Stigma

I'm a cliche'. Wait, no I'm not. But I feel like a cliche'. I feel like any time I have an emotion other than graciousness and numbness, I'm going to be labeled "that crazy infertile woman". Today is one of those days.

We had a potential birth mother. She's decided to parent. Yes, I knew this might happen. Probably would happen. She has every right. She is the parent. But unfortunately that means I'm not supposed to feel anything but understanding and gratitude that she contacted me. You want the real truth. I'm disappointed. I didn't let myself believe that this was a lock, not by any means. And yes, she's early in her pregnancy, so anything could change. But I'm also not an idiot, and I'm certainly not going to put all my eggs in that basket. Period.

Even worse. Sparky is crushed, and we haven't even reached the hard part yet. I don't know if I can keep us both together. We're excited, and I think, more-than-a-little scared. But we'll make it through. I'll give him his time. And then we'll move forward. With smiles. In the meantime, facebook is littered with new babies and they're grateful mothers. We are going to a "meat and greet" for one of Brent's coworkers, to meet their new son. I can't help it. It's bittersweet.

And I'm mad. Mad that I can't just feel what I feel without having the guilt, shame and anxiety of having someone think I'm not strong enough to handle this. I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. But that doesn't mean I'm stone. It hurts. No matter how much I don't want it to. It stings and "in God's time", while it's true, only goes so far. And frankly, I just want to hold my baby in my arms, rock and kiss and cuddle that baby. But instead I'm being fingerprinted, interviewed and having my background checked. While I understand, I'm intelligent enough for that, it isn't the picture that comes to mind when I think of starting a family.

So I cry alone, for what could have been. And I smile for the rest of the world, because it's what makes them comfortable. I know life isn't fair, and I'm fine with that, I'm just looking for my miracle.