Possibilities and Disappointments

As the title of the blog suggests, adoption is a roller coaster ride. One minute you're up, the next you're down. Then you're down for a while, and all of sudden you get this amazing facebook message and your entire world changes.

Incidentally, an amazing facebook message is where it started. There were no promises, and in the end, the maybe baby that started it all was not meant to be. Miss Carlee went to Heaven at 22 weeks. She was named by her mother, not by me.

Once we had put that behind us, we moved forward. Only to discover that just because you want something really badly, and can afford it, doesn't mean the process is going to be easy. We are struggling with financing. It's hard. Lending regulations have tightened, and we don't have cash in the ready in the amount we need. So, perseverance is part of the process and we moved forward. I found an agency that does their own financing. Sounds great. But the price tag is about $15,000 MORE than the first agency we chose. Either way. We're confused.

Then Friday came another wonderful facebook message. From a dear friend. Telling us about a 5 yo boy, eligible for adoption. In Minnesota. We're waiting for more information, and praying for guidance. God can give me all the signs he wants, however, my interpretation of them is sometimes off. And when it's not off, I'm freaked out. I'm a girl that likes adventure and yet I'm scared silly!

So, we wait. We pray. And we wait some more...

Perhaps it's not always best to name the post, and then write the post? Perhaps? I don't know. Things are chugging along. Still waiting on a completed homestudy. Brent has his physical next week, I need to check and make sure that the info has come back from my doctor, and then check with our caseworker to find out where we are, and what she still needs from us.

We have fabulous family and friends and they have ALL turned in letters of reference, or phone calls in some cases, and we are so very blessed.

At the moment we are trying to find financing. Not an easy task in the wilds of Alaska without home equity. We have other sources of income, but I'd really like to save those for the purposes they were intended, especially since a child brings the burden of responsibility, care and college. LOL.

In the meantime we are preparing for the future. Maintaining a level of hope and belief and planning a nursery. Who knew that a gender neutral nursery could be such a fear-inducing process. We're excited. We're viewing this as a pregnancy. Our baby may come sooner or later than the average pregnancy, but that's not the point. I know that he/she is out there, just waiting for us, like we're waiting for him/her. For me, that's good enough.

Happy day!

Rolling Up, Up and Up...

Howdy! Greetings from the up side of the adoption rollercoaster. Right now we're in the coast mode. Our home visit was completed, we have a little more paperwork to turn in, and a video to watch and discuss, and then we're good. Well, good to wait.

In the meantime we're writing a profile and a dear birth parent letter. Though with just the two of us we have many pictures of one o the other, but not-so-many pics of the two of us.

Since we're in need of a nice Christmas photo this year, we're hiring my friend Susan to snap our pics. :) EEK!! So excited. The two of us, and the four of us.

Right now spirits are high, we're hopeful and excited. Our caseworker says we may have a completed homestudy as soon as the end of September. So, now it's to get busy with the final steps on our end and pray like crazy.

Happy day!

Adoption Option

Well, we've started. Let me rephrase that, WE'VE STARTED!!! We have half of our homestudy behind us, and the harder, lengthier portion ahead. We met with Lisa at Fairbanks Counseling and Adoption on Friday, July 16th. What a great day! Good appointment, and just really comfortable and relaxed. At this point we aren't planning to sign on with the agency, though they have agreed to show us if they have a birthmother that matches us. So, that's progress.

Lisa will visit our home on Aug 12th for the final portion, and Brent's interview. At this time we need to have some things compiled for the agency so that they can move forward reviewing our backgrounds- criminal, personal, etc- and deciding if we're fit parents. :) So nerve-wrecking and exciting all at once.

Then once the homestudy is complete we need to move forward with the next step which will be deciding which way to go in the adoption. Private, agency, facilitator...etc, etc, etc. For now, I'm just excited. Trying to squelch the planner in me and trying NOT to drive Brent (and everyone else around me) absolutely crazy. Easier said than done, sometimes.

Life is very, very good.

Happy day!

Stigma

I'm a cliche'. Wait, no I'm not. But I feel like a cliche'. I feel like any time I have an emotion other than graciousness and numbness, I'm going to be labeled "that crazy infertile woman". Today is one of those days.

We had a potential birth mother. She's decided to parent. Yes, I knew this might happen. Probably would happen. She has every right. She is the parent. But unfortunately that means I'm not supposed to feel anything but understanding and gratitude that she contacted me. You want the real truth. I'm disappointed. I didn't let myself believe that this was a lock, not by any means. And yes, she's early in her pregnancy, so anything could change. But I'm also not an idiot, and I'm certainly not going to put all my eggs in that basket. Period.

Even worse. Sparky is crushed, and we haven't even reached the hard part yet. I don't know if I can keep us both together. We're excited, and I think, more-than-a-little scared. But we'll make it through. I'll give him his time. And then we'll move forward. With smiles. In the meantime, facebook is littered with new babies and they're grateful mothers. We are going to a "meat and greet" for one of Brent's coworkers, to meet their new son. I can't help it. It's bittersweet.

And I'm mad. Mad that I can't just feel what I feel without having the guilt, shame and anxiety of having someone think I'm not strong enough to handle this. I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. But that doesn't mean I'm stone. It hurts. No matter how much I don't want it to. It stings and "in God's time", while it's true, only goes so far. And frankly, I just want to hold my baby in my arms, rock and kiss and cuddle that baby. But instead I'm being fingerprinted, interviewed and having my background checked. While I understand, I'm intelligent enough for that, it isn't the picture that comes to mind when I think of starting a family.

So I cry alone, for what could have been. And I smile for the rest of the world, because it's what makes them comfortable. I know life isn't fair, and I'm fine with that, I'm just looking for my miracle.

Another day older...

Wait, make that another year older. That's right. This year I turned 35. And while I thought it would hit me hard, it didn't. I have no idea why. Maybe because I'm happy where I am, hopeful about the future, and I have never been one to conform to society's ideas about motherhood. So, would I have chosen to start my family after 35? Nope. Not really. But I have much to be thankful for.

There have been moments in my life when I haven't been as positive. There are times when I've been very depressed about my infertility. While I would have loved to have the opportunity to choose the timing and number of children in our family, I have learned a lot from my infertility.

I'm sure you all watch the news. And today one of the headlines is about a Food Network chef that hired a homeless (or allegedly hired a homeless man or two) to kill his wife. Now it's coming out that SHE wanted to die because she couldn't have children. Oh puhlease.

Yes, infertility is a gut punch. Yes, it's a kick in the head, when you're down and think you just might be able to get back up. It's hard on a marriage, it's hard on your psyche, and sometimes I just don't want to get out of bed. I, however, have NEVER wanted to die because of it. So, I don't understand this excuse. This cop out.

And frankly, it pisses me off. This one person that "wants to die because she can't be a mother" makes us all look weak, and crazy. It's not that I don't get that stereotype enough as it is. Now there's this, to count against every infertile woman that's fought hard to overcome this damaging misconception. Have I cried when friends/family have gotten pregnant? Yes. Have I thrown a tantrum or two? Perhaps. But it's about me. Not them. It's not that I'm not so happy for them. It's that I'm sad for me. Sad for what I can't have. Why is that so bad? People cry over things all the time? They cry over lost goals/dreams/wishes. But because I'm a woman and I'm infertile, I'm crazy. Bite me.

I can imagine that I'm fortunate. While Sparky and I have struggled and waivered, in many ways infertility has made us stronger. We've had to fight against opinions for many years. Opinions about our relationship, opinions about how/when/if we start a family. We've had to defend ourselves in ways that the average couple doesn't have to. No, we haven't had a perfect life. We aren't perfect people. But we have both worked hard to stay together and become stronger.

So, here I am. 35 and looking forward to starting my family. If you don't like it, that's fine. I don't need you to be okay with our choices. Because it's our family. Mine, and Sparky's. I know that the choices we make aren't the choices that a lot of people would make. And their choices wouldn't work for me.

I'm looking forward to my 35th year. I have a feeling it's going to be great!

Spring in my Step

Well, thank goodness spring, or break up, has begun. We're muddy and wet, but we could use more moisture. That being said, the weather has been lovely, and I'm feeling pretty good.

My iron levels are up, though I have yet to have them retested. I know, tsk tsk, but I'm holding out. On purpose. I'm not quite sure if I want to go back to the same doctor, or try out someone new. We'll see. I'm pondering. And since we're not rushing into TTC, that's my prerogative. That being said, there are some things that I really like about my doctor. So, it's hard. Finding a good doc, with PCOS knowledge, in rural Alaska. Well friends, that's a challenge.

So, for now, I'm trying to eat well. Drink TONS of water. And keep myself healthy. Right after the whole Easter debacle I was stricken with a cold. Not bad considering it was my first of the season, and it's passed quite quickly really.

I'm still having issues with the bcp's. And I do have an appointment scheduled with my doc in early May. Before we leave for Portland. So, let's hope that things just keep plugging along in the right direction.

Cheerio!

Finally Feeling Better

After a horrendous Easter weekend, I finally started feeling myself Friday of last week. It started the previous Friday, "Good Friday", ironically. I was feeling terrible, and not really sure what to blame it on. Now I know. Iron. Iron, is NOT my friend.

I spent the following 5 days in bed. Walking the yard, drinking gallons of water, and ultimately about 2 gallons of apple juice. The iron really messes with me. It's not good. And I will not be taking iron in pill form in the future.

The positive is that I'm finally feeling human. I can tell my levels are up. I have lost 17 pounds. And I hope to keep it off. And right now, the only meds I'm taking is the birth control. I will start up with the metformin again soon. But for right now, I just want my body back to some sort of normal. We're getting there.

What am I doing?

I have pointed out what I'm not doing. So I thought it important to point out what I am doing. I am making smarter food and drink choices. That includes a LOT more water, a lot more walking, and a lot less starches. No, I have not completely cut out starches. I don't know that I ever will, but I eat FAR less of them, and at different times in the day. Usually morning. It really does help.

I'm also making choices for my future. And while this doesn't directly affect my physical health, it affects my mental health, and I'm a lot happier looking forward to the future. My future. Our future.

So, I continue to move forward. Continue to try to make good decisions. And when I'm healthy, I'll be happy. For now, we're plugging along. :)

Happy Day!

Pity Party

If you really don't want to hear me bitch and complain, I suggest you come back another day. I'm having a pity party, and while I tried to fight it off, it didn't work. I'm embracing it, going with it, and hopefully, just hopefully if I blog it out of my head, I'll be able to move on. That is my most sincere hope.

I try hard not to let all this get me down. I KNOW that things could be worse. I could have some horrid, painful disease, and that would be worse. But darn it. I'm tired of being sick, and so sick of being tired. I know it's cliche', but it's truly how I feel.

Most days I can accept that this is my life. It has been for many, many years now. But today, I don't want it to be anymore. I want to feel good, without the war of medication inside my body, I want to plan to have a baby, and have it happen. Just once. I don't want to be obese, and I'm tired of people looking at me and judging me by my weight.

The meds are working, I guess. The iron binds me up, and the met has the opposite effect. So I'm never really sure where I stand. Some times I'm fine, depending on what I eat, and I try to watch my carb/starch/sugar intake, so I don't get light-headed or headaches, or worse, the diarrhea. It's a no-win situation.

In other happy news the birth control pills are semi-working. I'm having break-through bleeding, so even though I don't have my "period" I'm still wearing a pad. Everyday. Ugh. In addition to the spotting/bleeding, I get moderate-severe cramps every afternoon about 2 p.m. into the evening. It's just a real joy.

I also confess that I have yet to start the phenteramine. Frankly, I'm afraid to. I know what to expect of the other medications, but how do I know with this one. Will it make me feel better? worse? Nothing at all? I have no idea. But today is the day. I need to set aside my fear, anxiety, maybe stubborn resistance? And just do it. As that infamous commercial says.

My hope is to one day, and hopefully in the near future, feel well enough, strong enough to do it without medications. To find a lifestyle, a new type of living, that helps me and my body have a normal life without side effects.

Hoping your day is happy...

Home Again

Well, it's been quite a week and a half. I ended the week before last by stopping the met, and stopping the iron supplements. We flew out to Dallas on Saturday morning, and my Friday evening was less than pleasant.

We spent the week in Dallas where I bounced between miserable, and fine. Just fine. But I had a doctors appointment yesterday where my worst fears were realized. Okay, not worst fears, but close. My iron levels did not come up at all. Not one little bit.

The good news is that I didn't gain weight while on vacation.

Anyway, since my levels are miserably low, and I'm fairly miserable anyway. I'm back on met, back on an iron supplement, and back to being slightly more miserable. But at least I'm home. In my own bed, the creature comforts of home. My furbabies, my hubby, my quilt lovingly hand sewn by my grandma.

Til later,
K

Bump in the road

And holy moses was it a big one! The metformin kicked in. I guess that's what you call it. I have a love/hate relationship with met. It helps me, it benefits my body, and it sucks. I thought I was taking a small enough dosage this time that it wouldn't. WRONGO. It took until Day 3, but disaster struck at 3:45 p.m.

I managed to survive. And I managed to cook dinner while I survived. So I guess all's well that ends well. Right?

Tonight I started the iron supplement which will hopefully counteract the side affects of the met, if it doesn't help though I will have to quit the met until we return from Dallas. There is no way I'm going to be stuck on a plane with this crap. lol. Literally. So for now I'm cautiously optimistic, and taking iron.

Anemic

This diagnosis did not surprise me. You cannot have a constant period for 10 months, and not be. Can you? But when I got the call from my doctor's office today I was shocked at how low my levels were. I'm barely there. Just above hospitalization. Yep, that bad.

Since we live in REMOTE Alaska, we have no local pharmacy. Well, we do, but it's hard to get a prescription there. So I must wait until we're in Fairbanks on Friday to pick up the new Rx. No worries, I stocked up on an OTC iron supplement, and a "gentle" laxative as well.

I promised Linda, my new favorite person, that I would beef up my diet, literally and add in some good leafy greens. Spinach, kale, hmmm...looks like we'll be having a very red and green week. :)

All in all, I already feel better. The met is going well. The bcp's are working, and I think I'm done bleeding. Finally. And well, life is looking up.

Have a happy day!

Appointment Update

I had the most surprising visit yesterday. I don't know why it was so surprising, I guess because I had given up and I just figured my doctor would let me. Not the case. And before you say that he bullied me, I LOVE him. He gave me hope. Something of which I have not had in a long, long time.

The clinic is nice, but small. I kind of like the small, intimate feeling, but it makes it harder to ignore the pregnant women and babies everywhere. Although, I will say when I was waiting I was in the mindset that this would never be me, so perhaps it won't be so bad next time.

When I went in he first addressed the issue at hand. My obscene, obnoxious periods. He told me that while he understood that I was frustrated, and tired, that it wasn't a reason to have a hysterectomy (without children), yet. He assured me that he could fix me. I listened.

The first prescription was for birth control pills. He seems convinced that on the short-term they will do exactly what he is hoping in getting the incessant bleeding to stop. He prescribed 2 pills twice a day until it stops. Then 1 pill twice a day for 3 days. Then continue as usual until the pack is gone.

In addition he prescribed me Metformin for the insulin resistance and PCOS. This is a build and see medication. For right now I'm starting out on 250mg 2x daily and building to 3g. Yep, huge amount, but I'm ready and willing. Oh, and did I mention that this medication makes me extremely ill?

So, because I'm on strong doses of the first two meds, I am also prescribed Zofran. For nausea. Enough said.

The final medication he gave me is phenteramine. This is obviously a little aid for weight loss. We'll see how it works. I haven't even heard of it since 1995 and the whole Phen/Fen fiasco. But my doctor insists that it's safe and we'll monitor it closely.

So, that's my assignment, my goal. Take the meds, try to lose some weight, and next month, when I go back he's prescribing Clomid. Can you believe it? I can't. I'm in shock. I had really given up on this portion of the parenthood track. Both Brent and I are ecstatic. It's a little shot of hope and renewed energy.

Happy Day!

Sleepless

It's 3:30 a.m. on the morning of my appointment. At this point in time I've had a whopping 1 hour of sleep. Just for the record, it's not enough. What's the issue? I'm not quite sure. A lot on my mind I guess. Pair that with itchy skin and a much-too-warm house, I have insomnia. And let's face it, I'm not all that happy about it. Seriously.

I sit here snuggled up with my puppy, yes, I know, that makes me a very bad fur mom. Thinking about the day ahead. I would really like some sleep. But it eludes me. Even as I type my eye lids grow heavy, but as soon as the light goes off, my eyes fly open. Life, is definitely not fair.

I'll stay up for a while now. At least until the hubby gets up for work. In fact, I'll get up and pack his lunch so that I can hit the bed, all by myself when he gets up for work. I'm hoping to catch at least a couple more hours of sleep. That should help.

I'll be back later. To let you know what the doc says.

Anticipation

I'm really looking forward to Friday's appointment. Especially since we're hoping to do some traveling, camping, you know, living this spring/summer. I'm hoping that my new doc has some REAL answers. Permanent or not, I need to do something. I cannot will not live like this anymore.

So, my appointment is Friday. IF I can get Brent's company to realize that we are married. Oh my gosh, you'd think since they just finished up a complete background check on him a year ago, and that I've sent them a copy of our marriage license, utility bills, insurance cards, etc that it would be sufficient information. But no. Idiots. I mean, seriously?? Ugh. Whatever.

Other than that. Nothing much has changed. Just plugging along.

Run down

There are many things that come along with PCOS. Irregular periods has been the hardest, most traumatic for me. We moved to a new place, a new state about a year ago. For all but 6 weeks of that time, I have been bleeding. To say I'm tired, in an understatement. I'm really, really exhausted.

Next week I have an appointment at a Women's Clinic in Fairbanks. It's time to do something. I don't know what, as I don't know what all my options are, but I'm thinking about permanently fixing this issue. Yes, I'm considering a hysterectomy. It would be my birthday gift to myself.

The irony in all of this is that 10 years ago in April, we began the trying to conceive process, as a birthday gift to me. Irony at it's finest indeed. However, I have made no decisions yet. I want to be sure that I'm completely open to all options that he gives me.

So for now I wait, to see what lies ahead. I'm convinced that it will be up to me now. Ha. Okay, maybe not, but it will be my choice to choose what happens to my body at this point. At least I hope it will. We'll see.

Have a happy day!

Up, Up, Up

We are climbing the adoption rollercoaster. As always life happens in between all our great plans, but we are plugging away at the application. Phew! It's long. But well worth the time and effort it takes to do it right. The first time. After all, you only get one first impression, right? So, that's where we are.

In the meantime, my mothering gene has been momentarily fulfilled by the addition of Cash. Cash is our now 8 week old yellow lab pup. He's sweet, cuddly and oh-so-naughty. He keeps us hopping, but only wakes 1-2 times a night. Which I happen to think is pretty good for a little guy.

I dare say that having a puppy, while not as intense as having a human baby, is fun, and makes me look forward to late night feedings, and all the lovely (and some not-so-lovely) things that come with parenting. After all, I see my fair share of poop each day as it is. Luckily it's all outside. :) Ha!

So, that's what's new. We're just hanging out, enjoying life in the Last Frontier and looking forward to less quiet nights, more busy days, and chaos. Because life is just more fun with more noise. Right?

Have a happy day!

Hello!

Hello!

Well, I've been away.  As I stated in my last post I was working on base.  It ended up being 60 hours a week pretty much straight away, so I had little time for anything that wasn't absolutely necessary.  That included my two other jobs, and well, wifely things like laundry, grocery shopping and feed & maintenance of our furbaby, Ches.

Right now I'm trying to get back to my normal routine, and then I'll be back with bright thoughts and more...whining... :)  lol.  W

Welcome Back!