Tired, Tired and More Tired

I have PCOS. This is not new information, and for those of you who know me personally, or have followed along, I was diagnosed many, many years ago now. After all, we have been TTC for well over 9 years. Every year my body changes. Not so much externally, I've been heavy for years, and while I don't like it, I find it very difficult to follow a healthy lifestyle plan that ends in me losing a recognizeable amount of weight. I am, however, changing internally. And I'm worried. I don't speak about it, I pass it off as "normal for me", but the truth be told, it worries me. A lot.

I have have been menstrating since May 14. I have had one or two days, since that period of time, that I have been without bleeding. Now, to be fair, this is fairly normal for me. It ranges from gushing, to mere spotting, back to the former, and so on. I am exhausted. I'm mad. I'm mad at myself for not being strong enough to do something about it, and I'm mad at God for making me this way. Like most things in my life, I feel if I ignore it, it will go away. It won't. And I have to face it. Head on. But I'm scared.

The thing that sucks the most? It's not the weight that is my foremost concern. It is important, probably most important, but I know that inevitably I will need a hysterectomy. While I'm looking forward to that day, when I can claim my life back, I dread it as well. For if indeed a hysterectomy is what I need, my chances of ever having the chance of a bio baby is gone. Most days I can deal with that, or I thought I could. But now it's my reality, and it's a pretty big dose of truth to swallow.

I have a lot of work to do. Too bad I'm so tired. Time to up my iron supplement I guess. Here's to finding the good in everything...