Chug, Chug, Chug

We continue to chug upward and onward. Hopefully things will continue to fall into place, but if not I think I'm prepared for that. I think. Ha!

Well, since making the decision, we have both been relieved and happy. The position that I had a head's up on has opened up, and I applied promptly, but I'm sure there will be many others who also applied. It's with the same company as Sparky, so that would be great. And we found out that his company does offer adoption support, so that's a double bonus. I need to get out the manual today to figure out some numbers, but that really is wonderful. I'm super excited about it.

Next item on the list is finding a new place to live. Well, technically we've found the place, it's just to figure out if we can make it work once our lease here is done. We may have a couple months of difference between the end of this lease, and the the availability of the house. But we'll see what happens. Maybe it will work, maybe not. Our only complaint here is the lack of space. Other than that, we like it here, so we'll see what happens.

Spring is springing here, and it's been great. I think the sun has helped me maintain a positive attitude, well, that and the excitement. Have I mentioned that I'm excited? lol. Anyway, there are still some questions we need answered, in terms of agencies, but other than that we're just chugging forward.

Have a happy day!

Weight Lifted

I have been feeling great today. The ups and downs of infertility have been hard the last few months, probably because I have nothing else to think about. Seriously. Very few other things cross my mind. It's sad, really. But when you've wanted something so long, it's hard to file it away. When I was working, spending time with friends, I had other outlets for it. Now, I'm just sitting, waiting for life to happen.

Today was great. I feel like all doubt is lifted, though I'm sure those thoughts will come back at some point, but knowing that Sparky and I are on the same page and moving forward is great. Truly great. I know that there will be tough days, tough waits ahead, but at this point in time, I really feel like I could conquer anything.

I wonder now what it will feel like to go through the steps. The first will be picking an agency. I have a very strong idea of which agency we'll choose here, because, well, there aren't as many choices here. And this agency has a fairly good reputation so far. Also there counseling services are second to none. That's very important to me.

So, tonight I plan to lay my head down, and have some very, very sweet dreams!

Signs in the Goofiest Places

Sometimes you find messages in the most unexpected places. Let me explain.

Sparky and I talk about adoption and building our family very often. I have known for a couple years now that adoption was in our future at some point. But tonight, we finally sat and just talked about it. Our hopes, our dreams and how to proceed.

In the past I was bothered by logistics and things beyond my control. It wasn’t until someone pointed out that ultimately what comes next is our decision. Within our control. I don’t know why hearing it that day made a difference, but it really brought things into focus for both of us.

Today we knew that we will move forward with adoption as soon as possible. All I need now is a job. I cannot even begin to explain how excited we both are. I mean really, finally our dreams of becoming parents will come to fruition. It’s been a long journey, but we’re both ready for it.

Now, the message. Where did it come from? Sex in the City, The Movie. Who knew? I guess it’s just how it’s meant to be sometimes. Kind of crazy.

Here’s hoping all your dreams come true!

Sometimes Life is Unfair

18 Kids and Counting?

Have you seen this show? It’s a reality TV show on Discovery Health featuring the Duggar family. They are a wholesome, Christian family continually adding to their brood. I have no issues with them, truly I don’t. However, I just can’t help but wonder at the unfairness of the world. This one family is able to have 18+ healthy, beautiful children. Couldn’t just one or two of them be for me? Really.

Tonight’s episode focused on their eldest, newly-married son Josh and his wife, Anna. They have been trying to conceive for 4 grueling months. In this episode Anna takes the test and has Josh look for the results. She can’t bear to. It’s too disappointing. Now, I know that in their life 4 months seems like a long time, but OH PUHLEASE. Four months? FOUR MONTHS? Try 9 freakin’ years. Seriously.

Okay, sorry. That was my pity party. They really are a nice couple and I wish them much happiness and a healthy pregnancy. But sometimes life just seems really unfair. All in all, I’m pretty happy with my life. Am I happy that we don’t have children? No. However, not having to move young children 3000 miles is just one of the positives that I can find to the whole situation. Sometimes you just have to focus on the positive.

I generally have a pretty good attitude about it all. However, I started this blog as an outlet for all of my emotions. For some reason I don’t seem to come here when I’m happy and okay about all the infertility business. I seem to write and reflect on the lower periods. You know. When I’m throwing myself a big ole pity party.

I think some of my issues stem around being the middle child. I wanted to be first. At one thing. I know, it’s silly, and as I say it out loud it sounds even more childish than just thinking it. But, it’s how I feel, and I refuse to apologize for that. Truth is, I won’t be first, at anything, but damn it, I can be the best! LOL.

Honestly, at this point in my life I would love for my brothers to make me an aunt. However, I know that in time they will, or won’t, depending on what they want from their lives. I love my niece, and both of my nephews, and they are growing up way too fast. Can you believe my niece graduates next month? It hardly seems possible.

So for now I wait. I wait for my time, for my first. So wait, I will.

Have a happy day!

Gathering

Well, it seems like I have momentarily forgotten that this blog existed. Okay, that's not true, but I haven't had much to update. I'm still unemployed, and since adoption agencies generally like to be paid, that might be an issue. So, I'm hanging out, waiting for the right opportunity.

Right now my days are spent focusing on becoming healthier. We did quite a bit of hiking, and I realized I need to work on my cardio, and weight loss. So, now that little Willie has flew the coop that's my focus.

I wish, every single day, that my fate would change and by some miracle we would get pregnant, or a baby would magically drop into my life, however, reality strikes and it's fine. Sometimes I just get tired of the work that goes into building a family. However, someday my kids will see this, read this and realize how long we've wanted them.

This month notes the 9 year mark. 9 years ago we decided that we wanted a child, we flung ourselves headfirst into babymaking, and started the long, winding road. And while we don't have our long-awaited child, I now see an end in sight to our longing and sadness and cannot wait to start the next portion of our trip.

So, that's where I am. TRYING to wait patiently. However, patience is not something that runs in my family tree. Have you met my father? Or me? Patience is not a word I would use to describe either of us.

Hopefully soon I'll be writing about my great job, and moving forward with choosing an agency, and hopefully some day soon, adding a sweet little bambino to our family tree.

Have a happy day!

Baby, Baby, Baby

Spring is a natural time for babies. Animals, birds, humans. What a lovely time of the year. I don't know what it is about spring that makes it seem like anything is possible. Anything. We are still chugging along on the adoption track. Sparky's co-workers wife (which I may have mentioned in a previous post) works with adoptions in Alaska. What a wonderful resource at our finger tips. The problem? I have yet to meet her! J is out of work on military duty for the next couple weeks, so for now we're just hanging out, waiting for things to shuffle into place.

I watched the most beautiful Adoption Story on the Discovery Channel today. I sometimes am embarassed that it took me so long to see the writing that was there all along. However, I know that it's all about the right child for us and God's timing. It has very little to do with us. Very. Little. Anyway, this story was about a couple in California that adopted twins from foster care. Ziggy and Nola. OMGoodness. They were the cutest little boogers. And it just made my heart leap. It was beautiful from beginning to end and I sobbed through the whole thing.

So, for now we're enjoying spring, and planning for the future. Sometimes I find it hard not to get ahead of myself. But honestly I cannot help it, I have been researching furniture, car seats, diapers, bottles, etc. Like I said, my mind is off to the races!

Happy Spring!

A New Day

It's certainly nice to have something to focus on other than the things that I don't have in my life. While I won't lose the urge to have a child of my own anytime soon, having little Willie around has certainly been nice. He's so fun, and energetic, and I think I've lost weight since he arrived.

Last night we all had a really good night. Tuesday night stunk in our household, Willie did not want to sleep at all. Well, catnaps and then he was back to biting toes, noses and pulling the blankets off. So, last night when Willie passed out hiding under the bed, we took advantage and piled into bed at 8 p.m. We all slept soundly until Wee Willie's bladder beckoned relief at 12:30 and then back to bed until 4:30 a.m. It was glorious, heavenly, fantastic.

I am refreshed, renewed and ready to tackle anything. Well, almost anything. That store with the big Bull's Eye that doesn't have stores in Alaska is getting on my nerves. They sent out their baby sale flyer. I can save over $30 with coupons, on baby stuff, thanks. But really it's fun to look at those chubby cheeks, and all the money I could be saving. Lol.

Have a happy day!

Baby Willie

I would imagine that having a puppy in the house is much like having an infant. No, I don't have to feed him at midnight, but with a teeny, tiny bladder we went out many times during the night. Also, he was all kinds of wound up and didn't want to sleep. Every time I'd drift off he'd pop up and lick/bite me in the nose. But he's super cute.

In many ways I think a human infant might be easier. Diapers. No going outside into the vast wilderness to potty the little devil. Oh, and have I mentioned his penchant for ducking under the porch and playing hide-and-seek at 3 a.m.? Not. So. Amusing. But he's really cute.

Honestly though, I am hopeful and surprised at the amount of patience that I've had with Willie and Ches, and well, I might actually be good at this parenthood thing. I have, however, made a command decision. No puppies. Not until the kids are old enough to help care for them. I cannot even imagine if I had to deal with babies and puppies. YIKES!!!

Have a happy day!

Relaxing

Now that I have put my mind at ease I have been able to just relax and enjoy life. I am expecting the arrival of a baby in my house tonight. That was fast huh? LOL. Actually I have volunteered to puppy sit the most adorable 9 week old black lab puppy. Willy.

For now I am searching for other things to obsess about. I am currently seeking work. We moved a couple months ago, and I was undecided as to what I would do. Now I've decided that while I like spending my days in my sweats and/or pajamas, I also crave human interaction. I would like to talk to someone. Actually speak. So, that's my main objective now.

Plus, the extra funds would be nice to put away and rebuild the savings account. And let's face it, money is necessary for children. They are small, but they require a lot of stuff. Oh, boy. Have I mentioned we live in 750 square feet? Lol. Seriously. It will be just fine and I'm concerned about it in the least.

So for now I'm happy, calm and relaxed about all of it. It's been a long time since I've felt that. I spent a lot of time sad, depressed, numb, and then I just didn't think about it at all. At all. So now I'm happy and relaxed. And relieved. What a lovely feeling.

Have a happy day!