushing forward. So, I have time, and I'm going to take that time to do what's best for me, and my family.

Here I sit. My mind still reeling. But at least it's positive, happy decisions to make. And I sit here and realize my life can, and has, been a lot worse. So, I'm not going to sweat the small stuff. Hell, maybe I'll just do both.

Have a happy day!

Tuesday Top Ten- Vacations

Welcome to Tuesday's Top Ten. These are my top ten vacation destinations and why. Aren't you intrigued? Ha!

10. Greece- Where to start? Olives, beaches of Mykonos, coastline drenched in white houses in Santorini, feta cheese. Mix all of that with the mystique of the Greek gods and mythology, what isn't to love?

9. Las Vegas- VEGAS BABY!!! I love all things Vegas. Tacky fuzzy dice, strip clubs, gambling (if nickel slots count), Elvis impersonators, and more topless women than one could possibly count. Now, that makes me sound a little tacky, but there are also world class shops to window shop, shows, shows, shows, and even though Celine is gone, I'm sure we could find something decent to watch.

8. England- This is a recent addition to my schedule. I'm just beginning to explore all that England has to offer. And who wouldn't love a country with a woman in control! lol. All kidding aside, Big Ben, The Tate Modern, The Natural History Museum. It's all just the tip of the iceberg.

7. Spain- I would love to see Spain. LOVE IT. Of course, I don't feel the experience would be complete without witnessing the running of the bulls. Now, I would never in a million years take part in it, but to see it would be fascinating, and scary as hell. The National Parks, the castles, wouldn't it be lovely?

6. Conneticut- What a change of pace, huh? I have this picture in my mind of Conneticut in the fall. Apples, foliage, and lots of people in sweater sets. Okay, so maybe my vision is a little too much Baby Boom, but I would still love to explore Conneticut in the fall. Find some fabulous B&B as we amble along just finding whatever we come across.

5. New York City- So, New York. In order to accomplish all the things that I would love to do I would prefer to live in NYC for about a year. I want to see it all. All. I would love to attend a fashion show, tour fabulous penthouse apartments, and eventually have a chance to design and decorate them. I would love to spend a considerable amount of time at the Waldorf Astoria, Rockefeller Center at Christmas, and all the touristy things there are. I would love to see show after show on Broadway, visit Serendipity for some frozen hot chocolate, and just visit every museum, park, nook and cranny. Just thinking about it makes me heart beat just a little faster.

4. Germany- I spent 2 weeks in Southern Germany when I was in high school. Not long after the fall of the Berlin wall. I would LOVE to have a chance to explore more castles, visit my host family and see how they've changed and grown. I want to amble through the countryside and find the village where the houses are each painted with a different fairy tale, and I would KILL for some spaghetti eis in Holzwickede. I'd love to find the discotheque in Munich where I tasted my first dark brew, and I'd love to go for the passion play in Garmisch-Partenkirchen. The costuming is fantastic and I would love to watch it in the ancient stone theatre where it's dramatized. I'd love to show it to my husband.

3. Norway- The land of my forefathers. Well, half of them at least. When I picture Norway I envision sweeping cliffs cloaked in emerald green poking out over the ocean. I don't know much about Norway but I would love to explore all that it has to offer. Perhaps even track down some distant relatives.

2. France- This is where the other half of my forefathers lived. Well, perhaps it was my foremothers. Ha! I dream of sipping some fabulous champagne in the City of Lights, chateaus, museums, wine, some more wine, and oh, maybe some wine. I'd love to shop and shop, and maybe find myself a nice little Louis. Hmmm...a girl can dream.

1. New Zealand- After seeing scenery from the Lord of the Rings I became smitten with New Zealand. It quickly climbed to the top of my list and I'm looking forward to exploring every last inch of this island. Someday...

I want to be a pumpkin farmer...

Can y0u picture me in overalls, with my pitchfork in hand? Some of those who know me would say that it's an odd match of a profession for me, and others would think that it would fit perfectly. But two years ago I was obsessed with being a pumpkin farmer. OBSESSED. I still have a very detailed business plan waiting...just in case I should happen to stumble upon acres of land.

This time of year. Autumn. It leaves me longing for my school days and my hometown. However, something's are only meant to be memories. Sometimes are much, much better than the reality. I love Hometown, I love the feeling I get when I drive down mainstreet, I love that I recognize faces in faces, I love that I feel at home there. However, there are things about Hometown that would be difficult to embrace. Some of the things that I love, are also some of the things that keep me away. I'm fortunate, I guess, that two of my closest friends, and most of my family still live in the area. So, I get the best of both worlds. I get to visit, whenever I'd like, and I get to leave, when the familiar feeling closes in on me.

I still love the idea of working the land, turning the pumpkins to maintain their perfectly round shape, to grow and welcome, and show and guide. The activities, the food, the comforts of home. But I can have those with or without my pumpkin farm. Ahhh, autumn in my state. It truly can't be beat.