Sorry...I'm on an internet hiatus

April will mark our 9th year of trying to conceive. Of course, at this point trying to conceive (TTC) means not being on birth control, and just hoping and praying that it might happen, maybe. Actually I rarely buy pregnancy tests anymore. I know that it will be negative, so why bother?
TTC has moved to long discussions about what and where to go next. We have all but decided to adopt. We have thought about, researched, and talked about adoption for a long time. Our issue, if that’s the correct wording, is not with our attitude towards adoption, but with agencies and they’re desire for infertile couples to not continue to TTC after the adoption process has been started.
Now, don’t get me wrong. We aren’t doing any treatments. They wouldn’t result in anything at this point anyway. We know that we don’t want to do in vitro, it’s just not right for us. Having a bio child isn’t that important to us. However, I don’t know if I’m ready to promise someone that I won’t change my mind. And just because we don’t prevent pregnancy, doesn’t mean that it will ever happen for us.
As an adoptive parent we will go through a lot of scrutiny. Mentally it makes every bit of sense in the world, emotionally it’s very, very difficult. As a woman that has survived IF, or hopes to survive IF, I feel judged every day. Most people assume that we don’t want children, others try to be encouraging with the just adopt then you’ll get pregnant mentality. Now with the pursuit of adoption I will have my life, my marriage, my mental status, my finances, my world examined.
I know that the choices and decisions that the birth parents will make are very difficult. I cannot fathom how excruciating it must be to know that the best decision is likely the hardest one they’ll have to make in their lifetime. How do you look at a piece of paper and choose a person/couple to hand your child’s life over too? So, I know that their portion of the process isn’t easy either. Most likely they have already felt judged, and shameful, though I hope that they would have loving, supportive people in their lives.
Now that Sparky and I have been going through all of this, we’re older. We face scrutiny and judgement in that alone. Most days I really don’t care, honestly. Then other days someone will make a completely innocent remark and I feel judged and beaten up emotionally. There are people who have tried longer, cried longer, and been older. But this is all I know.