Relationships

I apologize in advance. This is going to be a very long post. Very long.

A life is built around relationships. Many layers. Like making a lasagna. The first bond, the most elemental is that of a child and her mother. As we grow our entire lives are formed around the world that our mothers create for us. My childhood was great. Safe and nurturing. Idyllic really. And then I grew up.

My greatest crime in life was becoming my father's daughter. My mom and I have always had a rocky relationship. My dad and I have always been close. And just because my mom and I don't see eye to eye all the time, or let's face it, on much. That doesn't mean we don't love each other. We've had our highs, and a lot of lows, but in the end, I love her. Maybe more because of all our differences.

As we've aged, my relationships with my brothers have changed as well. This is a little more complicated. My younger brother, The Law, and I have always remained close. Part of that is care and interest on both sides, and part of that is just because. I think the two of us are a little more laid back. Or a little more forgiving. Then there's my older brother. The Stubborn One (TSO). TSO and I didn't like each other in high school, after he graduated we became very close. Then he met The Accountant. I was not her biggest fan. And then I got to know her. She became my sister, and they've been married for 15 years. Now, the point. TSO won't speak to me. I really don't have any idea why. None. I'm clueless. Dad tells me that it's because of a conversation he had with Sparky (my hubby) 4 years ago. Yes, I did say 4 years ago. So, I guess I'm just collateral damage in that relationship. I've tried reaching out. Phone calls, emails, emails, emails, but TSO's not interested in talking. So, I'll wait. I miss him though. I really do. I hope someday, soon, we'll be able to mend the damage that's been done.

Now, on to the real reason for my post. Relationships of all kinds. In some relationships you're an equal partner, in others, you give more, or they give more. About 2 years ago I decided that I'm wasn't going to be that friend. "That Friend" being the person who gives endlessly without getting anything in return. I've done that in a lot of relationships. In the end, I'm always the one that ends up with the hurt feelings.

This approach is great in theory. However, I have let some good friendships go because of it. In some ways, I'm bothered by that. I don't know what I want, closure maybe? I'm not sure. I'm always sad when a friendship ends. I'm loyal. Like a damn dog. Seriously. Really. Probably to a fault. But I take my relationships seriously. I believe in maintaining friendships. Nurturing them. Some of the people in my life don't feel the same way. So, at some point I just have to let go. Then I feel bad, like I'm the one that them down.

There's one friendship in particular that bothers me. I don't know why it ended. She was busy, so was I. I think we were both okay with that. I enjoyed her friendship. I enjoyed the time we were able to have with eachother. It was easy. Relaxed. Fun. And then...I don't know what happened.

Because life got in the way, our friendship ended. I feel badly about that. I don't know how to fix it. And sometimes I wish I could just know if she felt the same way. We have a mutual friend/acquaintance that plays a role, I'm certain. She took my friendship, twisted it up, and then stomped on it. She hurt me, the way friends should never hurt friends. She was a reason that I was initially okay with this other friendship going to the wayside. But now I realize that fear was talking. I don't like to be hurt. I don't like when people use my life against me. And I'm sorry that I ever trusted her or let her in. So now, instead of defending a good friendship. I let it go. But then again...so did she.

I value my friends. I have great friends. We all have different lives, different backgrounds, and different ideas of the perfect life. What we share is a love for life, laughter, and occasionally, some heavy drinking. lol. I may not have time to incorporate all my friends in my daily life, but I find ways to let them know they're valued, and so do they. My friends are smart, confident, caring women. Thank you to all my real friends. For finding time for me.