Grateful...but slacking...

Well, I failed the gratitude posts this year. Perhaps I'll try it again next year. It's been hectic, and I'm feeling stressed, depressed and blue. We have a lot of pressure on us right now, and I would just like people to be happy for us. Some are, some aren't. And it's hard.

I am grateful, and I am sad. Our Woobie cat found a new home this weekend and I'm taking it slightly harder than I thought I would. But enough about that.

Let's hope the days get better. I'm good, or I will be. I just need to bounce back. :)

An exciting week so far!

So, it's been a pretty exciting week so far. I started it off in my hometown with my family. A nice visit was had, and we headed South for the winter. lol. We got home to snow and ice.

Tuesday morning I was late to work due to bad roads and bridge closures. The interstate was fine once I got there.

Okay, the exciting part is that I started a blog for my family and friends to track our trek to Alaska. Are you sick of hearing me talk about it yet? I am. You can see it here at To Alaska...and Beyond!

Also, my cousin and his darling wife added a third son to their family. Kellan Joseph was born yesterday afternoon and joins big brothers Eithan and Kaiden. Mommy and Kellan are doing well.

Now, I need a bed. I'm about to keel over.

In high school I was the classic overachiever. I was in every extra curricular sport and activity available. I smiled, I cajoled, I was a nice girl. Head cheerleader, peer helper, Miss Hometown. At 18, I had the world by the balls. And then I realized that I was a grown up. And my life as I knew it, was over. Much to my surprise, my family had a huge reaction to me taking control of my own life. At the time I felt it was unfair and outrageous, and now I understand that they were concerned and scared. It was after all, an about face. I left my dreams of college behind and decided I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and mother. It was a great goal. However, God had other plans for me. I learned quickly that I never had control. I never would have control.

We've struggled along the way because of my choices. Our choices. I regret a couple of the choices I made, but I don't regret being the woman that I am. I am so much stronger and smarter than I ever thought I could be, would be. For that I am eternally thankful.

Choices are a part of daily life. You choose to wear black, or brown, to have curly hair, or straight hair, sassy stilettos or those practical flats for running errands. These choices are how people first see us. Some become friends and get to know that you much prefer the sassy stilettos to those practical flats. And some see us sporadically, sometimes at our best, sometimes at our worst, and that is how they choose to view our lives.

My relationship with my family is strained. This weekend we are going "home". I am excited, and I am very,very nervous. My brother isn't speaking to me, for reasons that I don't know. This is the part that frustrates me. I feel that if I knew what it was, really was, that we could talk, that we could communicate. But he won't answer phone calls, or emails. That's his choice. Until he decides to make other choices, we don't have a relationship. I miss him and hope that someday we can patch whatever sprung a leak. But for now, it makes things uncomfortable.

Every time I'm home I struggle to find enough time for everyone. For my friends, for my family. for me. This will be the last time I'm able to make time for all of them. Then we move. So, I hope to let my hair down, relax and find a way to communicate and bond. So, tonight I'll pray to find a way to connect, relax, and make everyone happy, but especially myself.

Ready, ready, ready to run!!

So, a friend, ex co-worker, acquaintance (?) came out and fixed my computer tonight. I was having issues running Microsoft Office. Success was accomplished and I am up and running! The cost? Dinner. I made a fabulous lasagna, salad and bread. He was happy, I was happy. And now, I can work. Work, work, play and work. lol.

So, now I'm busy working on my resume. A boring snoozefet one for Word users, and a snazzy publisher one for those who can open a pdf. Lol. Rock out with your cock out. Wait, does that apply? lol. I don't think so, but I'm so ready to get this up and moving. MOVING. Let's roll.

Next on the agenda is researching networking goods and getting my name and occupation out there. I don't know how much more I can handle right now. But I'm trying to get all my ducks in a row so that I will actually have work and income when we arrive in Alaska. Woot!'

Tomorrow we have the unpleasant task of telling our landlords and friends that we'll be moving. The problem is that we're breaking our lease, in the dead of winter. We'll see how that goes. We're going to try to offer to pay rent as long as possible, but I'm not made of endless money, especially without a job, so we'll see how it goes. Yikes.

Anyway, despite this horrid headache, nasty cold and the added stress, I'm great!! lol.

It just keeps getting harder

I know it's silly getting attached to things. They are, after all, just things. However, after you've worked and toiled and worked some more to have something of your own in this world, it's hard to let it ALL go. On top of that my Woobs is going too. We just can't make her travel 3000+ miles. It wouldn't be fair. To her. But it breaks my heart.

Tonight we sold our ATV. We've only owned it for a bit over a year. But it's been a long time coming. Our first toy. And now, it's gone. Ugh. It's hard to sell off your stuff and put it all away. It's harder to sell it to friends, and watch bits and pieces of your life disappear. In your heart you know it's just, stuff. It's all replaceable. But in the end, it truly is a piece of our lives. And as much as it may not make sense, it's hard to part with every single thing you own.

In time we'll move forward and look back at all of this and laugh. I'm sure of it now. But right now it feels raw and real and painful. And even as I type I laugh and think what nonsense this all is.

Now, next task. Finding a place to live...

Sometimes it just needs to come out.

Okay, so. It's craziness here in our life right now. I'm not complaining, I do my best work when things are nuts. But sometimes keeping it all locked up is really, really hard. You see, I'm not a secret keeping person. I don't believe in them. It causes problems. I prefer to be up there and out there. Line. Toed. So, that makes keeping our moving plans close to heart, painful.

Our landlords are our good friends. And we have a lease. So, now I need to ask to break the lease and it's difficult. I have every intention of making it easy for them, and doing right by them. However, I know they'll be hurt, and angry and that bothers me. On top of that, her grandma passed as I talked about here. And so, it's all so much for them to handle. I feel guilty. And sad. And scared. I just don't want it to hurt our friendship. I truly appreciate them, and all that they have done for us. I'm afraid that they'll feel that we're taking advantage of our friendship. It's just bad timing, and what we have to do for our family. I'm not sure they'll "hear" that.

My job. They know Sparky was going to head up for the temp job. They don't know that temp job is no longer on the horizon, and that he's just accepted the permanent job. They know that he'll be going in January, but not me. It's not a great time for me to leave. But I must. And so I'm feeling guilt and stress with that.

It's all sitting on my shoulders. The pressure. The stress. I feel that I should be in a place to feel excited about our move, but I'm not. I'm just feeling that everyone is disappointed. I just want support, and understanding, and I don't get much of that. Okay, done whining now. lol.