I've Been Thinking

Have you ever been driving along and heard a song that sparked a particular memory? Or maybe it was a feeling? An emotion? We were driving today and we were listening to a Don Williams CD. Listening to him sing of family, love and babies brought a lot of feelings and emotions to our conversation.

We both think a lot about family. We have wanted children for so long, that sometimes it feels as though it may never be a reality. But it will. I just have to have faith, and remember that it's not my timing, but God's that is important.

Brent and I didn't start out thinking that our family would be formed through adoption. I just assumed that we'd get married, and have perfect, evenly spaced babies like everyone else I knew. It took some time for both of us to realize that perfection doesn't really exist. And it doesn't necessarily apply to everyone's life. Yes, it works out beautifully for some. For me, not so much, I like to take the windy path instead.

I think adoption used to be this scary thing where babies were whisked off in the middle of the night to never know their first mothers, and their mothers were never to know them. Great strides have been made in understanding the entire adoption structure. It's no longer a cut and dried process. There are so many options, and each situation is different from the first. Great laws and processes have been put in place to help birth mothers and adoptive parents create the perfect situation for their child.

So, while we didn't start out expecting our family to be built with outside help, now I only see it as normal. How it could be. Maybe even how it should be.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Christmas is my favorite time of year. A time of great joy, for it's Jesus Christ's birthday. A time to feast on the bounties that God has placed before us. Family, friends, food and gifts chosen with care and love.

It's the time of year that brings out the best, and worst, in people. Some find it a time to reach within themselves and give. Some give time, others money, some gifts of necessity for those less fortunate.

I usually find myself searching my heart, to find the answers to questions long left behind in thought. I am always drawn to church, to religion, to prayer.

This is our first Christmas without our grandpa's. Sparky and I both lost our dear grandfathers in July. While I mourn the loss of my Grandpa Elmo, I think the love, devotion, and loss felt by Sparky for Grandpa Earl goes deeper. Anyone who knew Grandpa, loved Grandpa. I loved him as my own, and I didn't meet him until I was 19 years old. But that love was real. Grandpa loved too. He loved Grandma Helen with all of his being. They had known eachother, and loved eachother a lifetime, and it still wasn't enough. He loved his children, and each and every grandchild, and great grandchild. He loved them all deeply and truly.

He and Sparky shared a connection that I know I don't have the words to explain. But you could see it between them, like a spark in the night. This deep understanding of eachother. It's a connection that I don't have with Sparky, and a love that will never be replaced. It was a special love, a special bond, and I know Sparky grieves his grandpa daily. Today was a difficult day for him, for many reasons.

I cannot lie that I hoped since we both lost so much this year, so much, so close, that we would be blessed with the ultimate of blessings. I was convinced that since God had chosen to take two loved ones in such a short time, that it could only mean that our loss would be filled with the love of a child. Our child. We have tried to fill the loss, longing, and emptiness we feel with other activities, other vices. In some ways the longing and hurt has driven us apart, if even just a little, in other ways it has pulled us to eachother. Pulled us closer than ever.

It's a comfort to me to know that he understands. He truly understands the loss that I feel, the longings I have, the emptiness I feel in my heart. I would gladly and truly give up anything I have, or could have, for a child. I know that someday my sadness and hurt will turn to joy and eternal elation, but for now, I smile and try not to be sad when I see the families in cards that we receive each day.

This year we also celebrated our newest nephew's first Christmas. Little Toryn was born to Sparky's brother and his wife last January. What a way to start the new year! He is such a blessing. A healthy little reminder of all that is good in the world. He is happy, and smiley, and active and so, so loving. He's a ham, who loves the attention he receives in bushels from his doting parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.

Merry Christmas, whether it be your first, or your last. Know that God is good, and love surrounds you.

Sad, sad news

It's Christmas. A time of miracles. A time that's supposed to be infinitely happy. But today we lost. Our dear Aunt Judy. Godspeed. Peace. And so much love we send with you. May you feel no more pain. We will cherish our memories with you forever. Rest in peace.

Baby It's Cold Outside

Brrrrrrrr! It's -5 and falling down, down, down. It's been colder already this year, but with the powder lying in mounds on the ground, it seems colder. The temperatures are supposed to be rising, let's hope. Those as the temps rise that usually means the snowbanks do as well.

We're projected inches of ivory fluff come Friday. I'm all for a white Christmas, but a little less would be nice. We're hoping to get to South Dakota to see Grandma before we go. She doesn't know we're moving. It feels selfish, but with her memory fading and her worries growing, it's really for the best if she thinks we're right here.

Stay warm & cozy! Curl up with a good book, and a nice cup of hot chocolate.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Happy Holidays! This is the view from my front door. Picturesque, isn't it? It's beautiful in the summer and winter months. I love it. This photo was actually taken about this time last year, but it looks the same today, with possibly a dab more snow. It's snowing now, and if it wasn't dark I'd prove it. However, my cheap little snapshot camera wouldn't do the fluffy whiteness any justice. So you'll have to settle for this.

I may be a little crazy, but since we can't have any decorations up this year, since we're moving 5 days after Christmas and all, I am pleased that we at least have snow to make it feel more Christmas-y. I'll take it.

Usually my favorite thing to do is sit with all the lights off in the house with just the glow of twinkling tree lights and the soft strains of Silent Night drifting on the brisk winter air. There's nothing like twinkling and glowing to set the mood for remembering and pondering. My mom used to love it too, so she indulged us as often as possible. I remember one night sneaking out and laying beneath the tree. I think Mom caught me and sent me back to bed, but I could have stayed there all night long. I love Christmas and everything it stands for.

Hoping you and yours are warm, safe and have much to be thankful for this Christmas. Happy Holidays!

Babies, Babies and More Babies...

Sometimes I wonder if I ever have a thought that doesn't begin with the words..."when we have kids". It's never "if", and always "when". Sparky's the same way. With moving, and everything else that's going on in my world, I don't have as much time to sit around and ponder parenthood. But it's always there, that niggling thought.

Tonight CBS regaled us with the annual installment of Frosty The Snowman, and other such holiday classics. It's hard to believe that these are the same holiday specials that have been running since we were kids! Oh how I loved them then, and LOVE them now.

As we were running around vacuuming up the legions of dead bugs that accumulate in our house every fall, we took a couple minutes to just sit down and talk. It seems like lately we only talk in passing. There's always one more thing to do, one more place to run, or one more person to answer to. So, we sat. It was only about 15 minutes, but I think we said more in those 15 minutes than in the week we just left behind.

We talked about traditions of Christmases past, those we'd like to keep, those we'd like to do away with, and most importantly, those we'd like to start. For our family. Some day. Christmas is just such a special time of the year. It brings forth feelings of love, charity and generosity for all mankind. As a Christian I always feel closer to God and His Son at this time of year, for obvious reasons.

I'm scared. Truly afraid that I won't know what it's like to watch my child's face light up at the discovery of their stocking on Christmas morn, to hear my children's voices risen in song at the front of our church, or to feel their little kisses on my cheek. I guess I'm fortunate though, that fear makes me more strongwilled and bullheaded.

Is it possible to miss someone you've never even met?

Is it too early for New Year's Resolutions?

I'm not sure if it's a resolution, or more a goal. But my goal is to become a parent (or come closer to becoming a parent) in 2009. I may not get here as often as I'd like in the coming weeks, because we're moving. But I'll try to update as often as possible.

Babies are always on my brain. What's on yours?

Happy Holidays!

More Loss

I don't claim to be an overly patient person. I never have been. It's a virtue I hope improves with age. We'll see.

Tonight I lost a friend. Lost in the sense of no longer friends, not an untimely death. It makes me incredibly sad. I will miss her, but not the frustration that always seemed present in our relationship. It may not be true, but I sincerely feel that I gave more. Not in earthly possessions, that doesn't mean anything. I gave more of myself. Me. The only true thing I have to give. And I just don't feel that I got that in return.

I believe that friendship is about sharing. I don't trust easily, I just don't, I've been used a lot. But I gave, and I trusted, and I was duped. Again. And I'm also sure that I was partly to blame. Maybe I didn't try hard enough, maybe she didn't feel valued enough, for some reason she couldn't trust me to support her, care about her, share with her.

For her I wish her happiness. That's all I've ever wanted for her. But I'm done. I have to be. It hurts too much to be used.

A long and winding road...

So, I would like to say that with everything else on our plates we haven't had time to think about babies. This is so, so, so astronomically untrue. Our feelings of loss always escalate this time of year. We should be out shopping, taking pics of our little ones (not so tiny by now if it had happened) with Santa, at church Christmas programs, and various other seasonal joys. This year we don't have a tree because of the move, however, we didn't have one last year either. I just couldn't find a reason to celebrate.

Of course along with our moving plans we get the "oh, how exciting" or "how daring", and then the slap in the face "well, at least you don't have kids to worry about", or some variation of possibly the dumbest, most insensitive thing people can say. Um, you know me, It's been 8 years, 7 months since we decided to start our family. 8 freakin' years. Almost 9. I'd much rather have the "inconvenience" of children. I know that I shouldn't take it so personally, they're only trying to be excited and supportive, but it hurts, it sucks, and it always takes my breath away and leaves me momentarily speachless.

So many people in our lives are obsessed with perfection. The perfect child at the perfect moment in the perfect situation. Are you kidding? Have you learned nothing from our experience? Perfection does not exist. Does. Not. Exist. Not for me anyway. But in all of this, I am sure, scratch that, Iam POSITIVE that our perfect, sweet, adorable baby is waiting for just the right moment. Dear God, please let it be soon.