Tuesday Top Ten- Vacations

Welcome to Tuesday's Top Ten. These are my top ten vacation destinations and why. Aren't you intrigued? Ha!

10. Greece- Where to start? Olives, beaches of Mykonos, coastline drenched in white houses in Santorini, feta cheese. Mix all of that with the mystique of the Greek gods and mythology, what isn't to love?

9. Las Vegas- VEGAS BABY!!! I love all things Vegas. Tacky fuzzy dice, strip clubs, gambling (if nickel slots count), Elvis impersonators, and more topless women than one could possibly count. Now, that makes me sound a little tacky, but there are also world class shops to window shop, shows, shows, shows, and even though Celine is gone, I'm sure we could find something decent to watch.

8. England- This is a recent addition to my schedule. I'm just beginning to explore all that England has to offer. And who wouldn't love a country with a woman in control! lol. All kidding aside, Big Ben, The Tate Modern, The Natural History Museum. It's all just the tip of the iceberg.

7. Spain- I would love to see Spain. LOVE IT. Of course, I don't feel the experience would be complete without witnessing the running of the bulls. Now, I would never in a million years take part in it, but to see it would be fascinating, and scary as hell. The National Parks, the castles, wouldn't it be lovely?

6. Conneticut- What a change of pace, huh? I have this picture in my mind of Conneticut in the fall. Apples, foliage, and lots of people in sweater sets. Okay, so maybe my vision is a little too much Baby Boom, but I would still love to explore Conneticut in the fall. Find some fabulous B&B as we amble along just finding whatever we come across.

5. New York City- So, New York. In order to accomplish all the things that I would love to do I would prefer to live in NYC for about a year. I want to see it all. All. I would love to attend a fashion show, tour fabulous penthouse apartments, and eventually have a chance to design and decorate them. I would love to spend a considerable amount of time at the Waldorf Astoria, Rockefeller Center at Christmas, and all the touristy things there are. I would love to see show after show on Broadway, visit Serendipity for some frozen hot chocolate, and just visit every museum, park, nook and cranny. Just thinking about it makes me heart beat just a little faster.

4. Germany- I spent 2 weeks in Southern Germany when I was in high school. Not long after the fall of the Berlin wall. I would LOVE to have a chance to explore more castles, visit my host family and see how they've changed and grown. I want to amble through the countryside and find the village where the houses are each painted with a different fairy tale, and I would KILL for some spaghetti eis in Holzwickede. I'd love to find the discotheque in Munich where I tasted my first dark brew, and I'd love to go for the passion play in Garmisch-Partenkirchen. The costuming is fantastic and I would love to watch it in the ancient stone theatre where it's dramatized. I'd love to show it to my husband.

3. Norway- The land of my forefathers. Well, half of them at least. When I picture Norway I envision sweeping cliffs cloaked in emerald green poking out over the ocean. I don't know much about Norway but I would love to explore all that it has to offer. Perhaps even track down some distant relatives.

2. France- This is where the other half of my forefathers lived. Well, perhaps it was my foremothers. Ha! I dream of sipping some fabulous champagne in the City of Lights, chateaus, museums, wine, some more wine, and oh, maybe some wine. I'd love to shop and shop, and maybe find myself a nice little Louis. Hmmm...a girl can dream.

1. New Zealand- After seeing scenery from the Lord of the Rings I became smitten with New Zealand. It quickly climbed to the top of my list and I'm looking forward to exploring every last inch of this island. Someday...

I want to be a pumpkin farmer...

Can y0u picture me in overalls, with my pitchfork in hand? Some of those who know me would say that it's an odd match of a profession for me, and others would think that it would fit perfectly. But two years ago I was obsessed with being a pumpkin farmer. OBSESSED. I still have a very detailed business plan waiting...just in case I should happen to stumble upon acres of land.

This time of year. Autumn. It leaves me longing for my school days and my hometown. However, something's are only meant to be memories. Sometimes are much, much better than the reality. I love Hometown, I love the feeling I get when I drive down mainstreet, I love that I recognize faces in faces, I love that I feel at home there. However, there are things about Hometown that would be difficult to embrace. Some of the things that I love, are also some of the things that keep me away. I'm fortunate, I guess, that two of my closest friends, and most of my family still live in the area. So, I get the best of both worlds. I get to visit, whenever I'd like, and I get to leave, when the familiar feeling closes in on me.

I still love the idea of working the land, turning the pumpkins to maintain their perfectly round shape, to grow and welcome, and show and guide. The activities, the food, the comforts of home. But I can have those with or without my pumpkin farm. Ahhh, autumn in my state. It truly can't be beat.

Another Year Passes

Yesterday was Sparky's birthday. Birthday's here are hard days. This year was particularly hard because he was stricken with the flu. Being laid up in bed leaves you plenty of time to reflect on all the unaccomplished things in life. To be fair, I cannot imagine all the things that comprise his list, but I know this, he misses not having a child as much as I. I know. Because he told me.

Tonight I watched Then She Found Me. It's a movie starring Helen Hunt, by Helen Hunt. It also co-stars Bette Midler, Matthew Broderick and Colin Firth. It's an okay movie for the average viewer. It was intriguing to me. Intriguing because it addresses infertility (although briefly) and adoption. In fact the whole movie is about adoption. But it addresses the process. The process of moving from trying to conceive to adoption.

Most people assume that if they aren't able to have bio children they'll "just adopt." Well, I can tell you. It's not that easy. It's not a simple decision. It's not something that you "just" do. Adoption has been a part of my life forever. But, for me, knowing that it may be possible to have a bio child makes me question that maybe I'm not trying hard enough, loving enough, etc. It's not an automatic progression. Some choose to move to adoption. Some adopt embryos, others adopt infants and older children.

A lot of people don't understand the mental portion of the game. Infertility kicks your ass. It makes you question everything that you've always taken for granted. I mean your fertility is your one sure thing. Right? Not. So, now after you've been knocked down and knocked down, you are rated, inspected and investigated. It's a normal process, anyone would want the best home, a safe home, for any child. However, after infertility it feels like an even larger invasion into your life.

I had to work through the emotions of it all. I'm still working through the emotions of it all. Most days I realize what a sacrifice, what a gift it is for the birth parents to choose to let someone else raise their child. Other days I feel judged. Subjectified. Why is it fair that someone who doesn't want their child is allowed to discern if I'm good enough? It's not me. I know that's not the real scenario. But sometimes it's how I feel. And I won't feel guilty. Why should I? My sure thing was taken from me.

Sparky recently told me that he didn't think we'd have a bio child. That he believes we'll adopt. But, he said he is sad about that, because he'd love to see what a bio child of ours would look like. Let me tell you this. It was a kick in the stomach. Figuratively of course. But I felt it. Emotionally and physically.

I know that I will love all of my children equally and very, very deeply. I know from being surrounded by friends and family, that biology is not what makes love exist. I hope someday I'm blessed with a child. Hopefully more than one. I would like to experience pregnancy, I would like the entire experience. But I know now that if adoption is the path I'm supposed to follow, I will feel complete, happy, and fulfilled. Sometimes you just have to trust those unanswered prayers.

The New Love of my Life

Oh my Goodness. This my friends, is the new love of my life. Of course, he and his big sister Spunky (and my niece and nephews) are tied for that position, but isn't he gorgeous? Absolutely perfect. I fell in love months ago, but today I became a smitten kitten.

He's a true and honest blessing. Mom & baby are healthy, happy and resting. I'm so thankful that they're both doing alright. Congratulations Sassy & Jay.

Happy Birthday Rocco! We love you!

Tuesday Top Ten

My Top Ten Movies and Why

10. Wedding Crashers Who wouldn't love a movie with Vince Vaughan and Owen Wilson? I could live without all the boobs, but all in a great movie. Of course with Isla Fisher and Rachel McAdams, this for me is the ultimate movie.

9. StepMom It was difficult for me to narrow down all the Julia Roberts movies that I love. There are so many of them. However, this movie, the setting, the topic, the kids, and Ed Harris. Yummy, yummy Ed Harris. <<>>

8. Sense & Sensibility I love every single version of this movie. It's absolutely divine. I love pre-20th century pieces. English accents, carriages, snobbery, gowns, and those silly little short pants the gentleman wore. Divine.

7. Sound of Music Julie Andrews & Christopher Plummer. Never was there a more perfect on screen union. I love the setting, the constant strains of Edel Weiss, and the castles. It makes me remember my days in Germany, seeing the effect of the concentration camps and Nazi Germany, and makes me long for a sequel, even though it would be about their great grandchildren at this point.

6. The Devil Wears Prada This is the ultimate dumpy girls guide to femininity. I love that I can watch and see and indulge every materialistic bone in my body watching this movie. Of course, the fact that I could never exist on 6 almonds for breakfast is most likely why I don't have a size 4 ass. Perhaps someday soon my ass will be smaller, but I highly doubt it will ever be a size 4.

5. Elf Whenever I need to just all out laugh. This is my go to movie. "I like smiling, smilings my favorite". Will Ferrell rocks. Always. The Christmas setting doesn't hurt this movie either, but it really is just awesome. Reindeer, spaghetti with syrup, carols in the park, and men in tights. Awesome, awesome movie.

4. The Holiday Jack Black, Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz and Jude Law. What a totally funky cast of characters. But, it's brilliant and it works so, so well. I don't even like Cameron Diaz that much, and Jude Law isn't my favorite after the nanny boffiing business, but I love this movie. It's great. Jude's character comes across as kind, shy, loving, and slightly a player until you understand him. And his accent. <> Jack Black is always great. Kate Winslet makes you want to be her, and Cameron, while neurotic is loveable and laughable.

3. Family Stone This movie proves that every family tree is full of nuts. However, I want to be Karla Stone. Seriously people, if you are going to have a wacky, nutty, slightly off kilter family, this is the one you want to be a part of. The cast of characters is fantastic. Rachel McAdams, Luke Wilson, Craig T. Nelson, Diane Keaton, Claire Danes...fantastic. Love it.

2. The Notebook I don't think there's a woman in America who wouldn't have this movie in their top 10. Every teenage girl's wet dream come true. I love Ryan Gosling & Rachel McAdams. The ending is sad, but the story is worth it. Truly a love story.

1. Sweet Home Alabama This is my home sweet home movie. Everytime I'm feeling homesick for Hometown I pop this one in. It truly blends the roots and wings philosophy of the whole movie. And who doesn't love Patrick Dempsey, Josh Lucas, Reese Witherspoon, Candice Bergen? Just a really feel good movie...and with Lynard Skynard as a base, it's just really Sweet! :)

'Til Later!

Career Day

My job. Is just that. Just a job. It's not something that I love. Or hate. But I don't like it. Not because the job is difficult, not because I work with rude or inconsiderate people, nope, my job is just the opposite. I'm bored. And I don't fit. I just...don't. I can't really explain it. A large part of my job is accounting, which I hate, loathe. If I had known what a large part of the job it was, I most likely would have turned it down. Accounting, for me, sucks. Sucks donkey dick. I hate it. So, I try to overcome it.

The people. The people are the only reason I'm there. Okay, the benefits factor in there, but the people are super nice. Very nice. Except, they're nothing like me. Our personalities don't match. They're kind, they're quiet, dreadfully, frightfully quiet, and frankly. I. just. don't. fit.

So, this has got me thinking. I have a lot of time left before I can retire. A lot. So, I need to re-evaluate and figure out when, where, and how I"m going to do it. I want to design. Spaces. Interiors. Homes. My father of course thinks this is the single most ridiculous thing he's heard. He has never met anyone that's hired an interior designer. Bar the fact that I grew up, and my parents still live in, a town of 200 people in the middle of Butt Fuck Egypt. Good heavens. People in my life have absolutely no faith in me. None. Whatsoever.

So, in between my dad lecturing me in the middle of Hobby Lobby, I decided. I'm going to go to school. I'm going to get my degree. I'm going to change my life. Change it. Forever. I've waited and waited for my kids to go to school so I could go to school, and let's face, those damn kids got lost somewhere. lol. So, I've started researching schools, and programs, and well, everything. After we get settled I plan to start. Looks like I'm going to have a very busy year!

13 Things

In an effort to let you understand all my quirks and jerks, here are 13 things about me you may have guessed, may know, and may not have had a clue! Enjoy!

1. At 18, I thought I was an old maid and I'd NEVER get married. 3 mos. later I met the love of my life...and thought of him more of a one night stand. Boy, my radar was ba-roke.

2. I was Miss Hometown. But I didn't actually win the crown, it was a hand-me-down crown. I was first (or second) runner up and was crowned at someone's house. Lame. But I thought I was a rockstar.

3. If my dad had boobs or I was bald and male, we'd be twins.

4. At one point in my life I wanted to be a mortician.

5. My brother and my husband have the same name.

6. I love The Hills.

7. When I was 6 I wanted to change my name to Kimberly.

8. I've had my best friend since Kindergarten.

9. I really want to go back to school for Interior Design.

10. I'm afraid that I'll never be a mom.

11. I was in 4-H and took my pig (yes, oinker) to the State Fair.

12. I didn't get my drivers license until I was 17.

13. I'd love to live in New York City...if only for a year.

The Women

So, I went to see this movie tonight. I had relatively few expectations seeing that I hadn't heard that much about it. I have to admit, the fact that it was set in New York (one of my obsessions) and starred Meg Ryan, I was drawn. On that alone. You should certainly check it out here.

See it. Definitely see it. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not some deep, artsy piece. However, it made me contemplate the relationships with my friends. It made me learn and grow, just a little, and really is just a fun movie about women. I laughed, I cried, and I will definitely buy it when it comes out on DVD. Get your friends together and go see this movie!

Please.

I'm having a hard time. I admit it. Nothing in life is easy, but lately it seems that our life is a giant hamster wheel and we're getting no where fast. No. Where. I swear that every single person I know is pregnant, just had a baby, a new grandparent, a newly expectant grandparent, and frankly, I want to scream. SCREAM. Top of my lungs, raspy throat, blood curdling scream. Ugh. Enough already.

This situation is of course exacerbated by the fact that my dear friend is pregnant which I wrote about here. And I am really, truly excited for Bubba to arrive. So, why? Why do I feel like it may never happen for me? Why do I not get to experience the pure elation, the swollen ankles, the exhileration and exhaustion of a newborn. Why?

You know. Most of the time I can put it behind me. But it's getting harder. Each day I grow older, I grow more scared, and I grow more tired. Why hope? Why dream? So many of my hopes and dreams have been dashed. There is never enough time, enough money, enough will power, enough...me. What makes me not enough? Why was I chosen and not someone else? Someone else less worthy of the love of a child.

Most days I like to believe that God had a bigger plan. Not a better plan, just a bigger one for me. But some days it's hard to see the silver lining in the dark heaviness over head. Sometimes, I just want it to happen, without having to cry, to poke, to prod, to hurt, to bargain.

I want to be a mom. More than anything in the world. I only need one. Please.

Have you forgotten?

Having been raised in a very small town in Northwestern Minnesota, I was fairly sheltered in my youth. So perhaps that's why 9/11 affected my life so greatly.

I will never forget that day. 9/11/2001. We had just moved to Colorado and we were living a thousand miles from our families and friends. I went to work that morning as normal and as I was sitting at my desk, the phone rang. It was Sparky. He was shaken, and he told me that a plane hit the World Trade Center. I remember being struck with disbelief and so we turned on the radio and listened.

That day work was forfeited to the grief, wonder, and ponderance of life in a country that had fallen prey to terrorists. As the days passed I remember feeling vulnerable and scared. Then the worst news affected us. My younger brother The Law had been deployed. Luckily he would remain in the states and not be shipped overseas like so many others. However, it was frightening and disturbing at such an uncertain time.

There is no one in this country that has not been affected. So many have loved and lost, and gave without a second thought. And though we may not have the closure that so many have hoped, prayed and gave for, I pray that all Americans will support our troops, no matter which side of the war they stand on.

God Bless America.

Say a little prayer for me...

So, the past few days have been stressful. Everytime we think we have the world by the balls something pops up. And you would begin to hope that it's something positive and wonderful. Umm...not so much. So, today, the window of opportunity is opened. We're searching for solutions and determined not to give up. If you have an extra minute could you throw a little prayer in for Sparky?

'Til Later.

A Hitch In Our Giddy Up

So, something you should know about my life is that it's never been easy. Now, don't get me wrong, there are many, many, many people out there who have it much worse than I do. But let's face it, I always take the long road to get where I"m going. Always. Unfortunately, it happens to Sparky by association as well.

Alaska has turned down his receiprocity. It's ridiculous really, and no fault of his own. Just a stupid, antiquated, senseless state law they have. So, Plan B is on the horizon. We're still trying to work out all the particulars, but we're smart people, we'll make it work. In time we'll figure out how and when it's supposed to happen, and then we'll move forward again. Until then, we sit and wait and stew. This situation is HIGHLY stressful, but it's worth it. Or, I hope it is anyway.

"Til Later,
K

Religion and Politics

I'm not a religious fanatic, or an overly controversial person. I believe in God, and I believe that certain things are personal. Politics and religion are personal. So then why is it that EVERYWHERE I go, I'm bombarded with false information. Let's face it people, they are ALL politicians. Don't you think the phrase "honest politician" is a little contradictory?

As a Christian, I believe in your right to not believe in God. It scares me to death. But that's my issue. However, why is it as a Christian and a conservative I'm considered uneducated and lacking in common sense? They're beliefs people. Not only are they intensely personal, but they are most likely going to change and morph as you age, mature, grow and learn. I learned a long time ago to never say never. Unless you're living someone else's life you don't know how you'll react until it actually happens to you.

Buy a clue. Keep your opinions to yourself. And stop thinking you're superior in any way. I don't care what you're religious or political beliefs and standings are as long as you're a considerate, thoughtful person. When you think you have "proof" of one thing or another, you don't. Unless you were there, experienced it with them, or experienced it yourself, you don't have a right to judge me, or my beliefs.

She's having a baby...

So in all the drama with Alaska, I have neglected to update you on my life. My good friend, S, is expecting her second child in the coming weeks, possibly days. I'm fortunate that I have good friends. The road of infertility is hard, and I've been shocked by the callousness of people I allowed into my life. Those who have taken my innermost private feelings and used them against me. Some of my "friends" have taken my reactions, my feelngs, and used them to turn others against me, or make me seem like less of a friend because of them. These people are no longer a part of my life.

Back to S. When she was expecting her first child, Spunky, she was gracious enough to include me in every portion of the pregnancy. I was even there when we found out that Spunky was a girl. To the average person it may not seem like a very big deal, but to me, a woman that's only had the privilege of seeing ovaries and a uterus via ultrasound, seeing that flutter, that beating, pulsing heart, was one of dreams. To see that little gummi bear moving and waving was fantastic. After Spunky was born I spent more time there than at home, but I was connected to her, and to S. She allowed me a special place through her pregnancy, a privilege I may never experience on my own, and for that I am truly thankful to her.

Move forward 2.5 years. S is ready to have child #2. She and hubby try the first month and she receives a negative pregnancy test. Spunky was conceived on the first shot, so this was her first negative. She was devastated. The first one, or ten, are always hard. Luckily, the next month's timing turned out to be better and we found out that Bubba was on his way. Again, S has included me. The situation is slightly different this time, but seeing, feeling, touching him (and unavoidably her) she's allowed me once again to live it with her. It's simple really. She wouldn't have to do it. But I'll be forever thankful to her for that.

Last night I sat and watched her belly move. I watched as Bubba stretched and pushed. I helped her time a couple of contractions. And even though I saw she was uncomfortable, I couldn't help but feel envious. To wonder, for just a moment, what it must feel like to feel him move, feel him push, and tug, and even though it's not always pleasant for her. And I wonder...will that ever be me?

'Til Later...

Hurry up to wait

The weekends go by way too quickly. Especially when you're trying to squeeze months of projects into days of time. It's never ending. This week has been better than the past couple but we're still sitting waiting for answers. Answers to big questions and small, though all of them seem big these days.

Plans are coming together for Sparky's departure to Alaska. He's leaving, but we're still not sure when. Our current state is holding up licensing, which really shouldn't surprise us, but as soon as it goes through he'll be able to call his recruiter and have him book the flight. Waiting is killer. Pins and needles. It's very exhausting. And stressful.

All of this has come up very quickly. We figured we'd move. We also figured and hoped that it would be within our current state. This 3000+ mile move is quickly taking the fun out of everything. The fact that we have a current lease also puts a damper on things. We're excited, and nervous. Nervous, nervous and excited. We'll basically be starting over. Some clothes, some mementos, the rest will be sold or put into storage until we decide if AK is our forever home, or until (more likely) we move back to the lower 48.

We had a good weekend. Spent a little time with our newest nephew T and his dad. Sparky golfed with Brother and Dad on Saturday while I hung out with Mom and T. All in all a good day. Today I fulfilled my role as good wife and cleaned and cooked up a storm.

Tomorrow's Monday...back to the grind.

"Til then...

PCOS Sucks.

One of my main issues with the move to Alaska, is the lack of medical care. Or perhaps it's more fair to say, my perception of the lack of medical care there. If I were a normal woman I would have no reservations about the move, family building wise anyway.

We're leaning toward, feeling drawn to, adoption. But what now? What? How do I begin? WHEN do I begin? So, for now, we're heading back towards the trying to conceive a bio child, and then if that doesn't work out, we'll move forward.

It's hard, and scary, emotionally. To put yourself out there, to set yourself up for the disappointment and the heartbreak. It's exhausting. The thought of it makes me want to give up. And we're no where near beginning yet. Ugh. But I need not get a head of myself. I have a lot of work to do before the fun begins. I need to get this frick frackin' PCOS under control. You know what? Screw control, I'm going to conquer this bitch once and for all.

Now, once I get Sparky packed up and on his way, game on.
Are you in?

North...

...To Alaska! That's where my hubby is going. In approximately 12 days Sparky will depart for the North Slope. Why? He's going to work there. Is it my first choice? Absolutely not. However, a change is necessary, therefore, a change is here.

In additional job news, he's applied, interviewed, and preliminarily accepted a position with Boeing. Surprise. This position is also in Alaska. This is a permanent position. At this point we're putting it in God's hands. We've put our needs in place, and if it's not acceptable to the position, then it's simply not meant to be. End of conversation.

I have to admit. The move has me worried. We both know that we don't want to end up in Alaska. It's a nice state, it looks gorgeous, but it's a long, long way from family. Sparky knows that he wants to be in Minnesota, and well, I'm just okay with that. Though not necessarily where we are. We'll see what happens. In the meantime, absolutely nothing has been resolved by our decision. Everything is still flopping in the wind. At this point, it's just our of our hands...and in His. Just like everything else.

In other news, fall has arrived in Southern Minnesota. It's cool, the windows are open the soft, cool breeze is slipping over the window sills, and I'm ready for a peaceful, solid slumber. Too bad there's laundry to do, blogs to write, emails to catch up on, and facebook to check. And of course, Sparky's back to rub. Usually I'd brush him off and tell him that I will another night...but our night's are numbered, and there will be many in between that he falls asleep alone. So tonight, I bid adeiu and go to rub my hubby's back.

'Til later.