Bliss

I have taken some time in the past few days to sit back and analyze my feelings. I have a long history of running when I'm scared. Not actually running, but turning tail and avoiding the issue, so I've decided to not do that. I am facing my fears head on.

I have a dreamt of being a mother my entire life. I don't remember ever NOT wanting to be a mom. My days as a girl were spent mimicking life as Carolyn Ingalls, baking breads and pies, cooking, and washing laundry in a tub outside my playhouse. I would strap my baby seat to the front of my bike, and use shoelaces to tether my babies in and take them along. I couldn't bear for them to be left behind.

When my brothers, cousins and uncle would steal my babies I would wail in fear that one would be injured. I would sneak them into the house and tuck them all in, much to my Mom's dismay, often times hiding them in my closet. And now that I am much older, I can admit that I played with dolls until I was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too old.

The desire was always there. Always.

And now after nearly 9 years of waiting for it, the thought of it being so close, so tangible, is very, very frightening. What the heck do I know about being a mother?

I have fretted. I have overthought all of it. I have made it much more than it needs to be. And every time I think about it. I keep coming back to one thing. I want to be a mom. I want a child. Children. Not I want a child just like me.

I put it out there. I gave it to God. And now I have my answer. A very wise friend told me today to follow my bliss. To do what makes me happy. Not to worry about the needs, wishes, desires of those around me. She asked me why I was worrying about things I could not control? And why those things were suddenly so important? I had no answer. And I knew.

That doesn't mean that I won't freak out 100 more times before we make the big decisions. But we are closer now than we have ever been. We spent 30 minutes rearranging our house in our minds to make it make sense. And it will. When it's supposed to. Until then my goal is to try to enjoy this very exciting time in our life.

Let the games begin!