Dreams

As you can tell by the past few posts I'm having issues. It's a very weird sensation, but I'm having a very strong urge to have a bio child. It could be that my birthday is coming soon, or it could be that I am finally letting myself think about it all. I haven't done that in a long time. I'm pretty good at putting things away and compartmentalizing them. But for some unknown reason, the urge to bear a child is undeniably strong right now.

I will recognize that it will pass. Perhaps it's a character flaw of mine. I don't know. Maybe it's normal? I don't know that either. What I do know is right now nothing is out. I am simultaneously researching and seeking out adoption information and reading about infertility and how to overcome it. I have even gone so far as to rule out some agencies here in Alaska. There are still a couple agencies I'm having a hard time reaching, but I am confident in time I will. Though it troubles me slightly to not get a prompt response, and that may be something to note for future communications.

Last night didn't help. I had a very vivid and real dream about having, holding and nursing my newborn child. So vivid that I woke clenching my blanket to my chest as if protecting a newborn. That didn't help the baby pangs either.

I feel guilty about wanting a bio child. And then get angry that I feel guilty about wanting to experience pregnancy. Then roll my eyes and think that I'm silly for all of this. And then I just decided that I don't care if it seems strange to someone else. I have to do this my way. And if someone wants to judge me, feel free. I have had enough regrets in my life, I'm not about to add another one.

So, that's where I am. Technically I can't move forward with either until we make some decisions. For bio child, I am working on my physical issues. The ones that I can control. And for adopted child, we have to decide if we are going to stay in this house, and some other decisions before I feel comfortable pushing forward. So, I have time, and I'm going to take that time to do what's best for me, and my family.

Here I sit. My mind still reeling. But at least it's positive, happy decisions to make. And I sit here and realize my life can, and has, been a lot worse. So, I'm not going to sweat the small stuff. Hell, maybe I'll just do both.

Have a happy day!