15 Days

I've started this post a few times.  There are so many things to say, and I have no words to say them.  I'm speechless.

Our life is about to change.  I've had this said to me a number of times in the past few weeks.  I would like to say, I know.  I know that it will change in ways I cannot yet fathom.  I know it already has.  I know that this is the change we've been waiting for for way too many years.  We are ready.  We are more than ready.  We have been waiting.  For too long.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I know that friends and family members are well-intentioned.  But sometimes it feels like their words of wisdom are a bit loaded, perhaps even threats.  We are older parents, perhaps not by choice, but it was a concerted effort.  The road to get here has not been easy, and my life has not been full of long vacations, late nights of partying, and bon bons on the couch.

We are not afraid, naive or saddened by the changes he'll bring to our lives.  He is wanted.  We have prayed, cried, begged and prayed some more for him.  I loved him from the moment I knew he was a possibility.  Perhaps even before.

We have been doubly blessed with his birthmother.  A kind, strong, loving mother.  She knows what she wants for her child, and she's determined to make it happen.  She knows that for now, she is not enough, and that he deserves the thing that she can't give him.  A father.  A family.  

My heart breaks for her, but she is amazing.  I know that I would not be strong enough to choose life, choose adoption, I would be too selfish.  She is honest, caring and funny.  She's courageous.  I hope that in the years to come BB will know all these things about his first mother.  I hope he knows she chose this path for him, for her, for all of us.

I hope he won't feel unloved and abandoned.  I hope she stays a part of our lives.  I hope she knows that I love her.  I want her to know she's his family, she's our family.  Without her we wouldn't be a family.

We are 15 days away.  We are ready.  We are excited.  We are nervous.  We are grateful.

Meeting our birthmom

After the phone calls, tears and can-you-believe-it's we arranged for a time and day to meet C, our birthmother.  We had a long, quiet drive to Fairbanks.  I napped to avoid a complete meltdown, Brent listened to talk radio.  In an effort to exert control I led him on a wild goose chase and made us 15 minutes late.


Brent was mildly annoyed with me when we walked in, checked in and waited, and waited, for what seemed like an eternity.  It was literally probably 30 seconds.  L came up, greeted us with hugs and congratulations and all the turmoil of getting there disappeared.


She led us down the steps to the room where our process (finger printing) began just months before.  The door opened, I saw a messy dark pony tail, and a teeny little girl.  After we were introduced all I could focus on was that belly.  That's all there was to her, dark hair, sweet face and lotsa baby belly.  I have no words for that moment.  My love for her grew in that moment and our fate was sealed.  She would be the woman to answer my every wish and most fervent prayer.  I thought I'd feel guilt, maybe some jealousy, or perhaps even a little resentment.  Nothing.  Nothing but love and gratefulness.


The first thing she said was that she could promise a cute and fat baby.  Instantly all my apprehension and distrust floated away. We sat and talked for hours, learning about each other's pasts, and what we all wanted for the future.  We talked about her two young sons, and her desire for them to know this boy, our son.  She's an intelligent, goal-oriented, loving mother.  There were no tears on her part that day, just steely resolve, and a determination to do what was best for her baby, our baby.  She explained a bit of her past, with some apprehension.  I told her the truth.  Life takes us on a journey, we have no control, and we, of all people, understand that life happens.  I assured her that she would find no judgement with us.  From there, we flowed.


As we sat and talked, and talked some more.  C interrupted while I was talking to say that Baby Boy must like my voice because he went crazy whenever I was talking.  It was a simple statement, that quite literally took my breath away.


Sometime over the coming hours at lunch we discovered that she and I both hate socks, and a million other little tiny things that we have in common.  She explained how she chose us, and her mom chose us, how her dad raised pigs growing up, and how I grew up on a pig farm.  She talked about her plan for her future, and in a completely honest moment, I was so proud of her.  For not letting a detour stop her from becoming who she longs to be.  


She shared pictures of her boys.  Beautiful, beautiful boys. My heart was gone, sailing...


In the days and weeks past we've shared texts, phone calls from L, and we'll be meeting with C and her little guy (and ours) later this week.  I'm just hoping for a nice, relaxing visit for us all.