MIA

My penchant for blogging left me a while back.  I was drowning in stacks of paperwork, profiles to write, background checks to complete and an assortment of all kinds of fun things.  And now, I have too much time on my hands, and still with nothing really happening, it feels like I don't have much interesting to say.  This is what's up.


We have a completed homestudy.  We have a completed profile.  And we're waiting.  Waiting for a mother somewhere in Alaska to decide that she's not ready to be a parent, and to pick us to parent her child.  The latter is the trickier portion of the equation.  That being said, I'm practing my patience skills every day.  Some days are easier than others, and those that haven't been through it don't understand.  It's okay.  I smile.  And wait....and wait...and...you get the picture.


April 2012 will mark the beginning of our 12th year waiting to become parents.  In some ways it seems like a lifetime ago we began this journey.  In other ways it seems like yesterday.   I have learned a lot, changed a lot, and become a woman in the process. 


While I wish that our journey hadn't been quite so long and drawn out, I can say that I view parenthood and parenting much differently than I did a dozen years ago.  I personally feel that I will be a better mother, more prepared for how an 8lb wonder will change our world.  And more prepared to handle life that revolves around a vomiting, pooping, jumble of perfect imperfections.  


I cannot wait to meet my child.  I cannot wait to meet the woman who gives me the most precious gift.  And I cannot wait to make my parents grandparents.  I wish I weren't going to be the first. I wish my brothers would bless our family with some beautiful, bouncing babies!  Come on boys!!!  But I know that their decisions are theirs.  And while I cannot always understand I have learned to respect those choices.  


My younger brother isn't off the hook, yet.  Giddy up, Andy Taylor!  


I don't wish infertility on anyone.  But I wish it were easier to explain to those outside the fire how absolutely life-changing it is.  How much pressure, stress and fatigue it adds to your life.  How it threatens to tear apart every dream and ideal you ever had, almost succeeds, and then the relief and joy in managing to find the love and happiness in your life once again.  


How it changes the way you look at every relationship, feel about women who can conceive with seemingly little effort.  How it makes you feel crazy, and feel like an outsider amongst your friends and family.  How you don't want to feel angry, hurt, like dying, when one more person receives the gift of a child.

I wish that people could know how happy we were at the news of their coming babies, how much we love the children in our lives.  Our nephews, our niece and our friends children.  


I wish I could find a way in words to convey how anticipated and loved our future children are.  How much we want them and how proud we are to be (potential) adoptive parents.  How the decision to adopt was easy for me, and how once my better half decided he was ready to adopt attacked it with gusto.  I wish those who haven't been through it wouldn't judge.  


You don't know our hearts, you don't know what happens in our life, and if you cared enough to ask, we'd be happy to share.  Just trust that we have thought through every decision, gotten lots of advice, done a ton of research, and we're going to rock this parenthood thing. :)


Happy Spring!