Christmas is my favorite time of year. A time of great joy, for it's Jesus Christ's birthday. A time to feast on the bounties that God has placed before us. Family, friends, food and gifts chosen with care and love.
It's the time of year that brings out the best, and worst, in people. Some find it a time to reach within themselves and give. Some give time, others money, some gifts of necessity for those less fortunate.
I usually find myself searching my heart, to find the answers to questions long left behind in thought. I am always drawn to church, to religion, to prayer.
This is our first Christmas without our grandpa's. Sparky and I both lost our dear grandfathers in July. While I mourn the loss of my Grandpa Elmo, I think the love, devotion, and loss felt by Sparky for Grandpa Earl goes deeper. Anyone who knew Grandpa, loved Grandpa. I loved him as my own, and I didn't meet him until I was 19 years old. But that love was real. Grandpa loved too. He loved Grandma Helen with all of his being. They had known eachother, and loved eachother a lifetime, and it still wasn't enough. He loved his children, and each and every grandchild, and great grandchild. He loved them all deeply and truly.
He and Sparky shared a connection that I know I don't have the words to explain. But you could see it between them, like a spark in the night. This deep understanding of eachother. It's a connection that I don't have with Sparky, and a love that will never be replaced. It was a special love, a special bond, and I know Sparky grieves his grandpa daily. Today was a difficult day for him, for many reasons.
I cannot lie that I hoped since we both lost so much this year, so much, so close, that we would be blessed with the ultimate of blessings. I was convinced that since God had chosen to take two loved ones in such a short time, that it could only mean that our loss would be filled with the love of a child. Our child. We have tried to fill the loss, longing, and emptiness we feel with other activities, other vices. In some ways the longing and hurt has driven us apart, if even just a little, in other ways it has pulled us to eachother. Pulled us closer than ever.
It's a comfort to me to know that he understands. He truly understands the loss that I feel, the longings I have, the emptiness I feel in my heart. I would gladly and truly give up anything I have, or could have, for a child. I know that someday my sadness and hurt will turn to joy and eternal elation, but for now, I smile and try not to be sad when I see the families in cards that we receive each day.
This year we also celebrated our newest nephew's first Christmas. Little Toryn was born to Sparky's brother and his wife last January. What a way to start the new year! He is such a blessing. A healthy little reminder of all that is good in the world. He is happy, and smiley, and active and so, so loving. He's a ham, who loves the attention he receives in bushels from his doting parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.
Merry Christmas, whether it be your first, or your last. Know that God is good, and love surrounds you.
