So much more than missing a child

I wish that I could put into words all the issues that come along with infertility. Infertility, the battle, the journey, is so much more than just missing a child. Infertility takes a toll on most marriages. Some marriages survive, others don't. I would like to hope, and I often pray, that ours will survive it.

No, we aren't getting divorced. But infertility has taken its toll. We both, at varying times, feel unsure about our future as a family. Some days it's easier, some days it's harder. There are so many other feelings that lie in the hearts and minds of infertile couples. We have to deal with feelings of hurt, loss and resentment. Are they unfounded? No, not entirely.

For me, I think the fact that they are valid is harder to deal with than the actual feelings themselves. I cannot speak for Sparky, but I know that sometimes he gets angry, for seemingly no reason, but under the anger is fear, and hurt, and resentment. And why shouldn't he feel those things? He could go out, find a new partner, and have as many little Sparky's as he has time and money for. I can't. Therefore, I have the same feelings. Probably in a slightly different order, and for slightly different reasons.

Sometimes I even feel like he should. When he promised to love me he didn't know that I was defective. If the tables were turned would I feel differently? I'm pretty sure that my emotions and feelings would run along the same lines as his.

Like most married couples we have good days and bad days. Some are better than others, some are worse. When you layer the infertility with it, it becomes much harder to come upon the real issue. Sometimes I become way too upset about the jelly being left on the counter, or his underwear in the corner of the bathroom. No, it's not about the jelly or his unders, but at the moment it's the only thing I can focus on.

Right now we have a lot of new things in our lives. A new home, a new job, in a new state. We are far, far away from those we love and count on. Sometimes I think it's good, and other times I worry that we might need some space from the feelings and the issues that we cannot ignore.

I know we'll be fine. How? Because we both care, and we both try to communicate the feelings we are having to eachother. We care enough to be concerned by them, to pray about them, and do something about them. I know that he loves me. If he didn't he wouldn't be here. I know that I love him, well, because I know myself better than anyone else.

We talk, and we sometalks "discuss" too loudly. But no one said marriage, let alone marriage with infertility, was perfect and clean. Sometimes it's messy, sometimes it's great, and sometimes it just is.