I'm It

Melissa at Full Circle tagged me. What I'm supposed to do is tell you 6 unknown things about me, and then tag 6 other bloggers. However, my following is small, and since Melissa sent it to me, and she in turn tagged Amber at Crazy Bloggin' Canuck, my only other loyal bloggie follower. I'm shit out of luck! Check out their blogs for their thrilling dislcosures!

1. When I was between the ages of 8 my most frequent, fervent dream was to marry Bo Duke. Of course, age wasn't a factor then...

2. If life had been different, I would have hoped to have had 4 children. I've always wanted a large family.

3. I want to own one pair of Christian Laboutin's in my lifetime. Just one.

4. I haven't shared my blog with many of my IRL friends. Only one. Maybe it's time to go public!

5. I'm not a very patient person. This of course would have been an issue if I had indeed has those four children.

6. I LOVE HOCKEY!! I love the agility of the players, the constant go, and just the brute force needed to get that little puck in the net!

Phew. I'm an open book, so it's rare to have something about me that's unknown. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. Happy Fall!

Rocky Mountain High

Two of the best years of my life were spent in Colorado. I loved it there. LOVED it. There are many reasons for my love for Fort Collins and Colorado. The mountains alone could cause me to write post after post of gushing sentiments. But Colorado is where Sparky and I became a family. Where he realized his desire to be a father, and where our dreams were inevitably shattered. And when things got hard, we ran. We ran back "home". And we've regretted it ever since.

We tried. We really did try to make "home" our home. But it's not. Minnesota is toxic for us. Not because it isn't beautiful, not because there isn't opportunity, or medical care, um, we do have the Mayo clinic people. Kings and Queens have been treated there. But it's just not right. And how do you explain this to your family, your friends that have made their homes here? You just don't. Because sometimes you just can't explain it all.

Yesterday I heard from my good friend Kristin. Long distance and families, and lives, and schedules have made it difficult to keep in touch as much as we'd like. But I still miss her. Everyday. It's been five years since we drove out of Colorado and I'm afraid to go back. Why? Because I know if I do, I will NEVER come back here. I miss Horsetooth Reservoir and the park we used to hike nearly daily there, I miss our old neighborhood where we'd take our 9 p.m. walk every single night, I miss my job. I had the BEST job there. And I loved it. I miss my independence, my freedom, the healthy, busy lifestyle. I miss golf on Christmas Eve and renting a limo with friends to view the Christmas lights. I miss our friends, the opportunity, the SUN, camping up Poudre canyon, Red Feather Lakes, our drives to tip top of the mountains. I miss the elk, and Estes and...see what I mean? I miss it all!

In my opinion, John Denver was a genius. I miss my Rocky Mountain High...

I'm still here

I haven't forgotten, I'm just feeling really overwhelmed with everything going on right now. My head is spinning. There are passports to be applied for, and rushed, and just mountains and mountains of things to think about. I need to find a place to live...with the dog...and find out how to make money, and....oy. I'll be back another day when I'm not quite so whiny, and I have something intelligent to say. Happy day!

Fall Fun

There's not much time left to enjoy our last fall in Minnesota. At least for awhile. Enjoy the view! This is our favorite time of year...

Hunky Hubby took me on a Sunday ride along the river

Mud rollin' sneaky kitty

My sweet retrieving girl.

Finally some color!

Fattening the Koi and Goldfish up for the winter freeze

Relationships

I apologize in advance. This is going to be a very long post. Very long.

A life is built around relationships. Many layers. Like making a lasagna. The first bond, the most elemental is that of a child and her mother. As we grow our entire lives are formed around the world that our mothers create for us. My childhood was great. Safe and nurturing. Idyllic really. And then I grew up.

My greatest crime in life was becoming my father's daughter. My mom and I have always had a rocky relationship. My dad and I have always been close. And just because my mom and I don't see eye to eye all the time, or let's face it, on much. That doesn't mean we don't love each other. We've had our highs, and a lot of lows, but in the end, I love her. Maybe more because of all our differences.

As we've aged, my relationships with my brothers have changed as well. This is a little more complicated. My younger brother, The Law, and I have always remained close. Part of that is care and interest on both sides, and part of that is just because. I think the two of us are a little more laid back. Or a little more forgiving. Then there's my older brother. The Stubborn One (TSO). TSO and I didn't like each other in high school, after he graduated we became very close. Then he met The Accountant. I was not her biggest fan. And then I got to know her. She became my sister, and they've been married for 15 years. Now, the point. TSO won't speak to me. I really don't have any idea why. None. I'm clueless. Dad tells me that it's because of a conversation he had with Sparky (my hubby) 4 years ago. Yes, I did say 4 years ago. So, I guess I'm just collateral damage in that relationship. I've tried reaching out. Phone calls, emails, emails, emails, but TSO's not interested in talking. So, I'll wait. I miss him though. I really do. I hope someday, soon, we'll be able to mend the damage that's been done.

Now, on to the real reason for my post. Relationships of all kinds. In some relationships you're an equal partner, in others, you give more, or they give more. About 2 years ago I decided that I'm wasn't going to be that friend. "That Friend" being the person who gives endlessly without getting anything in return. I've done that in a lot of relationships. In the end, I'm always the one that ends up with the hurt feelings.

This approach is great in theory. However, I have let some good friendships go because of it. In some ways, I'm bothered by that. I don't know what I want, closure maybe? I'm not sure. I'm always sad when a friendship ends. I'm loyal. Like a damn dog. Seriously. Really. Probably to a fault. But I take my relationships seriously. I believe in maintaining friendships. Nurturing them. Some of the people in my life don't feel the same way. So, at some point I just have to let go. Then I feel bad, like I'm the one that them down.

There's one friendship in particular that bothers me. I don't know why it ended. She was busy, so was I. I think we were both okay with that. I enjoyed her friendship. I enjoyed the time we were able to have with eachother. It was easy. Relaxed. Fun. And then...I don't know what happened.

Because life got in the way, our friendship ended. I feel badly about that. I don't know how to fix it. And sometimes I wish I could just know if she felt the same way. We have a mutual friend/acquaintance that plays a role, I'm certain. She took my friendship, twisted it up, and then stomped on it. She hurt me, the way friends should never hurt friends. She was a reason that I was initially okay with this other friendship going to the wayside. But now I realize that fear was talking. I don't like to be hurt. I don't like when people use my life against me. And I'm sorry that I ever trusted her or let her in. So now, instead of defending a good friendship. I let it go. But then again...so did she.

I value my friends. I have great friends. We all have different lives, different backgrounds, and different ideas of the perfect life. What we share is a love for life, laughter, and occasionally, some heavy drinking. lol. I may not have time to incorporate all my friends in my daily life, but I find ways to let them know they're valued, and so do they. My friends are smart, confident, caring women. Thank you to all my real friends. For finding time for me.

A perfect autumn day

Today was a glorious day in Southern Minnesota. Just beautiful. Since tomorrow we are predicted rain I decided that it would be a great idea to skip cleaning the house and run away to enjoy the day. That is EXACTLY what we did. We started the morning with a walk in the woods. Just me, Ches and Sparky.

After our walk in the woods we checked the status of our deer eaten beets and swiss chard. Thankfully we'll still have beets, they only nibbled the tops off. Once the damage was assessed we meandered back to the house where I prepared breakfast. We showered, let Ches do a little fishing in the back pond, and let the cat out to hunt and roam. Luckily the only thing she "hunted" was the already-deceased bird on the side of the house.

Once we were showered and primped we headed to the outlet mall to buy warm things for our Alaska endeavor. It doesn't seem real to me yet. What's even more frightening is that our Alaska summers will feel more like Minnesota autumns, then true muggy Minnesota summers. And strangely, this excites me.

I love autumn in Minnesota. The weather cools, the humidity falls, and for a brief moment of time I get to experience some good hair moments. lol. Sweatshirts and jeans are my most comfortable wardrobe. Before the leaves vacate the trees completely, and the tree tops look like they're on fire. The shades of yellow, orange and red. The air smells crisp and clean. In the distance you can hear the gaggles of geese calling and they fly in a perfect V formation overhead just skimming the tops of the highest tree.

The above photo is an actual photo of autumn in Minnesota. It's not taken here, but along the North Shore near Duluth. Isn't it glorious?

Cha-cha-changes

It seems that everything in our world is changing right now. So, I say to myself, why not do a major extreme makeover on my ass. Why not? Life's short. Live fully or not at all. Enter change #752. Actually, I don't mind at all. It's really been a long time coming, and it's not something that I'm going to do to totally shock my body. I need to ease into it.

I will also, eventually, have to start my meds. Metformin. 2000mg daily is the goal. I will start with 500 mg working up to the desired amount. So, what's the problem? Well, let's see, it makes me, um, really, um, sick. Let's just leave it there. It will eventually (supposedly) make me feel better but initially it makes me feel like shit. Pure shit. No pun intended. lol.

In my opinion a large, perhaps the largest part of the infertility game is mental. It's hard. It's tiring. No, tiring is NOT the word, exhausting. It is EXHAUSTING. For me, it's the one thing that makes me put all my cards in, or out, at one time. It's just so hard to overcome. That's when the anger, resentment and self-pity come in. However, as a woman who wants a child/ren, I don't feel that I can let this rest until I do my best to become pregnant.

After that if it doesn't happen then I will happily run towards the nearest adoption agency. I really don't know what it is, but I feel I'm destined to adopt. I know, sounds strange, but don't you dare judge it until you've lived it. I feel that at least part of my family will be built through adoption. I'm really excited about that.

So, as I sit here waiting for sleep to grab hold, sipping my raspberry zinger tea with soymilk, I know that someday (hopefully soon) I'll be yearning for these days as I nurse an infant, comfort a toddler, scold a pre-teen...I can't wait.