Feeling...broken.

So, since we used to live in Colorado and I miss the mountains I start by reading the Denver Post online. My first stop is the horoscopes. Not because I'm that into astrology, etc, but because I think it's fun and interesting when the stars line up and something in my horoscope matches up with my real life.

Today's horoscope told me that I would feel extra amorous towards a "loved one". I'm hoping that's Sparky. And that baby pink and blue would become very interesting colors to me. Wow, seems like a simple statement. A simple sentence. And yet, it completed knocked the wind out of me.

You see, most normal women can tell by the way they feel, the way their body feels, that they are pregnant. For me. Not so much. All the things that point to ovulation, pregnancy, my period, they all get intermingled in my body. Nothing is true. Nothing is right. How do I know? Because I haven't ovulated in over 15 years. And if I have, that's one evasive little egg.

Well, no matter how much I know about infertility, and no matter how much I know about my broken body and the fact that it will never work properly, I still have hope. Hope is supposed to be a positive emotion, a positive feeling, and yet, more often than not, I just want the hope to leave. I don't want to experience that huge fall after I realize that I'm broken, and I'm not pregnant. Again.

Last week a lady from work brought her new born in. After 8 years I'm pretty numb to about anything. I'm at the age where all of my friends are having children. Some have just begun their journey and others are finished. Their families complete. How strange is it that women my age, and I'm only 33, have completed their families? And some of them, were complete years ago. I got up from my desk after listening to the new born cry and hearing my co-workers coo and gush, and walked back to meet the new little one. And about after 3 minutes of standing there watching the new mom beam, I had to walk away, and go to the restroom to cry. This hasn't happened in a very long time.

So, now I sit, just me and my broken body and wonder if and when it'll be my turn. Dear God, please let it happen soon. I don't know how much longer I can last. Seriously.