Pity Party

If you really don't want to hear me bitch and complain, I suggest you come back another day. I'm having a pity party, and while I tried to fight it off, it didn't work. I'm embracing it, going with it, and hopefully, just hopefully if I blog it out of my head, I'll be able to move on. That is my most sincere hope.

I try hard not to let all this get me down. I KNOW that things could be worse. I could have some horrid, painful disease, and that would be worse. But darn it. I'm tired of being sick, and so sick of being tired. I know it's cliche', but it's truly how I feel.

Most days I can accept that this is my life. It has been for many, many years now. But today, I don't want it to be anymore. I want to feel good, without the war of medication inside my body, I want to plan to have a baby, and have it happen. Just once. I don't want to be obese, and I'm tired of people looking at me and judging me by my weight.

The meds are working, I guess. The iron binds me up, and the met has the opposite effect. So I'm never really sure where I stand. Some times I'm fine, depending on what I eat, and I try to watch my carb/starch/sugar intake, so I don't get light-headed or headaches, or worse, the diarrhea. It's a no-win situation.

In other happy news the birth control pills are semi-working. I'm having break-through bleeding, so even though I don't have my "period" I'm still wearing a pad. Everyday. Ugh. In addition to the spotting/bleeding, I get moderate-severe cramps every afternoon about 2 p.m. into the evening. It's just a real joy.

I also confess that I have yet to start the phenteramine. Frankly, I'm afraid to. I know what to expect of the other medications, but how do I know with this one. Will it make me feel better? worse? Nothing at all? I have no idea. But today is the day. I need to set aside my fear, anxiety, maybe stubborn resistance? And just do it. As that infamous commercial says.

My hope is to one day, and hopefully in the near future, feel well enough, strong enough to do it without medications. To find a lifestyle, a new type of living, that helps me and my body have a normal life without side effects.

Hoping your day is happy...