More Loss

I don't claim to be an overly patient person. I never have been. It's a virtue I hope improves with age. We'll see.

Tonight I lost a friend. Lost in the sense of no longer friends, not an untimely death. It makes me incredibly sad. I will miss her, but not the frustration that always seemed present in our relationship. It may not be true, but I sincerely feel that I gave more. Not in earthly possessions, that doesn't mean anything. I gave more of myself. Me. The only true thing I have to give. And I just don't feel that I got that in return.

I believe that friendship is about sharing. I don't trust easily, I just don't, I've been used a lot. But I gave, and I trusted, and I was duped. Again. And I'm also sure that I was partly to blame. Maybe I didn't try hard enough, maybe she didn't feel valued enough, for some reason she couldn't trust me to support her, care about her, share with her.

For her I wish her happiness. That's all I've ever wanted for her. But I'm done. I have to be. It hurts too much to be used.