Please.

I'm having a hard time. I admit it. Nothing in life is easy, but lately it seems that our life is a giant hamster wheel and we're getting no where fast. No. Where. I swear that every single person I know is pregnant, just had a baby, a new grandparent, a newly expectant grandparent, and frankly, I want to scream. SCREAM. Top of my lungs, raspy throat, blood curdling scream. Ugh. Enough already.

This situation is of course exacerbated by the fact that my dear friend is pregnant which I wrote about here. And I am really, truly excited for Bubba to arrive. So, why? Why do I feel like it may never happen for me? Why do I not get to experience the pure elation, the swollen ankles, the exhileration and exhaustion of a newborn. Why?

You know. Most of the time I can put it behind me. But it's getting harder. Each day I grow older, I grow more scared, and I grow more tired. Why hope? Why dream? So many of my hopes and dreams have been dashed. There is never enough time, enough money, enough will power, enough...me. What makes me not enough? Why was I chosen and not someone else? Someone else less worthy of the love of a child.

Most days I like to believe that God had a bigger plan. Not a better plan, just a bigger one for me. But some days it's hard to see the silver lining in the dark heaviness over head. Sometimes, I just want it to happen, without having to cry, to poke, to prod, to hurt, to bargain.

I want to be a mom. More than anything in the world. I only need one. Please.