Another Year Passes

Yesterday was Sparky's birthday. Birthday's here are hard days. This year was particularly hard because he was stricken with the flu. Being laid up in bed leaves you plenty of time to reflect on all the unaccomplished things in life. To be fair, I cannot imagine all the things that comprise his list, but I know this, he misses not having a child as much as I. I know. Because he told me.

Tonight I watched Then She Found Me. It's a movie starring Helen Hunt, by Helen Hunt. It also co-stars Bette Midler, Matthew Broderick and Colin Firth. It's an okay movie for the average viewer. It was intriguing to me. Intriguing because it addresses infertility (although briefly) and adoption. In fact the whole movie is about adoption. But it addresses the process. The process of moving from trying to conceive to adoption.

Most people assume that if they aren't able to have bio children they'll "just adopt." Well, I can tell you. It's not that easy. It's not a simple decision. It's not something that you "just" do. Adoption has been a part of my life forever. But, for me, knowing that it may be possible to have a bio child makes me question that maybe I'm not trying hard enough, loving enough, etc. It's not an automatic progression. Some choose to move to adoption. Some adopt embryos, others adopt infants and older children.

A lot of people don't understand the mental portion of the game. Infertility kicks your ass. It makes you question everything that you've always taken for granted. I mean your fertility is your one sure thing. Right? Not. So, now after you've been knocked down and knocked down, you are rated, inspected and investigated. It's a normal process, anyone would want the best home, a safe home, for any child. However, after infertility it feels like an even larger invasion into your life.

I had to work through the emotions of it all. I'm still working through the emotions of it all. Most days I realize what a sacrifice, what a gift it is for the birth parents to choose to let someone else raise their child. Other days I feel judged. Subjectified. Why is it fair that someone who doesn't want their child is allowed to discern if I'm good enough? It's not me. I know that's not the real scenario. But sometimes it's how I feel. And I won't feel guilty. Why should I? My sure thing was taken from me.

Sparky recently told me that he didn't think we'd have a bio child. That he believes we'll adopt. But, he said he is sad about that, because he'd love to see what a bio child of ours would look like. Let me tell you this. It was a kick in the stomach. Figuratively of course. But I felt it. Emotionally and physically.

I know that I will love all of my children equally and very, very deeply. I know from being surrounded by friends and family, that biology is not what makes love exist. I hope someday I'm blessed with a child. Hopefully more than one. I would like to experience pregnancy, I would like the entire experience. But I know now that if adoption is the path I'm supposed to follow, I will feel complete, happy, and fulfilled. Sometimes you just have to trust those unanswered prayers.