Possibilities and Disappointments

As the title of the blog suggests, adoption is a roller coaster ride. One minute you're up, the next you're down. Then you're down for a while, and all of sudden you get this amazing facebook message and your entire world changes.

Incidentally, an amazing facebook message is where it started. There were no promises, and in the end, the maybe baby that started it all was not meant to be. Miss Carlee went to Heaven at 22 weeks. She was named by her mother, not by me.

Once we had put that behind us, we moved forward. Only to discover that just because you want something really badly, and can afford it, doesn't mean the process is going to be easy. We are struggling with financing. It's hard. Lending regulations have tightened, and we don't have cash in the ready in the amount we need. So, perseverance is part of the process and we moved forward. I found an agency that does their own financing. Sounds great. But the price tag is about $15,000 MORE than the first agency we chose. Either way. We're confused.

Then Friday came another wonderful facebook message. From a dear friend. Telling us about a 5 yo boy, eligible for adoption. In Minnesota. We're waiting for more information, and praying for guidance. God can give me all the signs he wants, however, my interpretation of them is sometimes off. And when it's not off, I'm freaked out. I'm a girl that likes adventure and yet I'm scared silly!

So, we wait. We pray. And we wait some more...

Perhaps it's not always best to name the post, and then write the post? Perhaps? I don't know. Things are chugging along. Still waiting on a completed homestudy. Brent has his physical next week, I need to check and make sure that the info has come back from my doctor, and then check with our caseworker to find out where we are, and what she still needs from us.

We have fabulous family and friends and they have ALL turned in letters of reference, or phone calls in some cases, and we are so very blessed.

At the moment we are trying to find financing. Not an easy task in the wilds of Alaska without home equity. We have other sources of income, but I'd really like to save those for the purposes they were intended, especially since a child brings the burden of responsibility, care and college. LOL.

In the meantime we are preparing for the future. Maintaining a level of hope and belief and planning a nursery. Who knew that a gender neutral nursery could be such a fear-inducing process. We're excited. We're viewing this as a pregnancy. Our baby may come sooner or later than the average pregnancy, but that's not the point. I know that he/she is out there, just waiting for us, like we're waiting for him/her. For me, that's good enough.

Happy day!

Rolling Up, Up and Up...

Howdy! Greetings from the up side of the adoption rollercoaster. Right now we're in the coast mode. Our home visit was completed, we have a little more paperwork to turn in, and a video to watch and discuss, and then we're good. Well, good to wait.

In the meantime we're writing a profile and a dear birth parent letter. Though with just the two of us we have many pictures of one o the other, but not-so-many pics of the two of us.

Since we're in need of a nice Christmas photo this year, we're hiring my friend Susan to snap our pics. :) EEK!! So excited. The two of us, and the four of us.

Right now spirits are high, we're hopeful and excited. Our caseworker says we may have a completed homestudy as soon as the end of September. So, now it's to get busy with the final steps on our end and pray like crazy.

Happy day!

Adoption Option

Well, we've started. Let me rephrase that, WE'VE STARTED!!! We have half of our homestudy behind us, and the harder, lengthier portion ahead. We met with Lisa at Fairbanks Counseling and Adoption on Friday, July 16th. What a great day! Good appointment, and just really comfortable and relaxed. At this point we aren't planning to sign on with the agency, though they have agreed to show us if they have a birthmother that matches us. So, that's progress.

Lisa will visit our home on Aug 12th for the final portion, and Brent's interview. At this time we need to have some things compiled for the agency so that they can move forward reviewing our backgrounds- criminal, personal, etc- and deciding if we're fit parents. :) So nerve-wrecking and exciting all at once.

Then once the homestudy is complete we need to move forward with the next step which will be deciding which way to go in the adoption. Private, agency, facilitator...etc, etc, etc. For now, I'm just excited. Trying to squelch the planner in me and trying NOT to drive Brent (and everyone else around me) absolutely crazy. Easier said than done, sometimes.

Life is very, very good.

Happy day!

Stigma

I'm a cliche'. Wait, no I'm not. But I feel like a cliche'. I feel like any time I have an emotion other than graciousness and numbness, I'm going to be labeled "that crazy infertile woman". Today is one of those days.

We had a potential birth mother. She's decided to parent. Yes, I knew this might happen. Probably would happen. She has every right. She is the parent. But unfortunately that means I'm not supposed to feel anything but understanding and gratitude that she contacted me. You want the real truth. I'm disappointed. I didn't let myself believe that this was a lock, not by any means. And yes, she's early in her pregnancy, so anything could change. But I'm also not an idiot, and I'm certainly not going to put all my eggs in that basket. Period.

Even worse. Sparky is crushed, and we haven't even reached the hard part yet. I don't know if I can keep us both together. We're excited, and I think, more-than-a-little scared. But we'll make it through. I'll give him his time. And then we'll move forward. With smiles. In the meantime, facebook is littered with new babies and they're grateful mothers. We are going to a "meat and greet" for one of Brent's coworkers, to meet their new son. I can't help it. It's bittersweet.

And I'm mad. Mad that I can't just feel what I feel without having the guilt, shame and anxiety of having someone think I'm not strong enough to handle this. I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. But that doesn't mean I'm stone. It hurts. No matter how much I don't want it to. It stings and "in God's time", while it's true, only goes so far. And frankly, I just want to hold my baby in my arms, rock and kiss and cuddle that baby. But instead I'm being fingerprinted, interviewed and having my background checked. While I understand, I'm intelligent enough for that, it isn't the picture that comes to mind when I think of starting a family.

So I cry alone, for what could have been. And I smile for the rest of the world, because it's what makes them comfortable. I know life isn't fair, and I'm fine with that, I'm just looking for my miracle.

Another day older...

Wait, make that another year older. That's right. This year I turned 35. And while I thought it would hit me hard, it didn't. I have no idea why. Maybe because I'm happy where I am, hopeful about the future, and I have never been one to conform to society's ideas about motherhood. So, would I have chosen to start my family after 35? Nope. Not really. But I have much to be thankful for.

There have been moments in my life when I haven't been as positive. There are times when I've been very depressed about my infertility. While I would have loved to have the opportunity to choose the timing and number of children in our family, I have learned a lot from my infertility.

I'm sure you all watch the news. And today one of the headlines is about a Food Network chef that hired a homeless (or allegedly hired a homeless man or two) to kill his wife. Now it's coming out that SHE wanted to die because she couldn't have children. Oh puhlease.

Yes, infertility is a gut punch. Yes, it's a kick in the head, when you're down and think you just might be able to get back up. It's hard on a marriage, it's hard on your psyche, and sometimes I just don't want to get out of bed. I, however, have NEVER wanted to die because of it. So, I don't understand this excuse. This cop out.

And frankly, it pisses me off. This one person that "wants to die because she can't be a mother" makes us all look weak, and crazy. It's not that I don't get that stereotype enough as it is. Now there's this, to count against every infertile woman that's fought hard to overcome this damaging misconception. Have I cried when friends/family have gotten pregnant? Yes. Have I thrown a tantrum or two? Perhaps. But it's about me. Not them. It's not that I'm not so happy for them. It's that I'm sad for me. Sad for what I can't have. Why is that so bad? People cry over things all the time? They cry over lost goals/dreams/wishes. But because I'm a woman and I'm infertile, I'm crazy. Bite me.

I can imagine that I'm fortunate. While Sparky and I have struggled and waivered, in many ways infertility has made us stronger. We've had to fight against opinions for many years. Opinions about our relationship, opinions about how/when/if we start a family. We've had to defend ourselves in ways that the average couple doesn't have to. No, we haven't had a perfect life. We aren't perfect people. But we have both worked hard to stay together and become stronger.

So, here I am. 35 and looking forward to starting my family. If you don't like it, that's fine. I don't need you to be okay with our choices. Because it's our family. Mine, and Sparky's. I know that the choices we make aren't the choices that a lot of people would make. And their choices wouldn't work for me.

I'm looking forward to my 35th year. I have a feeling it's going to be great!

Spring in my Step

Well, thank goodness spring, or break up, has begun. We're muddy and wet, but we could use more moisture. That being said, the weather has been lovely, and I'm feeling pretty good.

My iron levels are up, though I have yet to have them retested. I know, tsk tsk, but I'm holding out. On purpose. I'm not quite sure if I want to go back to the same doctor, or try out someone new. We'll see. I'm pondering. And since we're not rushing into TTC, that's my prerogative. That being said, there are some things that I really like about my doctor. So, it's hard. Finding a good doc, with PCOS knowledge, in rural Alaska. Well friends, that's a challenge.

So, for now, I'm trying to eat well. Drink TONS of water. And keep myself healthy. Right after the whole Easter debacle I was stricken with a cold. Not bad considering it was my first of the season, and it's passed quite quickly really.

I'm still having issues with the bcp's. And I do have an appointment scheduled with my doc in early May. Before we leave for Portland. So, let's hope that things just keep plugging along in the right direction.

Cheerio!