Bliss

I have taken some time in the past few days to sit back and analyze my feelings. I have a long history of running when I'm scared. Not actually running, but turning tail and avoiding the issue, so I've decided to not do that. I am facing my fears head on.

I have a dreamt of being a mother my entire life. I don't remember ever NOT wanting to be a mom. My days as a girl were spent mimicking life as Carolyn Ingalls, baking breads and pies, cooking, and washing laundry in a tub outside my playhouse. I would strap my baby seat to the front of my bike, and use shoelaces to tether my babies in and take them along. I couldn't bear for them to be left behind.

When my brothers, cousins and uncle would steal my babies I would wail in fear that one would be injured. I would sneak them into the house and tuck them all in, much to my Mom's dismay, often times hiding them in my closet. And now that I am much older, I can admit that I played with dolls until I was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too old.

The desire was always there. Always.

And now after nearly 9 years of waiting for it, the thought of it being so close, so tangible, is very, very frightening. What the heck do I know about being a mother?

I have fretted. I have overthought all of it. I have made it much more than it needs to be. And every time I think about it. I keep coming back to one thing. I want to be a mom. I want a child. Children. Not I want a child just like me.

I put it out there. I gave it to God. And now I have my answer. A very wise friend told me today to follow my bliss. To do what makes me happy. Not to worry about the needs, wishes, desires of those around me. She asked me why I was worrying about things I could not control? And why those things were suddenly so important? I had no answer. And I knew.

That doesn't mean that I won't freak out 100 more times before we make the big decisions. But we are closer now than we have ever been. We spent 30 minutes rearranging our house in our minds to make it make sense. And it will. When it's supposed to. Until then my goal is to try to enjoy this very exciting time in our life.

Let the games begin!

Dreams

As you can tell by the past few posts I'm having issues. It's a very weird sensation, but I'm having a very strong urge to have a bio child. It could be that my birthday is coming soon, or it could be that I am finally letting myself think about it all. I haven't done that in a long time. I'm pretty good at putting things away and compartmentalizing them. But for some unknown reason, the urge to bear a child is undeniably strong right now.

I will recognize that it will pass. Perhaps it's a character flaw of mine. I don't know. Maybe it's normal? I don't know that either. What I do know is right now nothing is out. I am simultaneously researching and seeking out adoption information and reading about infertility and how to overcome it. I have even gone so far as to rule out some agencies here in Alaska. There are still a couple agencies I'm having a hard time reaching, but I am confident in time I will. Though it troubles me slightly to not get a prompt response, and that may be something to note for future communications.

Last night didn't help. I had a very vivid and real dream about having, holding and nursing my newborn child. So vivid that I woke clenching my blanket to my chest as if protecting a newborn. That didn't help the baby pangs either.

I feel guilty about wanting a bio child. And then get angry that I feel guilty about wanting to experience pregnancy. Then roll my eyes and think that I'm silly for all of this. And then I just decided that I don't care if it seems strange to someone else. I have to do this my way. And if someone wants to judge me, feel free. I have had enough regrets in my life, I'm not about to add another one.

So, that's where I am. Technically I can't move forward with either until we make some decisions. For bio child, I am working on my physical issues. The ones that I can control. And for adopted child, we have to decide if we are going to stay in this house, and some other decisions before I feel comfortable pushing forward. So, I have time, and I'm going to take that time to do what's best for me, and my family.

Here I sit. My mind still reeling. But at least it's positive, happy decisions to make. And I sit here and realize my life can, and has, been a lot worse. So, I'm not going to sweat the small stuff. Hell, maybe I'll just do both.

Have a happy day!

Flipping and Flopping...

Okay, I just want to say that I'm not a twit. I'm not. But I'm not one that takes responsibility lightly. And I also have this guilt complex. I want to clarify that my reservations are not with adoption itself. I'm very clear on that. And I have no doubt that at the minimum a portion of our family will come through adoption.

I have an issue with being told what to do. I'll take it from God. After all, He's the Master, and His word is the only word. However, it is my defiant nature, just ask my parents (ha!), that I strongly resist someone bossing me around. Okay, so this is where the indecision comes in. I don't want to be rude, or rash, or say something in haste.

I have come to terms with my infertility. Having a biological child is no longer something that I have to do. It is simply something that I would like to do. However, no matter how much I try, I may never have a biological child. And that truly is fine. My issue is being told that once I adopt a child I no longer have a right to decide whether or not to pursue more fertility treatments. We may, or we may not, but in my opinion, that is our choice. It is not for someone else to decide.

So, that is where my indecision lies. I am still convinced that adoption is how our family will be built. Whether it's 100% or not, I have no idea. That's my sticking point. But we are still researching agencies, seeking out information, and networking in any way, shape and form. I do not doubt my ability to love any child. Whether that child is red or yellow, black or white, biological or adopted, male or female has no determination on my ability to bond or love. The process may be different, but I know the result will be the same. I have NEVER doubted that.

I think the process for others is quicker. But once I commit I can guarantee there will be no going back. I will commit. I AM committed.

Have a happy day!

Indecision

I'm a flip-flopper. I just am. It's in me. Every time I think I'm A-OK with something, I start to make a mental list of pros and cons. Or I freak out a bit.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am fully on board with adoption. I have had one issue with it since the beginning of the true research phase. Most adoption agencies want infertile couples to completely put trying to conceive behind you. I just don't know if I can. Or if I'm ready to do that.

I would like to have control over that aspect of my life. I don't. I haven't ever. So it ticks me off a little bit that my reproductive future is so important to someone else. I just don't know what it matters. Isn't it my choice? Shouldn't it be my choice. I have no doubt that at least a portion of my family will come through adoption, so what should it matter in which order that happens.

I have made no definite decisions about anything. Because, thankfully, I don't have to right at this minute. However, the decision will have to come sooner or later.

Any ideas??

Have a happy day!

Humming Along

Lately I've been reading. Sparky and I have been talking a lot about adoption, and just waiting to feel a little more settled. I think right now the major issue will be finding space for another body in this house. I don't care about perfect anymore, that went out the window nearly 9 years ago. But it would be nice to have the physical space for at least a bassinet.

Sparky has a co-worker whose wife deals with adoptions. I don't know if she's with an agency, or in what capacity, but I am interested in speaking with her. When we were in Minnesota we had first hand recommendations from a family friend regarding an agency. Here, we're free falling. So, at the minimum I'm hoping that she can provide me with people who have adopted here in Alaska.

Brent has another co-worker that adopted his 4 year old. However, it was a family adoption, and it was completed before they arrived here. That doesn't help me out. So for now I continue to gather information and hope and pray for guidance.

This step is exciting. I'm hoping we'll be making it very, very soon. And I'm looking forward to what the future holds for our family.

Have a happy day!

Light Reading

Today I was finally able to get into town to pick up my Amazon package. As expected, it was my copy of this book. I opened it as soon as I got home and read the first 20 pages. So far, upon skimming, it is a great book. Most of the early pages are just an overview of my feelings toward adoption. Since we're past this point, I mainly skimmed.

I am looking forward to getting deeper into the book and seeing what the coming chapters have in store for us. They do give a listing of agencies by state in the back of the book, so I do have a couple more agencies to call next week. Awesome.

Since the snow is coming down outside, Sparky and I are spending our time watching movies tonight. We are currently watching Wall-E. What a cute little movie. I knew that it was a favorite among children, but I had no idea how cute and funny it would be! If you haven't seen it, you should check it out.

I will definitely be buying this to add our DVD collection for when the book pays off and we're spending Friday nights just like tonight...except with one (or two) little addition.

Have a great day!

In My Freetime...

Yesterday I decided to take the plunge. Well, not THE plunge, but I took the plunge in the kiddy pool. Which means that I was wet to my shins, or ankles. Ha! Anyway, the point is that I finally sat down with the information from Fairbanks Counseling & Adoption.

The packet was good, informative and provided me with a good overview of their agency. They work with all couples whether they provide only home study services for those couples/parents seeking out a birth mom on their own, to domestic adoptions, to international adoptions, to special needs adoptions.

In their packet they included articles from various publications, about an example of each type of adoption that their agency provides. Included in that information, much to my surprise and delight, was a blogger friend, Laurie and her family at Pho For Five. I have been reading Laurie's blog for quite a bit of time because although their adoption story is unique and individual, they have two sons through adoption, and a biological daughter.

So, I read through the information. It was good, and clear, concise and now I'm ready to search out more information and keep plugging forward. There were some pleasant surprises, but I really do need to seek out more information and more agencies. And I'm still waiting for that book.

Are You Fireproof?

I had heard a lot about this movie in the past couple weeks. It seems like everyone I know was watching it, and finally curiousity got the better of me. We rented it this weekend. As we sat down to watch on Saturday afternoon, I had NO idea that my life would be changed. Does that sound dramatic to you? Well, it probably is, but it is the truth.

While the acting is not Oscar worthy, the message of the story is life-changing. It is moving beyond words, and once you just open your heart and let it lead you, it pulls you past the sometimes awkward scenes.

I will highly recommend this movie to anyone I know. Married, unmarried, in a relationship, or not. I believe that you can take the principals and concepts and apply them to every relationship in your life.

Even in the past 24 hours I have watched my words and actions. Thought before I spoke, which for me is sometimes a challenge, and re-examined my feelings, thoughts, and attitudes toward loved ones in my life.

Watch it. Watch it with the one you love. I promise you, it will be worth it.