Moms Night Out

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I've been invited out to a Mom's Night Out. Seeing as I'm not a mother I questioned the invitee and she assured me that it's fine and that it's really just a group of women getting together. Honestly, I laughed. At this point I'm so lonely and disconnected that anything will do. So, when it comes about, I'll likely go. I did think that it was slightly ironic though.

We're having a nice weekend, nothing exciting going on right now. Just thought I'd pop in and say Hello.

Happy Day!

Baby Steps...Literally

So today since I had some time on my hands I placed a couple of calls to adoption agencies in our area. Since we're in a new state I have no idea what the laws are, and the second place I called actually answered the phone and is sending us a packet. The packet will go out tomorrow and I'm super excited to get it and just learn more about their agency.

Sparky had a long day at work today, so he was way too exhausted to talk. It's not exactly a light topic of conversation anyway. And he's probably all talked out. I'll just show him the packet when it comes and we'll see what they have to say.

Have a happy day!

I think God is trying to tell me something

Okay, so I try not to read too much into signs, and things like that. I believe that they exist, and sometimes I think He puts them in front of us to help us and guide us. Well, I think that's happening now.

Adoption has been a part of my life forever. One of my best friends growing up was adopted. It was never a huge thing, it's just how it was. It just...was. She and her brother were adopted and I never remember it being some life altering event, or information in our life. Maybe it was for her. I don't know.

As I grew up adoption was all around us. L and her family, my aunt and uncle pondered adoption, now I have friends that built their families through adoption. I'm fortunate to have lived it with them, to learn from them, and to bounce and ask away.

Sparky and I have been considering adoption for years now. Should we, shouldn't we? It seems like a no brainer, I know, but there are so many things to consider. So many. And with infertility there is a whole other level of mental game. It's hard to understand, and harder to explain.

I feel that I have researched and researched, I've joined message boards, and sought out information. Well, now that we're moving closer to making a definite decision, adoption ads, adoptive families, are EVERYWHERE. I think it may be a sign.

So, the moral of this post is that I think it's time for me to return calls, maybe contact some lawyers and agencies and try to decide what the best decision is.

I'm SOOOOOOO excited! :)

Light Me Up

So my last post was kind of a downer. I apologize for that. It's just who we are, and it's not always perfect and pretty. However, today I had a pretty crappy day in life, nothing to do with infertility, but I was cranky and certainly not the happiest picture to come home to.

However, being the great person that he is. The minute he walked in the door he just made me laugh and smile, and we really just enjoyed the rest of the night. Awwww. Sometimes the little, tiny things are the best. It was a happy, happy day.

Being home watching endless episodes of a Baby Story and having much too much time to look at my life and examine it with a fine comb and a microscope is not always a good thing. However, it gives me time to make lists, and look at many angles of every situation. We are growing older. Things have changed, our decisions about children, and how many have changed. But there is always a silver lining, and a rainbow after the rain, and frankly, I'm looking and hoping to find that pot of gold soon.

Sweet Dreams!

So much more than missing a child

I wish that I could put into words all the issues that come along with infertility. Infertility, the battle, the journey, is so much more than just missing a child. Infertility takes a toll on most marriages. Some marriages survive, others don't. I would like to hope, and I often pray, that ours will survive it.

No, we aren't getting divorced. But infertility has taken its toll. We both, at varying times, feel unsure about our future as a family. Some days it's easier, some days it's harder. There are so many other feelings that lie in the hearts and minds of infertile couples. We have to deal with feelings of hurt, loss and resentment. Are they unfounded? No, not entirely.

For me, I think the fact that they are valid is harder to deal with than the actual feelings themselves. I cannot speak for Sparky, but I know that sometimes he gets angry, for seemingly no reason, but under the anger is fear, and hurt, and resentment. And why shouldn't he feel those things? He could go out, find a new partner, and have as many little Sparky's as he has time and money for. I can't. Therefore, I have the same feelings. Probably in a slightly different order, and for slightly different reasons.

Sometimes I even feel like he should. When he promised to love me he didn't know that I was defective. If the tables were turned would I feel differently? I'm pretty sure that my emotions and feelings would run along the same lines as his.

Like most married couples we have good days and bad days. Some are better than others, some are worse. When you layer the infertility with it, it becomes much harder to come upon the real issue. Sometimes I become way too upset about the jelly being left on the counter, or his underwear in the corner of the bathroom. No, it's not about the jelly or his unders, but at the moment it's the only thing I can focus on.

Right now we have a lot of new things in our lives. A new home, a new job, in a new state. We are far, far away from those we love and count on. Sometimes I think it's good, and other times I worry that we might need some space from the feelings and the issues that we cannot ignore.

I know we'll be fine. How? Because we both care, and we both try to communicate the feelings we are having to eachother. We care enough to be concerned by them, to pray about them, and do something about them. I know that he loves me. If he didn't he wouldn't be here. I know that I love him, well, because I know myself better than anyone else.

We talk, and we sometalks "discuss" too loudly. But no one said marriage, let alone marriage with infertility, was perfect and clean. Sometimes it's messy, sometimes it's great, and sometimes it just is.

PCOS

As I’ve posted in previous posts, I have PCOS. I was told by my previous Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) that I have one of the most severe cases of PCOS/insulin resistance that he’s ever seen. Seeing that this man is one of the top RE’s at the Mayo Clinic, it means something to me.

So, what to do? I have to change my life. And while that seems like a simple statement, the magnitude of this life is huge. But it’s literally necessary for me to live. If I don’t I will become a diabetic in a matter of a few years, and I will never, ever be able to think about carrying a bio child. That’s pretty huge.

I won’t lie and say that it wasn’t devastating to hear the first time around. But now that the information has sunk in, it has to become my reality. It’s too important not too. Since my insulin resistance is so severe I will have to modify my diet to never, or never in regular intervals, consume starches.

This of course does not mean that I can survive on bacon and fried eggs for eternity. It means healthy, wholesome lean meats and vegetables. Lots and lots of salad without the heavy dressings. Thankfully, I love veggies and meat. Now that we’re living in Alaska I’m trying to add more fish and seafood to the menu. We’ll see how that goes.

So we’re doing our best to remove certain foods, and significantly reduce other foods that we eat. As a whole, we eat well. We don’t buy processed foods, and we try to keep other fast foods to a minimum. Some how it’s never enough. I have to get more strict in order to start seeing the results I need. But then again, no one said life was easy.

Attitude?

I remember the first time I’d heard of infertility. It was attached to some bizarre family somewhere that birthed a litter of children. I also remember at the time being so sure of myself, so sure that nothing like that would happen to me, and that if, God forbid, I was ever in that position, I would NEVER make the same choices they made.

Now that I’m older, and arguably wiser, I know all too well how personal the infertility journey is. There are so many people in our lives that try very hard to be supportive. But unless you know the pain and the emptiness you cannot possibly have an opinion. This makes it doubly hard to put up a wall against all those well-meaning people who come with advice and advice and more advice. If they only knew how many times the average infertile couple has heard “just relax”, or “go on vacation”, or “just adopt and you’ll get pregnant”.

In recent years, we’ve been fortunate to have infertility come to the forefront. When we first started TTC I felt so alone. Now there are many more women who come forward. There are many more programs on tv, much more information available through the internet, however, it’s also important to remember that each case of infertility is as different as the women/couples that it affects.

I’ve always been very open and comfortable talking about PCOS and the journey we’ve been through. I find, however, that many people are uncomfortable with the topic of infertility so I usually just hang back and then wait for cues from those we meet along the way.
Throughout the journey I’ve learned that Sparky is really much more open about it all. He’ll come home with information and stories of conversations. He feels very free to discuss it with whomever he comes in contact with, which I personally think is wonderful.

I thank God that I live in the times we live in. I would have been distraught and devastated having not known what was wrong. Unexplained infertility has to be even more frustrating than a diagnosis. So I’m fortunate in that we have medical information and advances in our corner.

Sorry...I'm on an internet hiatus

April will mark our 9th year of trying to conceive. Of course, at this point trying to conceive (TTC) means not being on birth control, and just hoping and praying that it might happen, maybe. Actually I rarely buy pregnancy tests anymore. I know that it will be negative, so why bother?
TTC has moved to long discussions about what and where to go next. We have all but decided to adopt. We have thought about, researched, and talked about adoption for a long time. Our issue, if that’s the correct wording, is not with our attitude towards adoption, but with agencies and they’re desire for infertile couples to not continue to TTC after the adoption process has been started.
Now, don’t get me wrong. We aren’t doing any treatments. They wouldn’t result in anything at this point anyway. We know that we don’t want to do in vitro, it’s just not right for us. Having a bio child isn’t that important to us. However, I don’t know if I’m ready to promise someone that I won’t change my mind. And just because we don’t prevent pregnancy, doesn’t mean that it will ever happen for us.
As an adoptive parent we will go through a lot of scrutiny. Mentally it makes every bit of sense in the world, emotionally it’s very, very difficult. As a woman that has survived IF, or hopes to survive IF, I feel judged every day. Most people assume that we don’t want children, others try to be encouraging with the just adopt then you’ll get pregnant mentality. Now with the pursuit of adoption I will have my life, my marriage, my mental status, my finances, my world examined.
I know that the choices and decisions that the birth parents will make are very difficult. I cannot fathom how excruciating it must be to know that the best decision is likely the hardest one they’ll have to make in their lifetime. How do you look at a piece of paper and choose a person/couple to hand your child’s life over too? So, I know that their portion of the process isn’t easy either. Most likely they have already felt judged, and shameful, though I hope that they would have loving, supportive people in their lives.
Now that Sparky and I have been going through all of this, we’re older. We face scrutiny and judgement in that alone. Most days I really don’t care, honestly. Then other days someone will make a completely innocent remark and I feel judged and beaten up emotionally. There are people who have tried longer, cried longer, and been older. But this is all I know.