Have a Spooktacular Day!

It's shortly after midnight and I just couldn't wait a minute longer. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! I love this day. It's a good excuse for grown ups to dress up silly, or spooky, or sleezy, or not at all. It's your choice. Today I'm going as Dr. Ima Hack. :) Or maybe it's R.U. Stoopid, M.D. Either way, it's gotta be GRated during the day. At night my alter ego R.U. Wett, M.D. will make her appearance. Actually I think I'll trash that name and goes as the Love Doctor. What am I supplying? Funny you should ask. Condoms, candy and mini tubes of flavored lube. Sound like fun? Aw heck. My outfit is uber tame and frankly, sometimes I just wanna let my hair down and have a little fun.

I'm also planning to do some haunting on my friend and neighbor. And maybe BOO somebody too! You never can tell! Could it be you? Mwahahahahaa!

Happy Haunting!

Ready, ready, ready to run!!

So, a friend, ex co-worker, acquaintance (?) came out and fixed my computer tonight. I was having issues running Microsoft Office. Success was accomplished and I am up and running! The cost? Dinner. I made a fabulous lasagna, salad and bread. He was happy, I was happy. And now, I can work. Work, work, play and work. lol.

So, now I'm busy working on my resume. A boring snoozefet one for Word users, and a snazzy publisher one for those who can open a pdf. Lol. Rock out with your cock out. Wait, does that apply? lol. I don't think so, but I'm so ready to get this up and moving. MOVING. Let's roll.

Next on the agenda is researching networking goods and getting my name and occupation out there. I don't know how much more I can handle right now. But I'm trying to get all my ducks in a row so that I will actually have work and income when we arrive in Alaska. Woot!'

Tomorrow we have the unpleasant task of telling our landlords and friends that we'll be moving. The problem is that we're breaking our lease, in the dead of winter. We'll see how that goes. We're going to try to offer to pay rent as long as possible, but I'm not made of endless money, especially without a job, so we'll see how it goes. Yikes.

Anyway, despite this horrid headache, nasty cold and the added stress, I'm great!! lol.

It just keeps getting harder

I know it's silly getting attached to things. They are, after all, just things. However, after you've worked and toiled and worked some more to have something of your own in this world, it's hard to let it ALL go. On top of that my Woobs is going too. We just can't make her travel 3000+ miles. It wouldn't be fair. To her. But it breaks my heart.

Tonight we sold our ATV. We've only owned it for a bit over a year. But it's been a long time coming. Our first toy. And now, it's gone. Ugh. It's hard to sell off your stuff and put it all away. It's harder to sell it to friends, and watch bits and pieces of your life disappear. In your heart you know it's just, stuff. It's all replaceable. But in the end, it truly is a piece of our lives. And as much as it may not make sense, it's hard to part with every single thing you own.

In time we'll move forward and look back at all of this and laugh. I'm sure of it now. But right now it feels raw and real and painful. And even as I type I laugh and think what nonsense this all is.

Now, next task. Finding a place to live...

Sometimes it just needs to come out.

Okay, so. It's craziness here in our life right now. I'm not complaining, I do my best work when things are nuts. But sometimes keeping it all locked up is really, really hard. You see, I'm not a secret keeping person. I don't believe in them. It causes problems. I prefer to be up there and out there. Line. Toed. So, that makes keeping our moving plans close to heart, painful.

Our landlords are our good friends. And we have a lease. So, now I need to ask to break the lease and it's difficult. I have every intention of making it easy for them, and doing right by them. However, I know they'll be hurt, and angry and that bothers me. On top of that, her grandma passed as I talked about here. And so, it's all so much for them to handle. I feel guilty. And sad. And scared. I just don't want it to hurt our friendship. I truly appreciate them, and all that they have done for us. I'm afraid that they'll feel that we're taking advantage of our friendship. It's just bad timing, and what we have to do for our family. I'm not sure they'll "hear" that.

My job. They know Sparky was going to head up for the temp job. They don't know that temp job is no longer on the horizon, and that he's just accepted the permanent job. They know that he'll be going in January, but not me. It's not a great time for me to leave. But I must. And so I'm feeling guilt and stress with that.

It's all sitting on my shoulders. The pressure. The stress. I feel that I should be in a place to feel excited about our move, but I'm not. I'm just feeling that everyone is disappointed. I just want support, and understanding, and I don't get much of that. Okay, done whining now. lol.

Ups and Downs and Bumps in the Road

Well, it's been a while since I've been here. I've been busy. Swamped actually. We've started the purge. We've rented a storage unit and we're preparing to fill it to the brim. I've been giving stuff away, planning to pack, cleaning out and dividing it up. And it feels so, so good.

On many other notes, it's been a pretty crappy week. Sparky's aunt Judy has been given 2 months to live. Cancer. Damn cancer. She's sweet, and strong, and she's not giving up the fight. We're saddened, and hopeful, after all, miracles do happen every day, right? Please pray.

My friend Cindy's Gram passed last week. They laid her to rest on Monday a.m. I know that Grams has found peace, and she's dancing in the arms of her beloved husband. But I know the pain, the grief and the loss is there amongst her family. Grams was a very special lady, and she had a very special bond with Cindy and Indy. She will be missed, and so fondly and lovingly remembered. Rest in peace Gladys.

So, I may have found a potential place for us to live in Alaska. It's, um, not exactly what I was hoping for, but it has promise. Is that the word? Um, yeah, promise. So, it's food for thought. The price is right, they would allow my dog, and it's cleanable. We'll see. We'll wait and see. But, honestly, we want to keep the rent low, as heating and living is costly. And well, I'm going to be jobless. JOBLESS. Do you understand? Without job. No income. Of my own. OMG. It's been a long time since I've been jobless. Long time. But I plan to work. As a virtual assistant, from home. And hopefully go to school.

My friend Tammy, at a new blogspot that I do not yet know the name of, has challenged me. She picked it up from some brilliant lady bloggers (which I'll find and reference) and anyway, she's challenged me to document my life in one photo per day, for 365 days. GAME ON!! So, I'll be picking a start date and getting ready to go!

Nutty...Batty...Insane...Crazy...

A little bit of humor at a not-so-humerous time.

My friend and neighbor Cindy has been having a rough couple of weeks. Her grandma is passing, and it's sad. When visiting her grandma at the hospital they learned that Grams had been moved to the psychiatric wing of the hospital due to renovations on her previous accomodations. So, Cindy and Indy (her service dog) made their way to the 4th floor to find Grams. As they were visiting, the cell phone of Cindy's sister began to ring. Being the person she is, Cindy decided that she should deliver the phone to the family room where her mom and sister were taking a break.

Cindy reaches down and attaches the leash to Indy's collar. Off they go, ringing phone in hand. She holds the leash tight against her body with both hands, as to keep Indy close at hand. They arrive, they deliver and they march back down the hall toward Grams room. About 20 feet from Grams doorway a nice nurse greets Cindy, as she bends down towards the end of the leash she looks up at Cindy and says in a sing-songy voice "is there a dog on here?" Cindy looks at her with confusion evident in the crinkled place between her eyes. She looks down to her side only to discover that Indy is NOT there. Gone. Cindy glances up in panic, surely she's not crazy, and insists that there really is a dog. The nurse follows her back to Grams room, where Indy is perched next to Grams waiting patiently for Cindy's return.

Grams (supposedly on her death bed) peers out through one squinty eye and says "she's been here all along."

I wonder who felt more ridiculous...the nurse or Cindy? lol.

Hoping you got as much of a chuckle as I. Although I will admit, it was more than a chuckle. I cried.

I'm It

Melissa at Full Circle tagged me. What I'm supposed to do is tell you 6 unknown things about me, and then tag 6 other bloggers. However, my following is small, and since Melissa sent it to me, and she in turn tagged Amber at Crazy Bloggin' Canuck, my only other loyal bloggie follower. I'm shit out of luck! Check out their blogs for their thrilling dislcosures!

1. When I was between the ages of 8 my most frequent, fervent dream was to marry Bo Duke. Of course, age wasn't a factor then...

2. If life had been different, I would have hoped to have had 4 children. I've always wanted a large family.

3. I want to own one pair of Christian Laboutin's in my lifetime. Just one.

4. I haven't shared my blog with many of my IRL friends. Only one. Maybe it's time to go public!

5. I'm not a very patient person. This of course would have been an issue if I had indeed has those four children.

6. I LOVE HOCKEY!! I love the agility of the players, the constant go, and just the brute force needed to get that little puck in the net!

Phew. I'm an open book, so it's rare to have something about me that's unknown. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. Happy Fall!

Rocky Mountain High

Two of the best years of my life were spent in Colorado. I loved it there. LOVED it. There are many reasons for my love for Fort Collins and Colorado. The mountains alone could cause me to write post after post of gushing sentiments. But Colorado is where Sparky and I became a family. Where he realized his desire to be a father, and where our dreams were inevitably shattered. And when things got hard, we ran. We ran back "home". And we've regretted it ever since.

We tried. We really did try to make "home" our home. But it's not. Minnesota is toxic for us. Not because it isn't beautiful, not because there isn't opportunity, or medical care, um, we do have the Mayo clinic people. Kings and Queens have been treated there. But it's just not right. And how do you explain this to your family, your friends that have made their homes here? You just don't. Because sometimes you just can't explain it all.

Yesterday I heard from my good friend Kristin. Long distance and families, and lives, and schedules have made it difficult to keep in touch as much as we'd like. But I still miss her. Everyday. It's been five years since we drove out of Colorado and I'm afraid to go back. Why? Because I know if I do, I will NEVER come back here. I miss Horsetooth Reservoir and the park we used to hike nearly daily there, I miss our old neighborhood where we'd take our 9 p.m. walk every single night, I miss my job. I had the BEST job there. And I loved it. I miss my independence, my freedom, the healthy, busy lifestyle. I miss golf on Christmas Eve and renting a limo with friends to view the Christmas lights. I miss our friends, the opportunity, the SUN, camping up Poudre canyon, Red Feather Lakes, our drives to tip top of the mountains. I miss the elk, and Estes and...see what I mean? I miss it all!

In my opinion, John Denver was a genius. I miss my Rocky Mountain High...

I'm still here

I haven't forgotten, I'm just feeling really overwhelmed with everything going on right now. My head is spinning. There are passports to be applied for, and rushed, and just mountains and mountains of things to think about. I need to find a place to live...with the dog...and find out how to make money, and....oy. I'll be back another day when I'm not quite so whiny, and I have something intelligent to say. Happy day!

Fall Fun

There's not much time left to enjoy our last fall in Minnesota. At least for awhile. Enjoy the view! This is our favorite time of year...

Hunky Hubby took me on a Sunday ride along the river

Mud rollin' sneaky kitty

My sweet retrieving girl.

Finally some color!

Fattening the Koi and Goldfish up for the winter freeze

Relationships

I apologize in advance. This is going to be a very long post. Very long.

A life is built around relationships. Many layers. Like making a lasagna. The first bond, the most elemental is that of a child and her mother. As we grow our entire lives are formed around the world that our mothers create for us. My childhood was great. Safe and nurturing. Idyllic really. And then I grew up.

My greatest crime in life was becoming my father's daughter. My mom and I have always had a rocky relationship. My dad and I have always been close. And just because my mom and I don't see eye to eye all the time, or let's face it, on much. That doesn't mean we don't love each other. We've had our highs, and a lot of lows, but in the end, I love her. Maybe more because of all our differences.

As we've aged, my relationships with my brothers have changed as well. This is a little more complicated. My younger brother, The Law, and I have always remained close. Part of that is care and interest on both sides, and part of that is just because. I think the two of us are a little more laid back. Or a little more forgiving. Then there's my older brother. The Stubborn One (TSO). TSO and I didn't like each other in high school, after he graduated we became very close. Then he met The Accountant. I was not her biggest fan. And then I got to know her. She became my sister, and they've been married for 15 years. Now, the point. TSO won't speak to me. I really don't have any idea why. None. I'm clueless. Dad tells me that it's because of a conversation he had with Sparky (my hubby) 4 years ago. Yes, I did say 4 years ago. So, I guess I'm just collateral damage in that relationship. I've tried reaching out. Phone calls, emails, emails, emails, but TSO's not interested in talking. So, I'll wait. I miss him though. I really do. I hope someday, soon, we'll be able to mend the damage that's been done.

Now, on to the real reason for my post. Relationships of all kinds. In some relationships you're an equal partner, in others, you give more, or they give more. About 2 years ago I decided that I'm wasn't going to be that friend. "That Friend" being the person who gives endlessly without getting anything in return. I've done that in a lot of relationships. In the end, I'm always the one that ends up with the hurt feelings.

This approach is great in theory. However, I have let some good friendships go because of it. In some ways, I'm bothered by that. I don't know what I want, closure maybe? I'm not sure. I'm always sad when a friendship ends. I'm loyal. Like a damn dog. Seriously. Really. Probably to a fault. But I take my relationships seriously. I believe in maintaining friendships. Nurturing them. Some of the people in my life don't feel the same way. So, at some point I just have to let go. Then I feel bad, like I'm the one that them down.

There's one friendship in particular that bothers me. I don't know why it ended. She was busy, so was I. I think we were both okay with that. I enjoyed her friendship. I enjoyed the time we were able to have with eachother. It was easy. Relaxed. Fun. And then...I don't know what happened.

Because life got in the way, our friendship ended. I feel badly about that. I don't know how to fix it. And sometimes I wish I could just know if she felt the same way. We have a mutual friend/acquaintance that plays a role, I'm certain. She took my friendship, twisted it up, and then stomped on it. She hurt me, the way friends should never hurt friends. She was a reason that I was initially okay with this other friendship going to the wayside. But now I realize that fear was talking. I don't like to be hurt. I don't like when people use my life against me. And I'm sorry that I ever trusted her or let her in. So now, instead of defending a good friendship. I let it go. But then again...so did she.

I value my friends. I have great friends. We all have different lives, different backgrounds, and different ideas of the perfect life. What we share is a love for life, laughter, and occasionally, some heavy drinking. lol. I may not have time to incorporate all my friends in my daily life, but I find ways to let them know they're valued, and so do they. My friends are smart, confident, caring women. Thank you to all my real friends. For finding time for me.

A perfect autumn day

Today was a glorious day in Southern Minnesota. Just beautiful. Since tomorrow we are predicted rain I decided that it would be a great idea to skip cleaning the house and run away to enjoy the day. That is EXACTLY what we did. We started the morning with a walk in the woods. Just me, Ches and Sparky.

After our walk in the woods we checked the status of our deer eaten beets and swiss chard. Thankfully we'll still have beets, they only nibbled the tops off. Once the damage was assessed we meandered back to the house where I prepared breakfast. We showered, let Ches do a little fishing in the back pond, and let the cat out to hunt and roam. Luckily the only thing she "hunted" was the already-deceased bird on the side of the house.

Once we were showered and primped we headed to the outlet mall to buy warm things for our Alaska endeavor. It doesn't seem real to me yet. What's even more frightening is that our Alaska summers will feel more like Minnesota autumns, then true muggy Minnesota summers. And strangely, this excites me.

I love autumn in Minnesota. The weather cools, the humidity falls, and for a brief moment of time I get to experience some good hair moments. lol. Sweatshirts and jeans are my most comfortable wardrobe. Before the leaves vacate the trees completely, and the tree tops look like they're on fire. The shades of yellow, orange and red. The air smells crisp and clean. In the distance you can hear the gaggles of geese calling and they fly in a perfect V formation overhead just skimming the tops of the highest tree.

The above photo is an actual photo of autumn in Minnesota. It's not taken here, but along the North Shore near Duluth. Isn't it glorious?

Cha-cha-changes

It seems that everything in our world is changing right now. So, I say to myself, why not do a major extreme makeover on my ass. Why not? Life's short. Live fully or not at all. Enter change #752. Actually, I don't mind at all. It's really been a long time coming, and it's not something that I'm going to do to totally shock my body. I need to ease into it.

I will also, eventually, have to start my meds. Metformin. 2000mg daily is the goal. I will start with 500 mg working up to the desired amount. So, what's the problem? Well, let's see, it makes me, um, really, um, sick. Let's just leave it there. It will eventually (supposedly) make me feel better but initially it makes me feel like shit. Pure shit. No pun intended. lol.

In my opinion a large, perhaps the largest part of the infertility game is mental. It's hard. It's tiring. No, tiring is NOT the word, exhausting. It is EXHAUSTING. For me, it's the one thing that makes me put all my cards in, or out, at one time. It's just so hard to overcome. That's when the anger, resentment and self-pity come in. However, as a woman who wants a child/ren, I don't feel that I can let this rest until I do my best to become pregnant.

After that if it doesn't happen then I will happily run towards the nearest adoption agency. I really don't know what it is, but I feel I'm destined to adopt. I know, sounds strange, but don't you dare judge it until you've lived it. I feel that at least part of my family will be built through adoption. I'm really excited about that.

So, as I sit here waiting for sleep to grab hold, sipping my raspberry zinger tea with soymilk, I know that someday (hopefully soon) I'll be yearning for these days as I nurse an infant, comfort a toddler, scold a pre-teen...I can't wait.