15 Days

I've started this post a few times.  There are so many things to say, and I have no words to say them.  I'm speechless.

Our life is about to change.  I've had this said to me a number of times in the past few weeks.  I would like to say, I know.  I know that it will change in ways I cannot yet fathom.  I know it already has.  I know that this is the change we've been waiting for for way too many years.  We are ready.  We are more than ready.  We have been waiting.  For too long.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I know that friends and family members are well-intentioned.  But sometimes it feels like their words of wisdom are a bit loaded, perhaps even threats.  We are older parents, perhaps not by choice, but it was a concerted effort.  The road to get here has not been easy, and my life has not been full of long vacations, late nights of partying, and bon bons on the couch.

We are not afraid, naive or saddened by the changes he'll bring to our lives.  He is wanted.  We have prayed, cried, begged and prayed some more for him.  I loved him from the moment I knew he was a possibility.  Perhaps even before.

We have been doubly blessed with his birthmother.  A kind, strong, loving mother.  She knows what she wants for her child, and she's determined to make it happen.  She knows that for now, she is not enough, and that he deserves the thing that she can't give him.  A father.  A family.  

My heart breaks for her, but she is amazing.  I know that I would not be strong enough to choose life, choose adoption, I would be too selfish.  She is honest, caring and funny.  She's courageous.  I hope that in the years to come BB will know all these things about his first mother.  I hope he knows she chose this path for him, for her, for all of us.

I hope he won't feel unloved and abandoned.  I hope she stays a part of our lives.  I hope she knows that I love her.  I want her to know she's his family, she's our family.  Without her we wouldn't be a family.

We are 15 days away.  We are ready.  We are excited.  We are nervous.  We are grateful.

Meeting our birthmom

After the phone calls, tears and can-you-believe-it's we arranged for a time and day to meet C, our birthmother.  We had a long, quiet drive to Fairbanks.  I napped to avoid a complete meltdown, Brent listened to talk radio.  In an effort to exert control I led him on a wild goose chase and made us 15 minutes late.


Brent was mildly annoyed with me when we walked in, checked in and waited, and waited, for what seemed like an eternity.  It was literally probably 30 seconds.  L came up, greeted us with hugs and congratulations and all the turmoil of getting there disappeared.


She led us down the steps to the room where our process (finger printing) began just months before.  The door opened, I saw a messy dark pony tail, and a teeny little girl.  After we were introduced all I could focus on was that belly.  That's all there was to her, dark hair, sweet face and lotsa baby belly.  I have no words for that moment.  My love for her grew in that moment and our fate was sealed.  She would be the woman to answer my every wish and most fervent prayer.  I thought I'd feel guilt, maybe some jealousy, or perhaps even a little resentment.  Nothing.  Nothing but love and gratefulness.


The first thing she said was that she could promise a cute and fat baby.  Instantly all my apprehension and distrust floated away. We sat and talked for hours, learning about each other's pasts, and what we all wanted for the future.  We talked about her two young sons, and her desire for them to know this boy, our son.  She's an intelligent, goal-oriented, loving mother.  There were no tears on her part that day, just steely resolve, and a determination to do what was best for her baby, our baby.  She explained a bit of her past, with some apprehension.  I told her the truth.  Life takes us on a journey, we have no control, and we, of all people, understand that life happens.  I assured her that she would find no judgement with us.  From there, we flowed.


As we sat and talked, and talked some more.  C interrupted while I was talking to say that Baby Boy must like my voice because he went crazy whenever I was talking.  It was a simple statement, that quite literally took my breath away.


Sometime over the coming hours at lunch we discovered that she and I both hate socks, and a million other little tiny things that we have in common.  She explained how she chose us, and her mom chose us, how her dad raised pigs growing up, and how I grew up on a pig farm.  She talked about her plan for her future, and in a completely honest moment, I was so proud of her.  For not letting a detour stop her from becoming who she longs to be.  


She shared pictures of her boys.  Beautiful, beautiful boys. My heart was gone, sailing...


In the days and weeks past we've shared texts, phone calls from L, and we'll be meeting with C and her little guy (and ours) later this week.  I'm just hoping for a nice, relaxing visit for us all.

April 5, 2012

I have always imagined what it would be to hear the news that I would become a mother.  It happened nothing like I imagined, but it was absolutely perfect. 

April 5, 2012 started out as a completely normal day.  In fact, my work day ended as a completely normal day.  It was Day #2 of waiting to hear if we would be parents, or if we would (certainly, in my head) be turned down again.

I had just left base and was tooling along the Richardson Hwy when I received a blocked call on my phone.  This meant one of two things.  A telemarketer (jerks!) or the adoption agency.  I grabbed that phone and hit answer faster than I can down a twinkie. 

I was right.  It was L, from the agency. I was preparing myself for another no, as she was giving me grief for answering my cell phone while I was driving.  I was telling myself that it was no, and it was ok.  That our time would be soon, when I heard the words "C has chosen you and Brent to parent her child.   She'd like to meet you." I immediately started sobbing, set down the phone and pulled over.   I just sat there and listened to details, not believing those words, not hearing the majority of what was being said.  I heard boy, due June 8, and I was in love.  And so stinkin' excited I thought I might explode.

She ended the phone call, and I got out of my truck.  I'm sure to the passers by, the lady jumping up and down, obviously emotional, was probably a pretty disturbing sight.  I could care less.  On the way home I tried to imagine how I would tell Brent.  I would glance at my speedometer and see that it was far above what the Alaska State Troopers would find excusable.  I eventually just set my cruise and tried to enjoy the longest, most agonizing trip home.  Ever.

I finally got home and found that Brent and the dogs were outside.  Cash and Ches greeted me as they do everyday, and Brent's nose was buried in the hood of the snowmobile.  I tried to give sufficient love to the furkids, but I was bursting.  I asked Brent to turn around and look at me.  I told him I had something really important to say and he had to look at me.  I could tell he was annoyed.  I left my sunglasses on so he wouldn't see my red, puffy eyes.  Though how he could miss the tears on my cheeks, I have no idea.

I said to him, "well, I hope you can take some time off work in June.  I can't really bring your son home from the hospital by myself.  She chose us!!!"  To which the most manly face turned exuberant with yes's and a whole lot of jumping and fist pumping.  Then we hugged, shared our moments, and I'm pretty sure he asked me at least 25 times if I was lying to him.  And the phone calls began.

I find myself weepy, excited and scared all within a 30 second window.  I'm pretty sure he feels the same.  Then the reality hits that she could change her mind, we push that down, and we just enjoy the pure joy we feel.  How blessed we are!

MIA

My penchant for blogging left me a while back.  I was drowning in stacks of paperwork, profiles to write, background checks to complete and an assortment of all kinds of fun things.  And now, I have too much time on my hands, and still with nothing really happening, it feels like I don't have much interesting to say.  This is what's up.


We have a completed homestudy.  We have a completed profile.  And we're waiting.  Waiting for a mother somewhere in Alaska to decide that she's not ready to be a parent, and to pick us to parent her child.  The latter is the trickier portion of the equation.  That being said, I'm practing my patience skills every day.  Some days are easier than others, and those that haven't been through it don't understand.  It's okay.  I smile.  And wait....and wait...and...you get the picture.


April 2012 will mark the beginning of our 12th year waiting to become parents.  In some ways it seems like a lifetime ago we began this journey.  In other ways it seems like yesterday.   I have learned a lot, changed a lot, and become a woman in the process. 


While I wish that our journey hadn't been quite so long and drawn out, I can say that I view parenthood and parenting much differently than I did a dozen years ago.  I personally feel that I will be a better mother, more prepared for how an 8lb wonder will change our world.  And more prepared to handle life that revolves around a vomiting, pooping, jumble of perfect imperfections.  


I cannot wait to meet my child.  I cannot wait to meet the woman who gives me the most precious gift.  And I cannot wait to make my parents grandparents.  I wish I weren't going to be the first. I wish my brothers would bless our family with some beautiful, bouncing babies!  Come on boys!!!  But I know that their decisions are theirs.  And while I cannot always understand I have learned to respect those choices.  


My younger brother isn't off the hook, yet.  Giddy up, Andy Taylor!  


I don't wish infertility on anyone.  But I wish it were easier to explain to those outside the fire how absolutely life-changing it is.  How much pressure, stress and fatigue it adds to your life.  How it threatens to tear apart every dream and ideal you ever had, almost succeeds, and then the relief and joy in managing to find the love and happiness in your life once again.  


How it changes the way you look at every relationship, feel about women who can conceive with seemingly little effort.  How it makes you feel crazy, and feel like an outsider amongst your friends and family.  How you don't want to feel angry, hurt, like dying, when one more person receives the gift of a child.

I wish that people could know how happy we were at the news of their coming babies, how much we love the children in our lives.  Our nephews, our niece and our friends children.  


I wish I could find a way in words to convey how anticipated and loved our future children are.  How much we want them and how proud we are to be (potential) adoptive parents.  How the decision to adopt was easy for me, and how once my better half decided he was ready to adopt attacked it with gusto.  I wish those who haven't been through it wouldn't judge.  


You don't know our hearts, you don't know what happens in our life, and if you cared enough to ask, we'd be happy to share.  Just trust that we have thought through every decision, gotten lots of advice, done a ton of research, and we're going to rock this parenthood thing. :)


Happy Spring!

Chug, Chug, Chug

Things are moving along. Albeit slowly at the moment. We've chosen an agency. We're waiting on the next and hopefully final draft of our homestudy. The worst thing about this process is all the hurry up and wait. It seems like I'm always rushing and no one else is.

We've chosen an agency and are about to sign paperwork any day. It's a great facilitator that has given us wonderful service and attention. We're happy with their Christian background and base and have nothing but wonderful things to report. They're so excited for us.

At home we're clearing out the guest room. Donating, selling and storing. Configuring furniture and multi-purposing rooms is the most difficult part, but we're becoming wonderfully organized in the process. Ha!

I'd love to jump in with both feet forward but many people in our lives don't understand adoption. They keep asking me if I'm sure. I'm assuming they mean sure that we'll get chosen, sure that we'll be parents, and I can assure you, we're sure.

The hardest part is preparing for this gig. Cautiously optimistic and it's all a little bittersweet. I just hope the wait passes quickly. We've chosen the brand of bottles, picked out the nursery bedding. I'm planning to paint the walls a shade that will match both sets, boy or girl. And we'll get a dresser. Simple things for now.

I managed to buy a Bumbo seat for $1. Huge score. They retail in the store for over $30 and since it's blue I figure we can use it for boy or girl.

That's all that's new on the adoption front. I'll keep you posted. :)

Adoption Train

It's been a long time since I updated this blog. Partly because our homestudy/adoption plans stalled, and partly because I was thinking about merging this blog with my other blog. I've decided to keep them separately for numerous reasons.

We're back on track and I hope to have all our revisions done on our homestudy by the end of the next week, or so. We were doing well, until I managed to drop my computer and demolish the hard drive. Anyway, that behind us I need to find and load Microsoft Office and we're on our way.

I think we've also decided not to use the agency that did our homestudy. There are a couple different reasons but the biggest right now is their lack of understanding and support in choosing to not adopt from a specific race. It has nothing to do with the appearance of the children, and everything to do with the restrictions and expectations placed upon us. At this point, with the limited knowledge we have, we just don't feel that it is the best choice for our family. Apparently they're having a hard time with that. So, we're moving forward. Hmmm...

Other than that, life is good. We're excited about the future and taking on more and more. We're settled in, for now, to our little cabin in the woods, and have no immediate plans to leave. I guess you can say, we're content.

I've applied for school. College to be exact. Finally. It was something I was going to do when "the kids were in school". Pffft. It might be a while and I'm not getting any younger. For right now we've made no other big decisions. But that could change.

Happy reading! Happy to be back!

Possibilities and Disappointments

As the title of the blog suggests, adoption is a roller coaster ride. One minute you're up, the next you're down. Then you're down for a while, and all of sudden you get this amazing facebook message and your entire world changes.

Incidentally, an amazing facebook message is where it started. There were no promises, and in the end, the maybe baby that started it all was not meant to be. Miss Carlee went to Heaven at 22 weeks. She was named by her mother, not by me.

Once we had put that behind us, we moved forward. Only to discover that just because you want something really badly, and can afford it, doesn't mean the process is going to be easy. We are struggling with financing. It's hard. Lending regulations have tightened, and we don't have cash in the ready in the amount we need. So, perseverance is part of the process and we moved forward. I found an agency that does their own financing. Sounds great. But the price tag is about $15,000 MORE than the first agency we chose. Either way. We're confused.

Then Friday came another wonderful facebook message. From a dear friend. Telling us about a 5 yo boy, eligible for adoption. In Minnesota. We're waiting for more information, and praying for guidance. God can give me all the signs he wants, however, my interpretation of them is sometimes off. And when it's not off, I'm freaked out. I'm a girl that likes adventure and yet I'm scared silly!

So, we wait. We pray. And we wait some more...

Perhaps it's not always best to name the post, and then write the post? Perhaps? I don't know. Things are chugging along. Still waiting on a completed homestudy. Brent has his physical next week, I need to check and make sure that the info has come back from my doctor, and then check with our caseworker to find out where we are, and what she still needs from us.

We have fabulous family and friends and they have ALL turned in letters of reference, or phone calls in some cases, and we are so very blessed.

At the moment we are trying to find financing. Not an easy task in the wilds of Alaska without home equity. We have other sources of income, but I'd really like to save those for the purposes they were intended, especially since a child brings the burden of responsibility, care and college. LOL.

In the meantime we are preparing for the future. Maintaining a level of hope and belief and planning a nursery. Who knew that a gender neutral nursery could be such a fear-inducing process. We're excited. We're viewing this as a pregnancy. Our baby may come sooner or later than the average pregnancy, but that's not the point. I know that he/she is out there, just waiting for us, like we're waiting for him/her. For me, that's good enough.

Happy day!

Rolling Up, Up and Up...

Howdy! Greetings from the up side of the adoption rollercoaster. Right now we're in the coast mode. Our home visit was completed, we have a little more paperwork to turn in, and a video to watch and discuss, and then we're good. Well, good to wait.

In the meantime we're writing a profile and a dear birth parent letter. Though with just the two of us we have many pictures of one o the other, but not-so-many pics of the two of us.

Since we're in need of a nice Christmas photo this year, we're hiring my friend Susan to snap our pics. :) EEK!! So excited. The two of us, and the four of us.

Right now spirits are high, we're hopeful and excited. Our caseworker says we may have a completed homestudy as soon as the end of September. So, now it's to get busy with the final steps on our end and pray like crazy.

Happy day!

Adoption Option

Well, we've started. Let me rephrase that, WE'VE STARTED!!! We have half of our homestudy behind us, and the harder, lengthier portion ahead. We met with Lisa at Fairbanks Counseling and Adoption on Friday, July 16th. What a great day! Good appointment, and just really comfortable and relaxed. At this point we aren't planning to sign on with the agency, though they have agreed to show us if they have a birthmother that matches us. So, that's progress.

Lisa will visit our home on Aug 12th for the final portion, and Brent's interview. At this time we need to have some things compiled for the agency so that they can move forward reviewing our backgrounds- criminal, personal, etc- and deciding if we're fit parents. :) So nerve-wrecking and exciting all at once.

Then once the homestudy is complete we need to move forward with the next step which will be deciding which way to go in the adoption. Private, agency, facilitator...etc, etc, etc. For now, I'm just excited. Trying to squelch the planner in me and trying NOT to drive Brent (and everyone else around me) absolutely crazy. Easier said than done, sometimes.

Life is very, very good.

Happy day!

Stigma

I'm a cliche'. Wait, no I'm not. But I feel like a cliche'. I feel like any time I have an emotion other than graciousness and numbness, I'm going to be labeled "that crazy infertile woman". Today is one of those days.

We had a potential birth mother. She's decided to parent. Yes, I knew this might happen. Probably would happen. She has every right. She is the parent. But unfortunately that means I'm not supposed to feel anything but understanding and gratitude that she contacted me. You want the real truth. I'm disappointed. I didn't let myself believe that this was a lock, not by any means. And yes, she's early in her pregnancy, so anything could change. But I'm also not an idiot, and I'm certainly not going to put all my eggs in that basket. Period.

Even worse. Sparky is crushed, and we haven't even reached the hard part yet. I don't know if I can keep us both together. We're excited, and I think, more-than-a-little scared. But we'll make it through. I'll give him his time. And then we'll move forward. With smiles. In the meantime, facebook is littered with new babies and they're grateful mothers. We are going to a "meat and greet" for one of Brent's coworkers, to meet their new son. I can't help it. It's bittersweet.

And I'm mad. Mad that I can't just feel what I feel without having the guilt, shame and anxiety of having someone think I'm not strong enough to handle this. I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. But that doesn't mean I'm stone. It hurts. No matter how much I don't want it to. It stings and "in God's time", while it's true, only goes so far. And frankly, I just want to hold my baby in my arms, rock and kiss and cuddle that baby. But instead I'm being fingerprinted, interviewed and having my background checked. While I understand, I'm intelligent enough for that, it isn't the picture that comes to mind when I think of starting a family.

So I cry alone, for what could have been. And I smile for the rest of the world, because it's what makes them comfortable. I know life isn't fair, and I'm fine with that, I'm just looking for my miracle.

Another day older...

Wait, make that another year older. That's right. This year I turned 35. And while I thought it would hit me hard, it didn't. I have no idea why. Maybe because I'm happy where I am, hopeful about the future, and I have never been one to conform to society's ideas about motherhood. So, would I have chosen to start my family after 35? Nope. Not really. But I have much to be thankful for.

There have been moments in my life when I haven't been as positive. There are times when I've been very depressed about my infertility. While I would have loved to have the opportunity to choose the timing and number of children in our family, I have learned a lot from my infertility.

I'm sure you all watch the news. And today one of the headlines is about a Food Network chef that hired a homeless (or allegedly hired a homeless man or two) to kill his wife. Now it's coming out that SHE wanted to die because she couldn't have children. Oh puhlease.

Yes, infertility is a gut punch. Yes, it's a kick in the head, when you're down and think you just might be able to get back up. It's hard on a marriage, it's hard on your psyche, and sometimes I just don't want to get out of bed. I, however, have NEVER wanted to die because of it. So, I don't understand this excuse. This cop out.

And frankly, it pisses me off. This one person that "wants to die because she can't be a mother" makes us all look weak, and crazy. It's not that I don't get that stereotype enough as it is. Now there's this, to count against every infertile woman that's fought hard to overcome this damaging misconception. Have I cried when friends/family have gotten pregnant? Yes. Have I thrown a tantrum or two? Perhaps. But it's about me. Not them. It's not that I'm not so happy for them. It's that I'm sad for me. Sad for what I can't have. Why is that so bad? People cry over things all the time? They cry over lost goals/dreams/wishes. But because I'm a woman and I'm infertile, I'm crazy. Bite me.

I can imagine that I'm fortunate. While Sparky and I have struggled and waivered, in many ways infertility has made us stronger. We've had to fight against opinions for many years. Opinions about our relationship, opinions about how/when/if we start a family. We've had to defend ourselves in ways that the average couple doesn't have to. No, we haven't had a perfect life. We aren't perfect people. But we have both worked hard to stay together and become stronger.

So, here I am. 35 and looking forward to starting my family. If you don't like it, that's fine. I don't need you to be okay with our choices. Because it's our family. Mine, and Sparky's. I know that the choices we make aren't the choices that a lot of people would make. And their choices wouldn't work for me.

I'm looking forward to my 35th year. I have a feeling it's going to be great!

Spring in my Step

Well, thank goodness spring, or break up, has begun. We're muddy and wet, but we could use more moisture. That being said, the weather has been lovely, and I'm feeling pretty good.

My iron levels are up, though I have yet to have them retested. I know, tsk tsk, but I'm holding out. On purpose. I'm not quite sure if I want to go back to the same doctor, or try out someone new. We'll see. I'm pondering. And since we're not rushing into TTC, that's my prerogative. That being said, there are some things that I really like about my doctor. So, it's hard. Finding a good doc, with PCOS knowledge, in rural Alaska. Well friends, that's a challenge.

So, for now, I'm trying to eat well. Drink TONS of water. And keep myself healthy. Right after the whole Easter debacle I was stricken with a cold. Not bad considering it was my first of the season, and it's passed quite quickly really.

I'm still having issues with the bcp's. And I do have an appointment scheduled with my doc in early May. Before we leave for Portland. So, let's hope that things just keep plugging along in the right direction.

Cheerio!

Finally Feeling Better

After a horrendous Easter weekend, I finally started feeling myself Friday of last week. It started the previous Friday, "Good Friday", ironically. I was feeling terrible, and not really sure what to blame it on. Now I know. Iron. Iron, is NOT my friend.

I spent the following 5 days in bed. Walking the yard, drinking gallons of water, and ultimately about 2 gallons of apple juice. The iron really messes with me. It's not good. And I will not be taking iron in pill form in the future.

The positive is that I'm finally feeling human. I can tell my levels are up. I have lost 17 pounds. And I hope to keep it off. And right now, the only meds I'm taking is the birth control. I will start up with the metformin again soon. But for right now, I just want my body back to some sort of normal. We're getting there.

What am I doing?

I have pointed out what I'm not doing. So I thought it important to point out what I am doing. I am making smarter food and drink choices. That includes a LOT more water, a lot more walking, and a lot less starches. No, I have not completely cut out starches. I don't know that I ever will, but I eat FAR less of them, and at different times in the day. Usually morning. It really does help.

I'm also making choices for my future. And while this doesn't directly affect my physical health, it affects my mental health, and I'm a lot happier looking forward to the future. My future. Our future.

So, I continue to move forward. Continue to try to make good decisions. And when I'm healthy, I'll be happy. For now, we're plugging along. :)

Happy Day!

Pity Party

If you really don't want to hear me bitch and complain, I suggest you come back another day. I'm having a pity party, and while I tried to fight it off, it didn't work. I'm embracing it, going with it, and hopefully, just hopefully if I blog it out of my head, I'll be able to move on. That is my most sincere hope.

I try hard not to let all this get me down. I KNOW that things could be worse. I could have some horrid, painful disease, and that would be worse. But darn it. I'm tired of being sick, and so sick of being tired. I know it's cliche', but it's truly how I feel.

Most days I can accept that this is my life. It has been for many, many years now. But today, I don't want it to be anymore. I want to feel good, without the war of medication inside my body, I want to plan to have a baby, and have it happen. Just once. I don't want to be obese, and I'm tired of people looking at me and judging me by my weight.

The meds are working, I guess. The iron binds me up, and the met has the opposite effect. So I'm never really sure where I stand. Some times I'm fine, depending on what I eat, and I try to watch my carb/starch/sugar intake, so I don't get light-headed or headaches, or worse, the diarrhea. It's a no-win situation.

In other happy news the birth control pills are semi-working. I'm having break-through bleeding, so even though I don't have my "period" I'm still wearing a pad. Everyday. Ugh. In addition to the spotting/bleeding, I get moderate-severe cramps every afternoon about 2 p.m. into the evening. It's just a real joy.

I also confess that I have yet to start the phenteramine. Frankly, I'm afraid to. I know what to expect of the other medications, but how do I know with this one. Will it make me feel better? worse? Nothing at all? I have no idea. But today is the day. I need to set aside my fear, anxiety, maybe stubborn resistance? And just do it. As that infamous commercial says.

My hope is to one day, and hopefully in the near future, feel well enough, strong enough to do it without medications. To find a lifestyle, a new type of living, that helps me and my body have a normal life without side effects.

Hoping your day is happy...

Home Again

Well, it's been quite a week and a half. I ended the week before last by stopping the met, and stopping the iron supplements. We flew out to Dallas on Saturday morning, and my Friday evening was less than pleasant.

We spent the week in Dallas where I bounced between miserable, and fine. Just fine. But I had a doctors appointment yesterday where my worst fears were realized. Okay, not worst fears, but close. My iron levels did not come up at all. Not one little bit.

The good news is that I didn't gain weight while on vacation.

Anyway, since my levels are miserably low, and I'm fairly miserable anyway. I'm back on met, back on an iron supplement, and back to being slightly more miserable. But at least I'm home. In my own bed, the creature comforts of home. My furbabies, my hubby, my quilt lovingly hand sewn by my grandma.

Til later,
K

Bump in the road

And holy moses was it a big one! The metformin kicked in. I guess that's what you call it. I have a love/hate relationship with met. It helps me, it benefits my body, and it sucks. I thought I was taking a small enough dosage this time that it wouldn't. WRONGO. It took until Day 3, but disaster struck at 3:45 p.m.

I managed to survive. And I managed to cook dinner while I survived. So I guess all's well that ends well. Right?

Tonight I started the iron supplement which will hopefully counteract the side affects of the met, if it doesn't help though I will have to quit the met until we return from Dallas. There is no way I'm going to be stuck on a plane with this crap. lol. Literally. So for now I'm cautiously optimistic, and taking iron.

Anemic

This diagnosis did not surprise me. You cannot have a constant period for 10 months, and not be. Can you? But when I got the call from my doctor's office today I was shocked at how low my levels were. I'm barely there. Just above hospitalization. Yep, that bad.

Since we live in REMOTE Alaska, we have no local pharmacy. Well, we do, but it's hard to get a prescription there. So I must wait until we're in Fairbanks on Friday to pick up the new Rx. No worries, I stocked up on an OTC iron supplement, and a "gentle" laxative as well.

I promised Linda, my new favorite person, that I would beef up my diet, literally and add in some good leafy greens. Spinach, kale, hmmm...looks like we'll be having a very red and green week. :)

All in all, I already feel better. The met is going well. The bcp's are working, and I think I'm done bleeding. Finally. And well, life is looking up.

Have a happy day!

Appointment Update

I had the most surprising visit yesterday. I don't know why it was so surprising, I guess because I had given up and I just figured my doctor would let me. Not the case. And before you say that he bullied me, I LOVE him. He gave me hope. Something of which I have not had in a long, long time.

The clinic is nice, but small. I kind of like the small, intimate feeling, but it makes it harder to ignore the pregnant women and babies everywhere. Although, I will say when I was waiting I was in the mindset that this would never be me, so perhaps it won't be so bad next time.

When I went in he first addressed the issue at hand. My obscene, obnoxious periods. He told me that while he understood that I was frustrated, and tired, that it wasn't a reason to have a hysterectomy (without children), yet. He assured me that he could fix me. I listened.

The first prescription was for birth control pills. He seems convinced that on the short-term they will do exactly what he is hoping in getting the incessant bleeding to stop. He prescribed 2 pills twice a day until it stops. Then 1 pill twice a day for 3 days. Then continue as usual until the pack is gone.

In addition he prescribed me Metformin for the insulin resistance and PCOS. This is a build and see medication. For right now I'm starting out on 250mg 2x daily and building to 3g. Yep, huge amount, but I'm ready and willing. Oh, and did I mention that this medication makes me extremely ill?

So, because I'm on strong doses of the first two meds, I am also prescribed Zofran. For nausea. Enough said.

The final medication he gave me is phenteramine. This is obviously a little aid for weight loss. We'll see how it works. I haven't even heard of it since 1995 and the whole Phen/Fen fiasco. But my doctor insists that it's safe and we'll monitor it closely.

So, that's my assignment, my goal. Take the meds, try to lose some weight, and next month, when I go back he's prescribing Clomid. Can you believe it? I can't. I'm in shock. I had really given up on this portion of the parenthood track. Both Brent and I are ecstatic. It's a little shot of hope and renewed energy.

Happy Day!

Sleepless

It's 3:30 a.m. on the morning of my appointment. At this point in time I've had a whopping 1 hour of sleep. Just for the record, it's not enough. What's the issue? I'm not quite sure. A lot on my mind I guess. Pair that with itchy skin and a much-too-warm house, I have insomnia. And let's face it, I'm not all that happy about it. Seriously.

I sit here snuggled up with my puppy, yes, I know, that makes me a very bad fur mom. Thinking about the day ahead. I would really like some sleep. But it eludes me. Even as I type my eye lids grow heavy, but as soon as the light goes off, my eyes fly open. Life, is definitely not fair.

I'll stay up for a while now. At least until the hubby gets up for work. In fact, I'll get up and pack his lunch so that I can hit the bed, all by myself when he gets up for work. I'm hoping to catch at least a couple more hours of sleep. That should help.

I'll be back later. To let you know what the doc says.