Possibilities and Disappointments

As the title of the blog suggests, adoption is a roller coaster ride. One minute you're up, the next you're down. Then you're down for a while, and all of sudden you get this amazing facebook message and your entire world changes.

Incidentally, an amazing facebook message is where it started. There were no promises, and in the end, the maybe baby that started it all was not meant to be. Miss Carlee went to Heaven at 22 weeks. She was named by her mother, not by me.

Once we had put that behind us, we moved forward. Only to discover that just because you want something really badly, and can afford it, doesn't mean the process is going to be easy. We are struggling with financing. It's hard. Lending regulations have tightened, and we don't have cash in the ready in the amount we need. So, perseverance is part of the process and we moved forward. I found an agency that does their own financing. Sounds great. But the price tag is about $15,000 MORE than the first agency we chose. Either way. We're confused.

Then Friday came another wonderful facebook message. From a dear friend. Telling us about a 5 yo boy, eligible for adoption. In Minnesota. We're waiting for more information, and praying for guidance. God can give me all the signs he wants, however, my interpretation of them is sometimes off. And when it's not off, I'm freaked out. I'm a girl that likes adventure and yet I'm scared silly!

So, we wait. We pray. And we wait some more...

Busy Is An Understatement

Well, it seems that my life is about to get a little bit busier.  I referred to this subject in my last post, but didn't really "go" there as not to jinx myself.  Well, it's official.  I've been offered the position and I've accepted the assignment.  Here we go...full steam ahead.

What am I talking about?  I'll be working on base for a couple months.  I'm a temp employee working for Boeing, so I'm not employed by them, but by Volt Services.  A-okay.  The assignment will begin at 40 hours/week and it's expected to eventually become 60 hours/week.  We'll see.  Bottom line, it's only a couple of months and I can handle it. I've been skating by the past few months.

Now, I'm still keeping my permanent job at Durham Realty, I'll just be mixing around and adjusting my hours to accomodate my new schedule.  I told you my boss rocks.  Of course it's works out that we're slow this time of year.  And then when the temp job ends I'll start in on real estate classes.  Phew.  Told you I'd be busy. ;)

In addition, like I don't have enough going on, I've started my own business.  Sassy.  It's a fun job, developed just for fun, selling designer inspired handbags and accessories.  I dreamt copied the concept for parties that I've attended in the past.  And discovered that there are none here.  Open market. :)  Yay.  So, I tentatively now have 3 parties on the books.  We'll see if they pan out.

In between we'll continue to research and search adoption options.  And hopefully FINALLY decide on the path, avenue, trail that we're destined for.  I will admit it's been on the bottom of the list, but never far from my mind.  I guess maybe it's time for Brent to do some research.  LOL.  We'll see...

Last night I had dinner with a group of ladies that I'd never met before.  It was quite a mixed bag, and I generally find the fertile women a little bit much to deal with.  It could have been my frame of mind, or the delicious pinot grigio I was sipping, but the bouncy twenty-somethings with eggs ready-to-fire, didn't bother me much.  Eh, let 'em have 'em.   I don't need that particular super power.  Ha!  In all seriousness, I wish much to reproduction to those who can, will and want.  It's just that I believe in humor and sometimes you just have to laugh about it.  Seriously.

So, I guess it's just the way the wind blows.  I've spent so much time being angry, heart broken, and confused about it all, that it really feels good to just go with the flow.  See what happens.  Figure it out as the time comes.  And right now, I have forms to fill out, cups to pee in, and badges to get.  I'm busy.  And that's an understatement.

Have a happy day!

Gathering

Well, it seems like I have momentarily forgotten that this blog existed. Okay, that's not true, but I haven't had much to update. I'm still unemployed, and since adoption agencies generally like to be paid, that might be an issue. So, I'm hanging out, waiting for the right opportunity.

Right now my days are spent focusing on becoming healthier. We did quite a bit of hiking, and I realized I need to work on my cardio, and weight loss. So, now that little Willie has flew the coop that's my focus.

I wish, every single day, that my fate would change and by some miracle we would get pregnant, or a baby would magically drop into my life, however, reality strikes and it's fine. Sometimes I just get tired of the work that goes into building a family. However, someday my kids will see this, read this and realize how long we've wanted them.

This month notes the 9 year mark. 9 years ago we decided that we wanted a child, we flung ourselves headfirst into babymaking, and started the long, winding road. And while we don't have our long-awaited child, I now see an end in sight to our longing and sadness and cannot wait to start the next portion of our trip.

So, that's where I am. TRYING to wait patiently. However, patience is not something that runs in my family tree. Have you met my father? Or me? Patience is not a word I would use to describe either of us.

Hopefully soon I'll be writing about my great job, and moving forward with choosing an agency, and hopefully some day soon, adding a sweet little bambino to our family tree.

Have a happy day!

Baby, Baby, Baby

Spring is a natural time for babies. Animals, birds, humans. What a lovely time of the year. I don't know what it is about spring that makes it seem like anything is possible. Anything. We are still chugging along on the adoption track. Sparky's co-workers wife (which I may have mentioned in a previous post) works with adoptions in Alaska. What a wonderful resource at our finger tips. The problem? I have yet to meet her! J is out of work on military duty for the next couple weeks, so for now we're just hanging out, waiting for things to shuffle into place.

I watched the most beautiful Adoption Story on the Discovery Channel today. I sometimes am embarassed that it took me so long to see the writing that was there all along. However, I know that it's all about the right child for us and God's timing. It has very little to do with us. Very. Little. Anyway, this story was about a couple in California that adopted twins from foster care. Ziggy and Nola. OMGoodness. They were the cutest little boogers. And it just made my heart leap. It was beautiful from beginning to end and I sobbed through the whole thing.

So, for now we're enjoying spring, and planning for the future. Sometimes I find it hard not to get ahead of myself. But honestly I cannot help it, I have been researching furniture, car seats, diapers, bottles, etc. Like I said, my mind is off to the races!

Happy Spring!

Baby Willie

I would imagine that having a puppy in the house is much like having an infant. No, I don't have to feed him at midnight, but with a teeny, tiny bladder we went out many times during the night. Also, he was all kinds of wound up and didn't want to sleep. Every time I'd drift off he'd pop up and lick/bite me in the nose. But he's super cute.

In many ways I think a human infant might be easier. Diapers. No going outside into the vast wilderness to potty the little devil. Oh, and have I mentioned his penchant for ducking under the porch and playing hide-and-seek at 3 a.m.? Not. So. Amusing. But he's really cute.

Honestly though, I am hopeful and surprised at the amount of patience that I've had with Willie and Ches, and well, I might actually be good at this parenthood thing. I have, however, made a command decision. No puppies. Not until the kids are old enough to help care for them. I cannot even imagine if I had to deal with babies and puppies. YIKES!!!

Have a happy day!

More than my Infertility

I'm on facebook. Are you on facebook? Anyway, it's a great tool for staying in touch. It seems like everyone gets busier and busier these days and no one has time for a full email let alone a full phone call. Anyway, on facebook they put together all these little notes. In one note you are to name 25 random things about you. One of my 25 things was this:



My infertility does not define me and will not keep me from being a mother.



It's true. I am so much more than this label that has been placed on me. Most infertile women are more than this horrible, horrible thing that has happened to them, and yet, it seems like it's the only thing that some of the people in their lives can remember about them.

Infertility has changed me. I no longer take things for granted, I'm no longer willing to just take someone else's word and leave it at that, I am stronger, I am strong-willed, and I am less romantic about most notions in life.

For a long time I have regretted not completing college. At the time, I just wasn't ready. I had no desire once I got there, all I wanted was to get married and have children. I have always planned on going back to school when the kids were in school. Sounds reasonable and normal. However, 9 years later I still want to go to school, and there are no children. So, now I have to re-evaluate another portion of my life and come up with a solution that I am happy with.

That seems what my life has become. Re-evaluations and solutions, or compromises if you will. But I guess that's what life always is.

I've Been Thinking

Have you ever been driving along and heard a song that sparked a particular memory? Or maybe it was a feeling? An emotion? We were driving today and we were listening to a Don Williams CD. Listening to him sing of family, love and babies brought a lot of feelings and emotions to our conversation.

We both think a lot about family. We have wanted children for so long, that sometimes it feels as though it may never be a reality. But it will. I just have to have faith, and remember that it's not my timing, but God's that is important.

Brent and I didn't start out thinking that our family would be formed through adoption. I just assumed that we'd get married, and have perfect, evenly spaced babies like everyone else I knew. It took some time for both of us to realize that perfection doesn't really exist. And it doesn't necessarily apply to everyone's life. Yes, it works out beautifully for some. For me, not so much, I like to take the windy path instead.

I think adoption used to be this scary thing where babies were whisked off in the middle of the night to never know their first mothers, and their mothers were never to know them. Great strides have been made in understanding the entire adoption structure. It's no longer a cut and dried process. There are so many options, and each situation is different from the first. Great laws and processes have been put in place to help birth mothers and adoptive parents create the perfect situation for their child.

So, while we didn't start out expecting our family to be built with outside help, now I only see it as normal. How it could be. Maybe even how it should be.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Christmas is my favorite time of year. A time of great joy, for it's Jesus Christ's birthday. A time to feast on the bounties that God has placed before us. Family, friends, food and gifts chosen with care and love.

It's the time of year that brings out the best, and worst, in people. Some find it a time to reach within themselves and give. Some give time, others money, some gifts of necessity for those less fortunate.

I usually find myself searching my heart, to find the answers to questions long left behind in thought. I am always drawn to church, to religion, to prayer.

This is our first Christmas without our grandpa's. Sparky and I both lost our dear grandfathers in July. While I mourn the loss of my Grandpa Elmo, I think the love, devotion, and loss felt by Sparky for Grandpa Earl goes deeper. Anyone who knew Grandpa, loved Grandpa. I loved him as my own, and I didn't meet him until I was 19 years old. But that love was real. Grandpa loved too. He loved Grandma Helen with all of his being. They had known eachother, and loved eachother a lifetime, and it still wasn't enough. He loved his children, and each and every grandchild, and great grandchild. He loved them all deeply and truly.

He and Sparky shared a connection that I know I don't have the words to explain. But you could see it between them, like a spark in the night. This deep understanding of eachother. It's a connection that I don't have with Sparky, and a love that will never be replaced. It was a special love, a special bond, and I know Sparky grieves his grandpa daily. Today was a difficult day for him, for many reasons.

I cannot lie that I hoped since we both lost so much this year, so much, so close, that we would be blessed with the ultimate of blessings. I was convinced that since God had chosen to take two loved ones in such a short time, that it could only mean that our loss would be filled with the love of a child. Our child. We have tried to fill the loss, longing, and emptiness we feel with other activities, other vices. In some ways the longing and hurt has driven us apart, if even just a little, in other ways it has pulled us to eachother. Pulled us closer than ever.

It's a comfort to me to know that he understands. He truly understands the loss that I feel, the longings I have, the emptiness I feel in my heart. I would gladly and truly give up anything I have, or could have, for a child. I know that someday my sadness and hurt will turn to joy and eternal elation, but for now, I smile and try not to be sad when I see the families in cards that we receive each day.

This year we also celebrated our newest nephew's first Christmas. Little Toryn was born to Sparky's brother and his wife last January. What a way to start the new year! He is such a blessing. A healthy little reminder of all that is good in the world. He is happy, and smiley, and active and so, so loving. He's a ham, who loves the attention he receives in bushels from his doting parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.

Merry Christmas, whether it be your first, or your last. Know that God is good, and love surrounds you.

Is it too early for New Year's Resolutions?

I'm not sure if it's a resolution, or more a goal. But my goal is to become a parent (or come closer to becoming a parent) in 2009. I may not get here as often as I'd like in the coming weeks, because we're moving. But I'll try to update as often as possible.

Babies are always on my brain. What's on yours?

Happy Holidays!

A long and winding road...

So, I would like to say that with everything else on our plates we haven't had time to think about babies. This is so, so, so astronomically untrue. Our feelings of loss always escalate this time of year. We should be out shopping, taking pics of our little ones (not so tiny by now if it had happened) with Santa, at church Christmas programs, and various other seasonal joys. This year we don't have a tree because of the move, however, we didn't have one last year either. I just couldn't find a reason to celebrate.

Of course along with our moving plans we get the "oh, how exciting" or "how daring", and then the slap in the face "well, at least you don't have kids to worry about", or some variation of possibly the dumbest, most insensitive thing people can say. Um, you know me, It's been 8 years, 7 months since we decided to start our family. 8 freakin' years. Almost 9. I'd much rather have the "inconvenience" of children. I know that I shouldn't take it so personally, they're only trying to be excited and supportive, but it hurts, it sucks, and it always takes my breath away and leaves me momentarily speachless.

So many people in our lives are obsessed with perfection. The perfect child at the perfect moment in the perfect situation. Are you kidding? Have you learned nothing from our experience? Perfection does not exist. Does. Not. Exist. Not for me anyway. But in all of this, I am sure, scratch that, Iam POSITIVE that our perfect, sweet, adorable baby is waiting for just the right moment. Dear God, please let it be soon.

An exciting week so far!

So, it's been a pretty exciting week so far. I started it off in my hometown with my family. A nice visit was had, and we headed South for the winter. lol. We got home to snow and ice.

Tuesday morning I was late to work due to bad roads and bridge closures. The interstate was fine once I got there.

Okay, the exciting part is that I started a blog for my family and friends to track our trek to Alaska. Are you sick of hearing me talk about it yet? I am. You can see it here at To Alaska...and Beyond!

Also, my cousin and his darling wife added a third son to their family. Kellan Joseph was born yesterday afternoon and joins big brothers Eithan and Kaiden. Mommy and Kellan are doing well.

Now, I need a bed. I'm about to keel over.

The New Love of my Life

Oh my Goodness. This my friends, is the new love of my life. Of course, he and his big sister Spunky (and my niece and nephews) are tied for that position, but isn't he gorgeous? Absolutely perfect. I fell in love months ago, but today I became a smitten kitten.

He's a true and honest blessing. Mom & baby are healthy, happy and resting. I'm so thankful that they're both doing alright. Congratulations Sassy & Jay.

Happy Birthday Rocco! We love you!

Please.

I'm having a hard time. I admit it. Nothing in life is easy, but lately it seems that our life is a giant hamster wheel and we're getting no where fast. No. Where. I swear that every single person I know is pregnant, just had a baby, a new grandparent, a newly expectant grandparent, and frankly, I want to scream. SCREAM. Top of my lungs, raspy throat, blood curdling scream. Ugh. Enough already.

This situation is of course exacerbated by the fact that my dear friend is pregnant which I wrote about here. And I am really, truly excited for Bubba to arrive. So, why? Why do I feel like it may never happen for me? Why do I not get to experience the pure elation, the swollen ankles, the exhileration and exhaustion of a newborn. Why?

You know. Most of the time I can put it behind me. But it's getting harder. Each day I grow older, I grow more scared, and I grow more tired. Why hope? Why dream? So many of my hopes and dreams have been dashed. There is never enough time, enough money, enough will power, enough...me. What makes me not enough? Why was I chosen and not someone else? Someone else less worthy of the love of a child.

Most days I like to believe that God had a bigger plan. Not a better plan, just a bigger one for me. But some days it's hard to see the silver lining in the dark heaviness over head. Sometimes, I just want it to happen, without having to cry, to poke, to prod, to hurt, to bargain.

I want to be a mom. More than anything in the world. I only need one. Please.

She's having a baby...

So in all the drama with Alaska, I have neglected to update you on my life. My good friend, S, is expecting her second child in the coming weeks, possibly days. I'm fortunate that I have good friends. The road of infertility is hard, and I've been shocked by the callousness of people I allowed into my life. Those who have taken my innermost private feelings and used them against me. Some of my "friends" have taken my reactions, my feelngs, and used them to turn others against me, or make me seem like less of a friend because of them. These people are no longer a part of my life.

Back to S. When she was expecting her first child, Spunky, she was gracious enough to include me in every portion of the pregnancy. I was even there when we found out that Spunky was a girl. To the average person it may not seem like a very big deal, but to me, a woman that's only had the privilege of seeing ovaries and a uterus via ultrasound, seeing that flutter, that beating, pulsing heart, was one of dreams. To see that little gummi bear moving and waving was fantastic. After Spunky was born I spent more time there than at home, but I was connected to her, and to S. She allowed me a special place through her pregnancy, a privilege I may never experience on my own, and for that I am truly thankful to her.

Move forward 2.5 years. S is ready to have child #2. She and hubby try the first month and she receives a negative pregnancy test. Spunky was conceived on the first shot, so this was her first negative. She was devastated. The first one, or ten, are always hard. Luckily, the next month's timing turned out to be better and we found out that Bubba was on his way. Again, S has included me. The situation is slightly different this time, but seeing, feeling, touching him (and unavoidably her) she's allowed me once again to live it with her. It's simple really. She wouldn't have to do it. But I'll be forever thankful to her for that.

Last night I sat and watched her belly move. I watched as Bubba stretched and pushed. I helped her time a couple of contractions. And even though I saw she was uncomfortable, I couldn't help but feel envious. To wonder, for just a moment, what it must feel like to feel him move, feel him push, and tug, and even though it's not always pleasant for her. And I wonder...will that ever be me?

'Til Later...

Feeling...broken.

So, since we used to live in Colorado and I miss the mountains I start by reading the Denver Post online. My first stop is the horoscopes. Not because I'm that into astrology, etc, but because I think it's fun and interesting when the stars line up and something in my horoscope matches up with my real life.

Today's horoscope told me that I would feel extra amorous towards a "loved one". I'm hoping that's Sparky. And that baby pink and blue would become very interesting colors to me. Wow, seems like a simple statement. A simple sentence. And yet, it completed knocked the wind out of me.

You see, most normal women can tell by the way they feel, the way their body feels, that they are pregnant. For me. Not so much. All the things that point to ovulation, pregnancy, my period, they all get intermingled in my body. Nothing is true. Nothing is right. How do I know? Because I haven't ovulated in over 15 years. And if I have, that's one evasive little egg.

Well, no matter how much I know about infertility, and no matter how much I know about my broken body and the fact that it will never work properly, I still have hope. Hope is supposed to be a positive emotion, a positive feeling, and yet, more often than not, I just want the hope to leave. I don't want to experience that huge fall after I realize that I'm broken, and I'm not pregnant. Again.

Last week a lady from work brought her new born in. After 8 years I'm pretty numb to about anything. I'm at the age where all of my friends are having children. Some have just begun their journey and others are finished. Their families complete. How strange is it that women my age, and I'm only 33, have completed their families? And some of them, were complete years ago. I got up from my desk after listening to the new born cry and hearing my co-workers coo and gush, and walked back to meet the new little one. And about after 3 minutes of standing there watching the new mom beam, I had to walk away, and go to the restroom to cry. This hasn't happened in a very long time.

So, now I sit, just me and my broken body and wonder if and when it'll be my turn. Dear God, please let it happen soon. I don't know how much longer I can last. Seriously.