Feeling...broken.

So, since we used to live in Colorado and I miss the mountains I start by reading the Denver Post online. My first stop is the horoscopes. Not because I'm that into astrology, etc, but because I think it's fun and interesting when the stars line up and something in my horoscope matches up with my real life.

Today's horoscope told me that I would feel extra amorous towards a "loved one". I'm hoping that's Sparky. And that baby pink and blue would become very interesting colors to me. Wow, seems like a simple statement. A simple sentence. And yet, it completed knocked the wind out of me.

You see, most normal women can tell by the way they feel, the way their body feels, that they are pregnant. For me. Not so much. All the things that point to ovulation, pregnancy, my period, they all get intermingled in my body. Nothing is true. Nothing is right. How do I know? Because I haven't ovulated in over 15 years. And if I have, that's one evasive little egg.

Well, no matter how much I know about infertility, and no matter how much I know about my broken body and the fact that it will never work properly, I still have hope. Hope is supposed to be a positive emotion, a positive feeling, and yet, more often than not, I just want the hope to leave. I don't want to experience that huge fall after I realize that I'm broken, and I'm not pregnant. Again.

Last week a lady from work brought her new born in. After 8 years I'm pretty numb to about anything. I'm at the age where all of my friends are having children. Some have just begun their journey and others are finished. Their families complete. How strange is it that women my age, and I'm only 33, have completed their families? And some of them, were complete years ago. I got up from my desk after listening to the new born cry and hearing my co-workers coo and gush, and walked back to meet the new little one. And about after 3 minutes of standing there watching the new mom beam, I had to walk away, and go to the restroom to cry. This hasn't happened in a very long time.

So, now I sit, just me and my broken body and wonder if and when it'll be my turn. Dear God, please let it happen soon. I don't know how much longer I can last. Seriously.

Seeds of Change

Things are chaniging. Everywhere. Some of those changes are freeing, exhillerating, and scary. Others are sad and tragic. But change happens whether we want it to, or not.

This past weekend we traveled to South Dakota to visit Grandma. Grandma is actually Sparky's Grandma, but I love her too, so I get to claim her. It's my right for staying married to him this long. lol. Grandma just lost Grandpa. She's sad, oh so, so sad, and she's grieving. I'm hoping that just being with her made her realize that she truly isn't alone. That even though we can't be with her all the time we keep her close in our hearts, and we love her, and miss her. I know it's not enough to fill the void that Grandpa left. They've loved eachother for a lifetime. After 69 years and 50 weeks of marriage, Grandpa said good bye. We're sad. But Grandma feels the loss in a much, much deeper way. We love you Grandma. Sometimes change breaks your heart.

Sparky's aunt J has cancer. Cancer is a beast. I hate cancer. It takes life and breath from loved ones much, much too often. J's has returned, or perhaps it never left, and we can only pray. Pray that God will be kind in her fight. Whatever He decides. Change. Sometimes it just sucks.

Grandma got a new neighbor at her assisted living facility. The new neighbor is a nun. Which means, gasp, that she's Catholic. Now, to you and I this may not seem a major defining factor of her life, or her character, but to Grandma it's foreign and it's frightening. So, now Grandma's biggest fear is the "the nun" will try to convert her. Sometimes change can make you laugh.

Sparky is looking for a new job. I think I've mentioned that before. lol. Well, he has an offer on the table. North. Far North of where we are. WAAAAAY. North. We're talking Alaska people. Sparky has yet to accept the position as he's waiting to hear on another job to the West. Wyoming. This is THE job he's been waiting for. However, he doesn't know if he'll be offered the position, and let's face it, you just can't put all your eggs in one basket. So, we wait. And make a Plan B. Change. Sometimes it's exhillerating.

My younger brother, okay, my baby brother turns 30 next month. Uff da. I'm old. So his girlfriend is throwing him a party. I'm hoping we'll be able to attend. But only time will tell, and since it's quite a distance that seperates us, we'll truly just have to wait and see. Change. Sometimes it's inevitable.

Change. It can be a lot of things. So tell me, what's changing in your world?

Up and Down Again?

So, Sparky is looking for a new job. He's been looking for a long time. Okay, so I'm sure someone out there has been looking longer, but in our lives it feels like a very loooooong time. The problem? He's looking for the perfect job. The one that will help catapult him to the next level of his career. The solution? We're not sure yet. But it may require drastic measures. Well, drastic by our standards anyway.

We live in Minnesota. We haven't always lived here. We lived in Colorado for two glorious years, and these are the years that made us who we really are, and made us realize how desperately we want to be parents. Because of the strong desire to create and nurture a family of our own, we wanted to be back in our "home" state, closer to the grandparents we were sure to create, or create again in the case of my in-laws. We moved home. Safe. To his "old" job and our "old" town.

Now that I'm finally growing comfortable with living here. Finally adjusting to the thought of this town being our hometown. We're most likely moving. And, we're most likely moving far, far away. Sparky had an interview today. Why a phone interview? The job, the "one", is in Alaska. REMOTE. ALASKA.

Now, most people's (women's) concerns would be that we would be about 300 miles from the nearest mall. 100 miles from the nearest WalMart, and in a very, very small town. Not mine. I'm petrified of not being near reputable medical care. And I'm scared to death that we won't be able to proceed with adoption.

I am infertile. That sucks. I won't be able to have a child (more than likely) without intervention. Medical intervention. Sounds fun huh? So now that we've begun to put the bio child aspect behind us, we're potentially moving to Bum Fuck Egypt. BFE. Where do you suppose the nearest adoption agency can be found if we're 300- yes 3 HUNDRED miles from the nearest mall? But alas, it's about the job. It has to be about the job. Without THE job there won't be any children, any way, any how. So, only time will tell.

I think I need to purchase some Uggs.

The let down.

Sparky and I celebrated 12 years of wedded bliss this weekend. Now, in the previous post I stated that we were having a party. I did have a party, but it wasn't for us. It was for my good friend, Shannon. I hosted a surprise baby shower for her here at the house. I worked my butt off for days, as did Sparky, and I'm happy, oh so happy it's over. Sometimes it's just too much. I started planning the party before our world fell apart. Before we lost our Grandpa's and before we knew that his job sucked and we'd have to move again, even though we'd just decided to pursue adoption. Really start pursuing having a child again. I began to feel happy, elated at the thought that some day, some day, my wait would be over. Now, we're back to uncertainty.

When I look at Shannon I grow sad. Not sad that she's lucky enough to experience the miracle of pregnancy and birth, but sad that I may never know what it feels like to grow a child in my womb. I may never know what it's like to be showered and gushed over. Adoption is taboo. Filled with too many "what-ifs" and "maybes". I just want what I thought was guaranteed to all women. Little did I know.

Most of the time it doesn't bother me. After 8 years I'm pretty numb. Too numb. It took 2 funerals in one week to finally help me cry. I'm a very emotional person, well, I was a very emotional person. But every time my dreams fail, I lose a little bit more of me. Bit by bit, I seem to disappear.

I know that there are more than one way to have a family, grow a family. I have no doubt that when we move forward with adoption I'll love our child(ren) as if I grew them in my womb. Possibly even more. But I will miss knowing what it feels like to have them push, pull, feel, grab and grow. I would like to feel it all. To feel again. Period.

The Very First One

Hello and Welcome to the rollercoaster! I'm Karla, married to Sparky. Happily for going on 12 years. In fact we will be celebrating our 12th anniversary this weekend. In honor of the milestone, well, lately it seems like a milestone, we're having ourselves a party!

We are currently not trying to conceive. We're taking a break. Just biding time in life while Sparky looks for a new job. He's been looking for a long time. A long time. Over a year. We were hoping to have something new, be somewhere new, by this summer. That didn't happen. So, we signed our lease and we're essentially stuck here until next spring.

I don't want you to assume that we're fully unhappy about that. Honestly, we love where we live. The problem? No job. Not the one that Sparky's looking for at this point in his career. So we're looking throughout the world for a new opportunity, the right opportunity. Now, how the hell do we find it?

I have a theory. Life is NOT at all what I'd planned. Nothing that I've dreamt of, planned for, worked hard for, has happened. Except for the hunky hubby, of course. So, anyway, back to my theory. I do not find my life, my life finds me. Why? Because we talked about getting a dog. For years. But he wanted this and I wanted this. Well, our Chessa found us. We weren't looking. In fact we told our friends NO, we did NOT want her. And then we fell in love. Ches is 9. She is the BEST dog ever. We adore her. Love her. And now I cannot imagine my life without her. She found us when we needed her most.

My theory came into play again on a cold December night in 2007. Sparky went to the garage to find something and came back in with a starving, abandoned kitty. Even when she found us we didn't want her, that sounds awful doesn't it? But we didn't. Our lease states we're not supposed to have cats. Alas, we fell in love and named her Woobie. That's a story I'll save for another time. And so, it seems, that this is the way we're meant to build our family.

Great things come in all different packages. When I met my husband he wasn't "the one" for me. How wrong I was. His package wasn't what I was looking for, but the gift inside was more than I could have hoped for. No, our journey hasn't been smooth, it's been a rollercoaster. I've always hated rollercoasters...but I might have to change my mind.