Busy Is An Understatement

Well, it seems that my life is about to get a little bit busier.  I referred to this subject in my last post, but didn't really "go" there as not to jinx myself.  Well, it's official.  I've been offered the position and I've accepted the assignment.  Here we go...full steam ahead.

What am I talking about?  I'll be working on base for a couple months.  I'm a temp employee working for Boeing, so I'm not employed by them, but by Volt Services.  A-okay.  The assignment will begin at 40 hours/week and it's expected to eventually become 60 hours/week.  We'll see.  Bottom line, it's only a couple of months and I can handle it. I've been skating by the past few months.

Now, I'm still keeping my permanent job at Durham Realty, I'll just be mixing around and adjusting my hours to accomodate my new schedule.  I told you my boss rocks.  Of course it's works out that we're slow this time of year.  And then when the temp job ends I'll start in on real estate classes.  Phew.  Told you I'd be busy. ;)

In addition, like I don't have enough going on, I've started my own business.  Sassy.  It's a fun job, developed just for fun, selling designer inspired handbags and accessories.  I dreamt copied the concept for parties that I've attended in the past.  And discovered that there are none here.  Open market. :)  Yay.  So, I tentatively now have 3 parties on the books.  We'll see if they pan out.

In between we'll continue to research and search adoption options.  And hopefully FINALLY decide on the path, avenue, trail that we're destined for.  I will admit it's been on the bottom of the list, but never far from my mind.  I guess maybe it's time for Brent to do some research.  LOL.  We'll see...

Last night I had dinner with a group of ladies that I'd never met before.  It was quite a mixed bag, and I generally find the fertile women a little bit much to deal with.  It could have been my frame of mind, or the delicious pinot grigio I was sipping, but the bouncy twenty-somethings with eggs ready-to-fire, didn't bother me much.  Eh, let 'em have 'em.   I don't need that particular super power.  Ha!  In all seriousness, I wish much to reproduction to those who can, will and want.  It's just that I believe in humor and sometimes you just have to laugh about it.  Seriously.

So, I guess it's just the way the wind blows.  I've spent so much time being angry, heart broken, and confused about it all, that it really feels good to just go with the flow.  See what happens.  Figure it out as the time comes.  And right now, I have forms to fill out, cups to pee in, and badges to get.  I'm busy.  And that's an understatement.

Have a happy day!

Just Rolling Along

Things are certainly better here than from my last post. I was feeling really down and discouraged, and tired, if you hadn't caught that the first 150 times I said it. LOL. But I'm feeling much better this week.

It could be the lovely weather we're having here, but it's most likely that things have slowed on the body front. Slowed, not stopped, but I do have more energy. I have been better about taking my vitamins and iron supplement, so that likely helps as well.

Other than that, we're just drifting along. No real decisions have been made on the adoption front, but I'm not pushing as we did agree to wait until winter to decide anything about the adoption. Meaning what avenue we will take. At this point it's a given that we'll be proceeding with adoption.

I'm a planner. So I'm trying not to obsess about every little detail. Like where the baby will sleep. And the fact that the "nursery" is a strange color and will be hard to decorate around. In fact, my plan is to not use it as a nursery at all. For now. I think we'll just plan on putting whatever baby comes along in our room, and we'll worry about the rest later. But as I said, I'm a planner and it's hard for me to do.

In an effort to keep busy and keep from obsessing about all things baby I'm starting a new business. I haven't announced this ANYWHERE so you'll be the first to know. I am placing my first real order tonight. I will be selling designer-inspired handbags and accessories. My business name is SASSY. Since it's a word that covers anything and that I use constantly. And I have my first party in the making...just waiting for the stuff to actually get here. So far, so good.

In addition, I have applied for a temp job on base. They called for a pre-interview, but who knows. It's anyones game at this point. It would be 60 hours/week for 2 months, give or take, and my full time job will allow me to adjust my hours to fit. So it's really a win-win. Now, whether they'll call or not, who knows. Anyway, it would allow us to bank some $, or take care of other bills, to make more money for baby. Yeah, I know...it always comes back to baby.

So, the 2nd room sits fairly empty, waiting for the decision. Do I make it a full-time office/guest room/project room or do I wait and make it a nursery/guest room. I'm thinking that it will serve a better purpose as an office. But I'm not making any snap decisions...

Have a happy day!

Tired, Tired and More Tired

I have PCOS. This is not new information, and for those of you who know me personally, or have followed along, I was diagnosed many, many years ago now. After all, we have been TTC for well over 9 years. Every year my body changes. Not so much externally, I've been heavy for years, and while I don't like it, I find it very difficult to follow a healthy lifestyle plan that ends in me losing a recognizeable amount of weight. I am, however, changing internally. And I'm worried. I don't speak about it, I pass it off as "normal for me", but the truth be told, it worries me. A lot.

I have have been menstrating since May 14. I have had one or two days, since that period of time, that I have been without bleeding. Now, to be fair, this is fairly normal for me. It ranges from gushing, to mere spotting, back to the former, and so on. I am exhausted. I'm mad. I'm mad at myself for not being strong enough to do something about it, and I'm mad at God for making me this way. Like most things in my life, I feel if I ignore it, it will go away. It won't. And I have to face it. Head on. But I'm scared.

The thing that sucks the most? It's not the weight that is my foremost concern. It is important, probably most important, but I know that inevitably I will need a hysterectomy. While I'm looking forward to that day, when I can claim my life back, I dread it as well. For if indeed a hysterectomy is what I need, my chances of ever having the chance of a bio baby is gone. Most days I can deal with that, or I thought I could. But now it's my reality, and it's a pretty big dose of truth to swallow.

I have a lot of work to do. Too bad I'm so tired. Time to up my iron supplement I guess. Here's to finding the good in everything...

Search Party

Well, as promised, or threatened depending how you look at it, I have been searching, searching and researching adoption information. There is a lot of information out there, and a lot of good, truthful, honest information, and I'm assuming an equal amount of dirty old jerks trying to rip off good people.

As I've been wading through information I was have been growing apprehensive and nervous. There is a lot to consider with parenting in general, but specifically with adoption. More than I anticipated, I think. Anyway, just when I was feeling down and discouraged, for oh, about the 199,987th time, I stumbled across a website that specializes in adoption finance. Financing is difficult with adoption. I have no house, so a home equity loan is out of question, and I can't really use a baby as collateral, can I? lol. I've been reading for an accurate expectation of what an "average" adoption costs. And well, the figures are all over the board. The best I can come up with is that the average cost is $15-45k. That's a huge difference. The first number is entirely doable the high end of that, makes me start hyperventilating!

Since Alaska has very few birth parents that place their children willingly, we are looking at other resources. One of those is a referral agency. So far, we're finding a number of available situations which is hopeful, but we're also finding that they're on the upper range of the aforementioned numbers. This is the part that is hard to swallow. I understand some of the fees, I'm not so keen on some of the others. I will pay any amount to make sure that the birthparents have adequate, and hopefully really good, counseling. I can only imagine what a life-changing decision this is, and the pain and emotional trauma associated with it.

But, I have an issue with living expenses. And it's legal, I've done research there. One birthmom was asking to have her dental work paid for, many others ask for living expenses, and while I understand their needs, I don't always understand how I, or the potential adoptive parents, are responsible for all their needs. We are providing a life, a home, an education for a child they cannot, or choose not, to parent. My head has a hard time wrapping around this, my heart says to just shut up and go for it. But I'm not independantly wealthy and I would like to send my kids to college... :)

Anyway, so more research to be done. And we'll find the process that's right for us.

Have a happy day!

Seasons Change Again

Fall is here! Well, fall is here and nearly over. I think that would be a better explanation of our weather here. But I'm not complaining. I'm soaking in every last single little bit of sunshine, and playing, playing, playing. That doesn't mean, however, that babies/kids/children/family aren't constantly on our minds. They have been for um, about 10 years now, so why should it be any different now.



We're still processing things. Doing research about our options, and trying to open our minds and expand our thinking beyond the boundaries we had previously set for ourselves, and for our family. Time does indeed heal all wounds, and brings closure to parts of our lives. For us, it's helped us realize what we want, and need perhaps, in a family. I certainly have come a long way in the years since we first began trying to build our family.



Sparky goes out of town next week and I'll use the extra time that I have, since he won't be here to haul me off into the woods, to do additional resource. Perhaps I'll even get brave and make some phone calls and inquiries. It's a scary business, to realize that with the right contact, the right decision, all of our dreams could come true.



Having a family is something that I always took for granted. And while I could dwell on the negatives of infertility I have a harder time doing that these days. There are too many things to be thankful for, so I try to focus on the positives, what I can do, what will happen, and what I can change about myself, my life. For 9 years my whole focus in life has been on babies. How to get them, why they weren't coming, and now, I'm happy to just live. Be happy, be present, let go and let God.

These days I'm active in our pursuit to become a slightly larger family, but I don't dwell. I'm filling up my life with new experiences, new goals, and a new focus on life. It's me time. I have never given myself the time to reach my potential. Whatever that may be. So, for now, I'm exploring, researching and just plain old having fun.

Have a happy day!

Highs and Lows

Well, it seems the world of fertility has been wonderful, and horrible, for many of my friends and family. While it's not my place to make announcements, I have had the wonderful joy of sharing in a pregnancy of a friend that has been waiting 10 long years for this moment. We are all hoping and praying that her little one is a sticky little bean.

With ups come downs, and a member of Sparky's family recently lost a baby. We keep them in our thoughts and prayers and hope that they will experience the joy of a happy and healthy pregnancy soon.

My womb continues to be barren, and I sometimes wonder if there might be a cobweb or two in there. But I am good. And looking forward to winter when we'll have time to do the research necessary to make the decision to move forward. It's hard to know what path to choose, but I'm confident that we'll make the right decision for our family.

I'm back online and hoping to update more regularly. Have a happy, happy day!!

Trucking Along...

Well, I've been confused. And well, a little discouraged, and then I stopped. Now we're trucking along...again. I think we'll wait until winter to make any big decisions. But it's good to know that we are just that much closer to having a child in our home.

There are many things that we'll have to think about, living in rural Alaska. But they're mini challenges and I refuse to give up just because things might not go according to my plan. Ha! Oh, that's funny. My plan. My plan no longer exists, and I'm a-okay with that! Now we have a new plan, and I'm pretty sure I won't miss the old plan at all!

The word is getting out now, and for the most part, I think just about everyone we know, and even some we don't know, know that we hope to add through our family through adoption. I've been doing more research, and soul searching, and hopefully soon we'll know which way to go.

We are facing our first challenge happily, and while we are now considering options that we wouldn't have considered before, I feel confident that it will only lead us to the right path. The one in which we are destined to take.

Have a happy day!