I've Been Thinking

Have you ever been driving along and heard a song that sparked a particular memory? Or maybe it was a feeling? An emotion? We were driving today and we were listening to a Don Williams CD. Listening to him sing of family, love and babies brought a lot of feelings and emotions to our conversation.

We both think a lot about family. We have wanted children for so long, that sometimes it feels as though it may never be a reality. But it will. I just have to have faith, and remember that it's not my timing, but God's that is important.

Brent and I didn't start out thinking that our family would be formed through adoption. I just assumed that we'd get married, and have perfect, evenly spaced babies like everyone else I knew. It took some time for both of us to realize that perfection doesn't really exist. And it doesn't necessarily apply to everyone's life. Yes, it works out beautifully for some. For me, not so much, I like to take the windy path instead.

I think adoption used to be this scary thing where babies were whisked off in the middle of the night to never know their first mothers, and their mothers were never to know them. Great strides have been made in understanding the entire adoption structure. It's no longer a cut and dried process. There are so many options, and each situation is different from the first. Great laws and processes have been put in place to help birth mothers and adoptive parents create the perfect situation for their child.

So, while we didn't start out expecting our family to be built with outside help, now I only see it as normal. How it could be. Maybe even how it should be.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Christmas is my favorite time of year. A time of great joy, for it's Jesus Christ's birthday. A time to feast on the bounties that God has placed before us. Family, friends, food and gifts chosen with care and love.

It's the time of year that brings out the best, and worst, in people. Some find it a time to reach within themselves and give. Some give time, others money, some gifts of necessity for those less fortunate.

I usually find myself searching my heart, to find the answers to questions long left behind in thought. I am always drawn to church, to religion, to prayer.

This is our first Christmas without our grandpa's. Sparky and I both lost our dear grandfathers in July. While I mourn the loss of my Grandpa Elmo, I think the love, devotion, and loss felt by Sparky for Grandpa Earl goes deeper. Anyone who knew Grandpa, loved Grandpa. I loved him as my own, and I didn't meet him until I was 19 years old. But that love was real. Grandpa loved too. He loved Grandma Helen with all of his being. They had known eachother, and loved eachother a lifetime, and it still wasn't enough. He loved his children, and each and every grandchild, and great grandchild. He loved them all deeply and truly.

He and Sparky shared a connection that I know I don't have the words to explain. But you could see it between them, like a spark in the night. This deep understanding of eachother. It's a connection that I don't have with Sparky, and a love that will never be replaced. It was a special love, a special bond, and I know Sparky grieves his grandpa daily. Today was a difficult day for him, for many reasons.

I cannot lie that I hoped since we both lost so much this year, so much, so close, that we would be blessed with the ultimate of blessings. I was convinced that since God had chosen to take two loved ones in such a short time, that it could only mean that our loss would be filled with the love of a child. Our child. We have tried to fill the loss, longing, and emptiness we feel with other activities, other vices. In some ways the longing and hurt has driven us apart, if even just a little, in other ways it has pulled us to eachother. Pulled us closer than ever.

It's a comfort to me to know that he understands. He truly understands the loss that I feel, the longings I have, the emptiness I feel in my heart. I would gladly and truly give up anything I have, or could have, for a child. I know that someday my sadness and hurt will turn to joy and eternal elation, but for now, I smile and try not to be sad when I see the families in cards that we receive each day.

This year we also celebrated our newest nephew's first Christmas. Little Toryn was born to Sparky's brother and his wife last January. What a way to start the new year! He is such a blessing. A healthy little reminder of all that is good in the world. He is happy, and smiley, and active and so, so loving. He's a ham, who loves the attention he receives in bushels from his doting parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.

Merry Christmas, whether it be your first, or your last. Know that God is good, and love surrounds you.

Sad, sad news

It's Christmas. A time of miracles. A time that's supposed to be infinitely happy. But today we lost. Our dear Aunt Judy. Godspeed. Peace. And so much love we send with you. May you feel no more pain. We will cherish our memories with you forever. Rest in peace.

Baby It's Cold Outside

Brrrrrrrr! It's -5 and falling down, down, down. It's been colder already this year, but with the powder lying in mounds on the ground, it seems colder. The temperatures are supposed to be rising, let's hope. Those as the temps rise that usually means the snowbanks do as well.

We're projected inches of ivory fluff come Friday. I'm all for a white Christmas, but a little less would be nice. We're hoping to get to South Dakota to see Grandma before we go. She doesn't know we're moving. It feels selfish, but with her memory fading and her worries growing, it's really for the best if she thinks we're right here.

Stay warm & cozy! Curl up with a good book, and a nice cup of hot chocolate.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Happy Holidays! This is the view from my front door. Picturesque, isn't it? It's beautiful in the summer and winter months. I love it. This photo was actually taken about this time last year, but it looks the same today, with possibly a dab more snow. It's snowing now, and if it wasn't dark I'd prove it. However, my cheap little snapshot camera wouldn't do the fluffy whiteness any justice. So you'll have to settle for this.

I may be a little crazy, but since we can't have any decorations up this year, since we're moving 5 days after Christmas and all, I am pleased that we at least have snow to make it feel more Christmas-y. I'll take it.

Usually my favorite thing to do is sit with all the lights off in the house with just the glow of twinkling tree lights and the soft strains of Silent Night drifting on the brisk winter air. There's nothing like twinkling and glowing to set the mood for remembering and pondering. My mom used to love it too, so she indulged us as often as possible. I remember one night sneaking out and laying beneath the tree. I think Mom caught me and sent me back to bed, but I could have stayed there all night long. I love Christmas and everything it stands for.

Hoping you and yours are warm, safe and have much to be thankful for this Christmas. Happy Holidays!

Babies, Babies and More Babies...

Sometimes I wonder if I ever have a thought that doesn't begin with the words..."when we have kids". It's never "if", and always "when". Sparky's the same way. With moving, and everything else that's going on in my world, I don't have as much time to sit around and ponder parenthood. But it's always there, that niggling thought.

Tonight CBS regaled us with the annual installment of Frosty The Snowman, and other such holiday classics. It's hard to believe that these are the same holiday specials that have been running since we were kids! Oh how I loved them then, and LOVE them now.

As we were running around vacuuming up the legions of dead bugs that accumulate in our house every fall, we took a couple minutes to just sit down and talk. It seems like lately we only talk in passing. There's always one more thing to do, one more place to run, or one more person to answer to. So, we sat. It was only about 15 minutes, but I think we said more in those 15 minutes than in the week we just left behind.

We talked about traditions of Christmases past, those we'd like to keep, those we'd like to do away with, and most importantly, those we'd like to start. For our family. Some day. Christmas is just such a special time of the year. It brings forth feelings of love, charity and generosity for all mankind. As a Christian I always feel closer to God and His Son at this time of year, for obvious reasons.

I'm scared. Truly afraid that I won't know what it's like to watch my child's face light up at the discovery of their stocking on Christmas morn, to hear my children's voices risen in song at the front of our church, or to feel their little kisses on my cheek. I guess I'm fortunate though, that fear makes me more strongwilled and bullheaded.

Is it possible to miss someone you've never even met?

Is it too early for New Year's Resolutions?

I'm not sure if it's a resolution, or more a goal. But my goal is to become a parent (or come closer to becoming a parent) in 2009. I may not get here as often as I'd like in the coming weeks, because we're moving. But I'll try to update as often as possible.

Babies are always on my brain. What's on yours?

Happy Holidays!

More Loss

I don't claim to be an overly patient person. I never have been. It's a virtue I hope improves with age. We'll see.

Tonight I lost a friend. Lost in the sense of no longer friends, not an untimely death. It makes me incredibly sad. I will miss her, but not the frustration that always seemed present in our relationship. It may not be true, but I sincerely feel that I gave more. Not in earthly possessions, that doesn't mean anything. I gave more of myself. Me. The only true thing I have to give. And I just don't feel that I got that in return.

I believe that friendship is about sharing. I don't trust easily, I just don't, I've been used a lot. But I gave, and I trusted, and I was duped. Again. And I'm also sure that I was partly to blame. Maybe I didn't try hard enough, maybe she didn't feel valued enough, for some reason she couldn't trust me to support her, care about her, share with her.

For her I wish her happiness. That's all I've ever wanted for her. But I'm done. I have to be. It hurts too much to be used.

A long and winding road...

So, I would like to say that with everything else on our plates we haven't had time to think about babies. This is so, so, so astronomically untrue. Our feelings of loss always escalate this time of year. We should be out shopping, taking pics of our little ones (not so tiny by now if it had happened) with Santa, at church Christmas programs, and various other seasonal joys. This year we don't have a tree because of the move, however, we didn't have one last year either. I just couldn't find a reason to celebrate.

Of course along with our moving plans we get the "oh, how exciting" or "how daring", and then the slap in the face "well, at least you don't have kids to worry about", or some variation of possibly the dumbest, most insensitive thing people can say. Um, you know me, It's been 8 years, 7 months since we decided to start our family. 8 freakin' years. Almost 9. I'd much rather have the "inconvenience" of children. I know that I shouldn't take it so personally, they're only trying to be excited and supportive, but it hurts, it sucks, and it always takes my breath away and leaves me momentarily speachless.

So many people in our lives are obsessed with perfection. The perfect child at the perfect moment in the perfect situation. Are you kidding? Have you learned nothing from our experience? Perfection does not exist. Does. Not. Exist. Not for me anyway. But in all of this, I am sure, scratch that, Iam POSITIVE that our perfect, sweet, adorable baby is waiting for just the right moment. Dear God, please let it be soon.

Happy Thanksgiving!

So, I started a countdown of seven days of gratefulness. That didn't exactly work out due to my busy life, and hiccups along the way. However, in an effort to make up for that I decided to post seven things I'm grateful for. So, here they are...

7. Health- I'm grateful for my health and the health of my family. Our health is something that we often take for granted. Then something tragic happens to remind us how fragile life is. So after I get done stuffing myself with turkey, potatoes, salad, vegetables and pie, I think I'll make up a new work out plan.

6. Home- Though it will be changing soon, it's a place where I feel free, comfortable. Warm in the winter, cool in the summer, and sometimes vice versa. But it's a place to feel at ease with those that I love. There are so many people who don't have a roof, a floor, a place to feel completely safe and loved.

5. Jobs- More pointedly, the ability to work and provide for our family. Whether the location and type of work changes, we have the physical capability to work and earn a living.

4. Chessa- My sweet, loyal, loving girl. Snuggly in the morning, loves her babies, loves her "Daddy" more. Loves bones, and treats galore. But best of all, she just loves.

3. Friends- I have the greatest mixed bag of friends. They come in all locations, shapes and varieties. Some are still in my life, others are not. Each of them served a wonderful purpose, helped me through something, over something, or perhaps just maybe I did the same for them. I'm thankful for each person that has touched my life.

2. Family- Our families are hard-working, God-fearing, loving, out spoken, reserved, boisterous. They love unconditionally, fully, and passionately. We may not always see eye-to-eye, but under it all is love. We love each and everyone of you.

1. God- For all the many, many blessings He has bestowed on us and our families. Though we may not understand His works and His ways. May we learn patience, and trust in His infinite wisdom.

Wishing you and yours a Happy Thanksgiving. May you have much to be thankful for this holiday season and always.

Love, The Kings

Grateful...but slacking...

Well, I failed the gratitude posts this year. Perhaps I'll try it again next year. It's been hectic, and I'm feeling stressed, depressed and blue. We have a lot of pressure on us right now, and I would just like people to be happy for us. Some are, some aren't. And it's hard.

I am grateful, and I am sad. Our Woobie cat found a new home this weekend and I'm taking it slightly harder than I thought I would. But enough about that.

Let's hope the days get better. I'm good, or I will be. I just need to bounce back. :)

7 days...

It's seven days until Thanksgiving. And since I find it so easy to find the things in life that I don't have, or that aren't right, I figured I'd count down these next 7 days by choosing one thing per day to be thankful for. It's so easy to get caught up in the "why me's" and "if only's" that I thought I'd take 7 full days to be positive, and grateful, and thankful.

I am thankful for him. This guy. Sparky. The love of my life. We've had ups, and we've had a lot of downs. But he loves so unconditionally. He acts like a tough guy, but is a softie at heart. He loves me. Unconditionally. Tells me the truth, even when the truth is hard. He shares my hopes. He shares my dreams. He's strong. He's vulnerable. He's imperfect. He's perfect...for me. He's opiniated. He's smart. He's sexy. He loves God. He loves animals. He wants to be the father of my children. He loves his Grandpa. He loves his Grandma. He loves deep. He hurts deep. He loves our families. He is the first person I want to share something wonderful with. He's the shoulder I cry on. He calms me. He is my soul mate. He is...mine.

Please Pray

Our friend's, Tonya and Adam, are going through a rough time in their lives. Tonya had an aneurysm burst a week and a half ago. She's 32. Fortunately we live close to the Mayo Clinic and they were able to rush her there, by helicopter. She's been conscious and stable for about a week now. They did surgery on Monday to repair the damage and she came out better than they thought. Amen. So now they're doing "stroke watch". Apparently if she manages to stay stroke free through today she may be able to come home. This weekend! Can you believe it? So, if you have an extra minute, could you please pray for Tonya's continued recovery.

Thank you!



For other updates you can also check out my other blog. To Alaska and Beyond! This will update you on any of our move stuff. :)
Have a happy day!

Tick...Tock...Tick...Tock...

Depending on the day I can hear my biological clock ticking away. Sometimes it's a very soft tick, other days it's not-so-subtle and I can almost audibly hear it, and other times it's an ear shattering clang at 100 beats per minute. Every year the tick seems quieter. Quieter? Yes, quieter.


Sparky and I talk frequently about becoming parents. For some reason, it's all a dream. Something that I'm never sure will come to fruition. We both desperately want to hold our children, to spend endless Saturday mornings in bed, watching cartoons, with the dog. And maybe a cat, or two.

This time of year is especially hard. It's supposed to be the happiest time of the year. A time for families. It's just us. We don't feel much like a family. Even though, I know the two of us make a very strong, loving family. Us, the dog and the cat. lol. We love. Strongly. Deeply. And we hurt. Deeply.

Each year we have faith that this will be "our" year. That this next holiday season will be shared with our child. So, we continue to have faith, and hope, and wish, and pray, that someday soon, our dreams come true.

An exciting week so far!

So, it's been a pretty exciting week so far. I started it off in my hometown with my family. A nice visit was had, and we headed South for the winter. lol. We got home to snow and ice.

Tuesday morning I was late to work due to bad roads and bridge closures. The interstate was fine once I got there.

Okay, the exciting part is that I started a blog for my family and friends to track our trek to Alaska. Are you sick of hearing me talk about it yet? I am. You can see it here at To Alaska...and Beyond!

Also, my cousin and his darling wife added a third son to their family. Kellan Joseph was born yesterday afternoon and joins big brothers Eithan and Kaiden. Mommy and Kellan are doing well.

Now, I need a bed. I'm about to keel over.

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

This past weekend we traveled the 350 miles home to visit my family and friends. This is an annual trip. You see, in the Northland it's hunting season. Deer opener. And since I come from a long line of hunters, and shoppers, we hunt and shop. More to the point, Sparky hunts and I shop.

As I stated in my previous post I was nervous. So much rigamaroll has been going on in the last year that I was afraid that all of that hoopla would ruin the weekend. Well, it didn't. YAY!

We had a great day. We talked and bonded and laughed and had a good time. A really good time.

Sparky and I bought a new video camera to tape our journey to Alaska. Of course we had to try it out and got some hilarious footage of deer tales. Yes, they are similar to fish tales. lol. Now, if I can just figure out how to get pics and video off my little handycam we'll upload it here for posterity.

So hopefully this little thread we've weaved will grow again into a tapestry. I can be patient. Maybe. I'm just hopeful. Hmmmm. Seems to be the word of the year.

In high school I was the classic overachiever. I was in every extra curricular sport and activity available. I smiled, I cajoled, I was a nice girl. Head cheerleader, peer helper, Miss Hometown. At 18, I had the world by the balls. And then I realized that I was a grown up. And my life as I knew it, was over. Much to my surprise, my family had a huge reaction to me taking control of my own life. At the time I felt it was unfair and outrageous, and now I understand that they were concerned and scared. It was after all, an about face. I left my dreams of college behind and decided I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and mother. It was a great goal. However, God had other plans for me. I learned quickly that I never had control. I never would have control.

We've struggled along the way because of my choices. Our choices. I regret a couple of the choices I made, but I don't regret being the woman that I am. I am so much stronger and smarter than I ever thought I could be, would be. For that I am eternally thankful.

Choices are a part of daily life. You choose to wear black, or brown, to have curly hair, or straight hair, sassy stilettos or those practical flats for running errands. These choices are how people first see us. Some become friends and get to know that you much prefer the sassy stilettos to those practical flats. And some see us sporadically, sometimes at our best, sometimes at our worst, and that is how they choose to view our lives.

My relationship with my family is strained. This weekend we are going "home". I am excited, and I am very,very nervous. My brother isn't speaking to me, for reasons that I don't know. This is the part that frustrates me. I feel that if I knew what it was, really was, that we could talk, that we could communicate. But he won't answer phone calls, or emails. That's his choice. Until he decides to make other choices, we don't have a relationship. I miss him and hope that someday we can patch whatever sprung a leak. But for now, it makes things uncomfortable.

Every time I'm home I struggle to find enough time for everyone. For my friends, for my family. for me. This will be the last time I'm able to make time for all of them. Then we move. So, I hope to let my hair down, relax and find a way to communicate and bond. So, tonight I'll pray to find a way to connect, relax, and make everyone happy, but especially myself.

History Is Made

Ladies and Gentlemen. The next president of the United States of America. Barack Obama.

History is made. For that, I am thankful. My concern, however, is how much it had to do with being the right candidate versus the right race.

I think having an African American president is wonderful. Truly. I also think that having a woman president would be great. I'm happy that America can see beyond the color of someone's skin and gender to determine their worth, their qualifications.

So here we are. A part of history. Will you remember where you were, what you were doing, and the feeling that accompanied this momentous occasion in history? I will. It's very similar to 9/11. I did not vote for our new president. I also have hope, I also seek change. I truly hope that the change that America is seeking brings unity, brings peace, brings hope, and brings change.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Halloween Hauntings

Halloween was great! It was a nice break, a nice relaxing evening. Fun was had by all, including the cutest little monster on the planet. Isn't he cute??? He was drooling on Dr. Anita Plezure. So we had to put a spit block in place. He's so snuggly and soft and sweet and special. Aww man. He's so darn cute. I can say that. He's not mine. But I like to claim him anyway.

Below are some more pictures from the infamous evening.

The monster and his 80's lady mommy.

Caramel Apple Martini's are a great way to celebrate fall!

So, S would KILL me, and I'm sorry, but this pic is sooo us. Totally contrary and yet totally connected. Who knew?

Thanks for a great time Sweets! It was just what the doctor ordered!

Have a Spooktacular Day!

It's shortly after midnight and I just couldn't wait a minute longer. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! I love this day. It's a good excuse for grown ups to dress up silly, or spooky, or sleezy, or not at all. It's your choice. Today I'm going as Dr. Ima Hack. :) Or maybe it's R.U. Stoopid, M.D. Either way, it's gotta be GRated during the day. At night my alter ego R.U. Wett, M.D. will make her appearance. Actually I think I'll trash that name and goes as the Love Doctor. What am I supplying? Funny you should ask. Condoms, candy and mini tubes of flavored lube. Sound like fun? Aw heck. My outfit is uber tame and frankly, sometimes I just wanna let my hair down and have a little fun.

I'm also planning to do some haunting on my friend and neighbor. And maybe BOO somebody too! You never can tell! Could it be you? Mwahahahahaa!

Happy Haunting!

Ready, ready, ready to run!!

So, a friend, ex co-worker, acquaintance (?) came out and fixed my computer tonight. I was having issues running Microsoft Office. Success was accomplished and I am up and running! The cost? Dinner. I made a fabulous lasagna, salad and bread. He was happy, I was happy. And now, I can work. Work, work, play and work. lol.

So, now I'm busy working on my resume. A boring snoozefet one for Word users, and a snazzy publisher one for those who can open a pdf. Lol. Rock out with your cock out. Wait, does that apply? lol. I don't think so, but I'm so ready to get this up and moving. MOVING. Let's roll.

Next on the agenda is researching networking goods and getting my name and occupation out there. I don't know how much more I can handle right now. But I'm trying to get all my ducks in a row so that I will actually have work and income when we arrive in Alaska. Woot!'

Tomorrow we have the unpleasant task of telling our landlords and friends that we'll be moving. The problem is that we're breaking our lease, in the dead of winter. We'll see how that goes. We're going to try to offer to pay rent as long as possible, but I'm not made of endless money, especially without a job, so we'll see how it goes. Yikes.

Anyway, despite this horrid headache, nasty cold and the added stress, I'm great!! lol.

It just keeps getting harder

I know it's silly getting attached to things. They are, after all, just things. However, after you've worked and toiled and worked some more to have something of your own in this world, it's hard to let it ALL go. On top of that my Woobs is going too. We just can't make her travel 3000+ miles. It wouldn't be fair. To her. But it breaks my heart.

Tonight we sold our ATV. We've only owned it for a bit over a year. But it's been a long time coming. Our first toy. And now, it's gone. Ugh. It's hard to sell off your stuff and put it all away. It's harder to sell it to friends, and watch bits and pieces of your life disappear. In your heart you know it's just, stuff. It's all replaceable. But in the end, it truly is a piece of our lives. And as much as it may not make sense, it's hard to part with every single thing you own.

In time we'll move forward and look back at all of this and laugh. I'm sure of it now. But right now it feels raw and real and painful. And even as I type I laugh and think what nonsense this all is.

Now, next task. Finding a place to live...

Sometimes it just needs to come out.

Okay, so. It's craziness here in our life right now. I'm not complaining, I do my best work when things are nuts. But sometimes keeping it all locked up is really, really hard. You see, I'm not a secret keeping person. I don't believe in them. It causes problems. I prefer to be up there and out there. Line. Toed. So, that makes keeping our moving plans close to heart, painful.

Our landlords are our good friends. And we have a lease. So, now I need to ask to break the lease and it's difficult. I have every intention of making it easy for them, and doing right by them. However, I know they'll be hurt, and angry and that bothers me. On top of that, her grandma passed as I talked about here. And so, it's all so much for them to handle. I feel guilty. And sad. And scared. I just don't want it to hurt our friendship. I truly appreciate them, and all that they have done for us. I'm afraid that they'll feel that we're taking advantage of our friendship. It's just bad timing, and what we have to do for our family. I'm not sure they'll "hear" that.

My job. They know Sparky was going to head up for the temp job. They don't know that temp job is no longer on the horizon, and that he's just accepted the permanent job. They know that he'll be going in January, but not me. It's not a great time for me to leave. But I must. And so I'm feeling guilt and stress with that.

It's all sitting on my shoulders. The pressure. The stress. I feel that I should be in a place to feel excited about our move, but I'm not. I'm just feeling that everyone is disappointed. I just want support, and understanding, and I don't get much of that. Okay, done whining now. lol.

Ups and Downs and Bumps in the Road

Well, it's been a while since I've been here. I've been busy. Swamped actually. We've started the purge. We've rented a storage unit and we're preparing to fill it to the brim. I've been giving stuff away, planning to pack, cleaning out and dividing it up. And it feels so, so good.

On many other notes, it's been a pretty crappy week. Sparky's aunt Judy has been given 2 months to live. Cancer. Damn cancer. She's sweet, and strong, and she's not giving up the fight. We're saddened, and hopeful, after all, miracles do happen every day, right? Please pray.

My friend Cindy's Gram passed last week. They laid her to rest on Monday a.m. I know that Grams has found peace, and she's dancing in the arms of her beloved husband. But I know the pain, the grief and the loss is there amongst her family. Grams was a very special lady, and she had a very special bond with Cindy and Indy. She will be missed, and so fondly and lovingly remembered. Rest in peace Gladys.

So, I may have found a potential place for us to live in Alaska. It's, um, not exactly what I was hoping for, but it has promise. Is that the word? Um, yeah, promise. So, it's food for thought. The price is right, they would allow my dog, and it's cleanable. We'll see. We'll wait and see. But, honestly, we want to keep the rent low, as heating and living is costly. And well, I'm going to be jobless. JOBLESS. Do you understand? Without job. No income. Of my own. OMG. It's been a long time since I've been jobless. Long time. But I plan to work. As a virtual assistant, from home. And hopefully go to school.

My friend Tammy, at a new blogspot that I do not yet know the name of, has challenged me. She picked it up from some brilliant lady bloggers (which I'll find and reference) and anyway, she's challenged me to document my life in one photo per day, for 365 days. GAME ON!! So, I'll be picking a start date and getting ready to go!

Nutty...Batty...Insane...Crazy...

A little bit of humor at a not-so-humerous time.

My friend and neighbor Cindy has been having a rough couple of weeks. Her grandma is passing, and it's sad. When visiting her grandma at the hospital they learned that Grams had been moved to the psychiatric wing of the hospital due to renovations on her previous accomodations. So, Cindy and Indy (her service dog) made their way to the 4th floor to find Grams. As they were visiting, the cell phone of Cindy's sister began to ring. Being the person she is, Cindy decided that she should deliver the phone to the family room where her mom and sister were taking a break.

Cindy reaches down and attaches the leash to Indy's collar. Off they go, ringing phone in hand. She holds the leash tight against her body with both hands, as to keep Indy close at hand. They arrive, they deliver and they march back down the hall toward Grams room. About 20 feet from Grams doorway a nice nurse greets Cindy, as she bends down towards the end of the leash she looks up at Cindy and says in a sing-songy voice "is there a dog on here?" Cindy looks at her with confusion evident in the crinkled place between her eyes. She looks down to her side only to discover that Indy is NOT there. Gone. Cindy glances up in panic, surely she's not crazy, and insists that there really is a dog. The nurse follows her back to Grams room, where Indy is perched next to Grams waiting patiently for Cindy's return.

Grams (supposedly on her death bed) peers out through one squinty eye and says "she's been here all along."

I wonder who felt more ridiculous...the nurse or Cindy? lol.

Hoping you got as much of a chuckle as I. Although I will admit, it was more than a chuckle. I cried.

I'm It

Melissa at Full Circle tagged me. What I'm supposed to do is tell you 6 unknown things about me, and then tag 6 other bloggers. However, my following is small, and since Melissa sent it to me, and she in turn tagged Amber at Crazy Bloggin' Canuck, my only other loyal bloggie follower. I'm shit out of luck! Check out their blogs for their thrilling dislcosures!

1. When I was between the ages of 8 my most frequent, fervent dream was to marry Bo Duke. Of course, age wasn't a factor then...

2. If life had been different, I would have hoped to have had 4 children. I've always wanted a large family.

3. I want to own one pair of Christian Laboutin's in my lifetime. Just one.

4. I haven't shared my blog with many of my IRL friends. Only one. Maybe it's time to go public!

5. I'm not a very patient person. This of course would have been an issue if I had indeed has those four children.

6. I LOVE HOCKEY!! I love the agility of the players, the constant go, and just the brute force needed to get that little puck in the net!

Phew. I'm an open book, so it's rare to have something about me that's unknown. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. Happy Fall!

Rocky Mountain High

Two of the best years of my life were spent in Colorado. I loved it there. LOVED it. There are many reasons for my love for Fort Collins and Colorado. The mountains alone could cause me to write post after post of gushing sentiments. But Colorado is where Sparky and I became a family. Where he realized his desire to be a father, and where our dreams were inevitably shattered. And when things got hard, we ran. We ran back "home". And we've regretted it ever since.

We tried. We really did try to make "home" our home. But it's not. Minnesota is toxic for us. Not because it isn't beautiful, not because there isn't opportunity, or medical care, um, we do have the Mayo clinic people. Kings and Queens have been treated there. But it's just not right. And how do you explain this to your family, your friends that have made their homes here? You just don't. Because sometimes you just can't explain it all.

Yesterday I heard from my good friend Kristin. Long distance and families, and lives, and schedules have made it difficult to keep in touch as much as we'd like. But I still miss her. Everyday. It's been five years since we drove out of Colorado and I'm afraid to go back. Why? Because I know if I do, I will NEVER come back here. I miss Horsetooth Reservoir and the park we used to hike nearly daily there, I miss our old neighborhood where we'd take our 9 p.m. walk every single night, I miss my job. I had the BEST job there. And I loved it. I miss my independence, my freedom, the healthy, busy lifestyle. I miss golf on Christmas Eve and renting a limo with friends to view the Christmas lights. I miss our friends, the opportunity, the SUN, camping up Poudre canyon, Red Feather Lakes, our drives to tip top of the mountains. I miss the elk, and Estes and...see what I mean? I miss it all!

In my opinion, John Denver was a genius. I miss my Rocky Mountain High...

I'm still here

I haven't forgotten, I'm just feeling really overwhelmed with everything going on right now. My head is spinning. There are passports to be applied for, and rushed, and just mountains and mountains of things to think about. I need to find a place to live...with the dog...and find out how to make money, and....oy. I'll be back another day when I'm not quite so whiny, and I have something intelligent to say. Happy day!

Fall Fun

There's not much time left to enjoy our last fall in Minnesota. At least for awhile. Enjoy the view! This is our favorite time of year...

Hunky Hubby took me on a Sunday ride along the river

Mud rollin' sneaky kitty

My sweet retrieving girl.

Finally some color!

Fattening the Koi and Goldfish up for the winter freeze

Relationships

I apologize in advance. This is going to be a very long post. Very long.

A life is built around relationships. Many layers. Like making a lasagna. The first bond, the most elemental is that of a child and her mother. As we grow our entire lives are formed around the world that our mothers create for us. My childhood was great. Safe and nurturing. Idyllic really. And then I grew up.

My greatest crime in life was becoming my father's daughter. My mom and I have always had a rocky relationship. My dad and I have always been close. And just because my mom and I don't see eye to eye all the time, or let's face it, on much. That doesn't mean we don't love each other. We've had our highs, and a lot of lows, but in the end, I love her. Maybe more because of all our differences.

As we've aged, my relationships with my brothers have changed as well. This is a little more complicated. My younger brother, The Law, and I have always remained close. Part of that is care and interest on both sides, and part of that is just because. I think the two of us are a little more laid back. Or a little more forgiving. Then there's my older brother. The Stubborn One (TSO). TSO and I didn't like each other in high school, after he graduated we became very close. Then he met The Accountant. I was not her biggest fan. And then I got to know her. She became my sister, and they've been married for 15 years. Now, the point. TSO won't speak to me. I really don't have any idea why. None. I'm clueless. Dad tells me that it's because of a conversation he had with Sparky (my hubby) 4 years ago. Yes, I did say 4 years ago. So, I guess I'm just collateral damage in that relationship. I've tried reaching out. Phone calls, emails, emails, emails, but TSO's not interested in talking. So, I'll wait. I miss him though. I really do. I hope someday, soon, we'll be able to mend the damage that's been done.

Now, on to the real reason for my post. Relationships of all kinds. In some relationships you're an equal partner, in others, you give more, or they give more. About 2 years ago I decided that I'm wasn't going to be that friend. "That Friend" being the person who gives endlessly without getting anything in return. I've done that in a lot of relationships. In the end, I'm always the one that ends up with the hurt feelings.

This approach is great in theory. However, I have let some good friendships go because of it. In some ways, I'm bothered by that. I don't know what I want, closure maybe? I'm not sure. I'm always sad when a friendship ends. I'm loyal. Like a damn dog. Seriously. Really. Probably to a fault. But I take my relationships seriously. I believe in maintaining friendships. Nurturing them. Some of the people in my life don't feel the same way. So, at some point I just have to let go. Then I feel bad, like I'm the one that them down.

There's one friendship in particular that bothers me. I don't know why it ended. She was busy, so was I. I think we were both okay with that. I enjoyed her friendship. I enjoyed the time we were able to have with eachother. It was easy. Relaxed. Fun. And then...I don't know what happened.

Because life got in the way, our friendship ended. I feel badly about that. I don't know how to fix it. And sometimes I wish I could just know if she felt the same way. We have a mutual friend/acquaintance that plays a role, I'm certain. She took my friendship, twisted it up, and then stomped on it. She hurt me, the way friends should never hurt friends. She was a reason that I was initially okay with this other friendship going to the wayside. But now I realize that fear was talking. I don't like to be hurt. I don't like when people use my life against me. And I'm sorry that I ever trusted her or let her in. So now, instead of defending a good friendship. I let it go. But then again...so did she.

I value my friends. I have great friends. We all have different lives, different backgrounds, and different ideas of the perfect life. What we share is a love for life, laughter, and occasionally, some heavy drinking. lol. I may not have time to incorporate all my friends in my daily life, but I find ways to let them know they're valued, and so do they. My friends are smart, confident, caring women. Thank you to all my real friends. For finding time for me.

A perfect autumn day

Today was a glorious day in Southern Minnesota. Just beautiful. Since tomorrow we are predicted rain I decided that it would be a great idea to skip cleaning the house and run away to enjoy the day. That is EXACTLY what we did. We started the morning with a walk in the woods. Just me, Ches and Sparky.

After our walk in the woods we checked the status of our deer eaten beets and swiss chard. Thankfully we'll still have beets, they only nibbled the tops off. Once the damage was assessed we meandered back to the house where I prepared breakfast. We showered, let Ches do a little fishing in the back pond, and let the cat out to hunt and roam. Luckily the only thing she "hunted" was the already-deceased bird on the side of the house.

Once we were showered and primped we headed to the outlet mall to buy warm things for our Alaska endeavor. It doesn't seem real to me yet. What's even more frightening is that our Alaska summers will feel more like Minnesota autumns, then true muggy Minnesota summers. And strangely, this excites me.

I love autumn in Minnesota. The weather cools, the humidity falls, and for a brief moment of time I get to experience some good hair moments. lol. Sweatshirts and jeans are my most comfortable wardrobe. Before the leaves vacate the trees completely, and the tree tops look like they're on fire. The shades of yellow, orange and red. The air smells crisp and clean. In the distance you can hear the gaggles of geese calling and they fly in a perfect V formation overhead just skimming the tops of the highest tree.

The above photo is an actual photo of autumn in Minnesota. It's not taken here, but along the North Shore near Duluth. Isn't it glorious?

Cha-cha-changes

It seems that everything in our world is changing right now. So, I say to myself, why not do a major extreme makeover on my ass. Why not? Life's short. Live fully or not at all. Enter change #752. Actually, I don't mind at all. It's really been a long time coming, and it's not something that I'm going to do to totally shock my body. I need to ease into it.

I will also, eventually, have to start my meds. Metformin. 2000mg daily is the goal. I will start with 500 mg working up to the desired amount. So, what's the problem? Well, let's see, it makes me, um, really, um, sick. Let's just leave it there. It will eventually (supposedly) make me feel better but initially it makes me feel like shit. Pure shit. No pun intended. lol.

In my opinion a large, perhaps the largest part of the infertility game is mental. It's hard. It's tiring. No, tiring is NOT the word, exhausting. It is EXHAUSTING. For me, it's the one thing that makes me put all my cards in, or out, at one time. It's just so hard to overcome. That's when the anger, resentment and self-pity come in. However, as a woman who wants a child/ren, I don't feel that I can let this rest until I do my best to become pregnant.

After that if it doesn't happen then I will happily run towards the nearest adoption agency. I really don't know what it is, but I feel I'm destined to adopt. I know, sounds strange, but don't you dare judge it until you've lived it. I feel that at least part of my family will be built through adoption. I'm really excited about that.

So, as I sit here waiting for sleep to grab hold, sipping my raspberry zinger tea with soymilk, I know that someday (hopefully soon) I'll be yearning for these days as I nurse an infant, comfort a toddler, scold a pre-teen...I can't wait.

Tuesday Top Ten- Vacations

Welcome to Tuesday's Top Ten. These are my top ten vacation destinations and why. Aren't you intrigued? Ha!

10. Greece- Where to start? Olives, beaches of Mykonos, coastline drenched in white houses in Santorini, feta cheese. Mix all of that with the mystique of the Greek gods and mythology, what isn't to love?

9. Las Vegas- VEGAS BABY!!! I love all things Vegas. Tacky fuzzy dice, strip clubs, gambling (if nickel slots count), Elvis impersonators, and more topless women than one could possibly count. Now, that makes me sound a little tacky, but there are also world class shops to window shop, shows, shows, shows, and even though Celine is gone, I'm sure we could find something decent to watch.

8. England- This is a recent addition to my schedule. I'm just beginning to explore all that England has to offer. And who wouldn't love a country with a woman in control! lol. All kidding aside, Big Ben, The Tate Modern, The Natural History Museum. It's all just the tip of the iceberg.

7. Spain- I would love to see Spain. LOVE IT. Of course, I don't feel the experience would be complete without witnessing the running of the bulls. Now, I would never in a million years take part in it, but to see it would be fascinating, and scary as hell. The National Parks, the castles, wouldn't it be lovely?

6. Conneticut- What a change of pace, huh? I have this picture in my mind of Conneticut in the fall. Apples, foliage, and lots of people in sweater sets. Okay, so maybe my vision is a little too much Baby Boom, but I would still love to explore Conneticut in the fall. Find some fabulous B&B as we amble along just finding whatever we come across.

5. New York City- So, New York. In order to accomplish all the things that I would love to do I would prefer to live in NYC for about a year. I want to see it all. All. I would love to attend a fashion show, tour fabulous penthouse apartments, and eventually have a chance to design and decorate them. I would love to spend a considerable amount of time at the Waldorf Astoria, Rockefeller Center at Christmas, and all the touristy things there are. I would love to see show after show on Broadway, visit Serendipity for some frozen hot chocolate, and just visit every museum, park, nook and cranny. Just thinking about it makes me heart beat just a little faster.

4. Germany- I spent 2 weeks in Southern Germany when I was in high school. Not long after the fall of the Berlin wall. I would LOVE to have a chance to explore more castles, visit my host family and see how they've changed and grown. I want to amble through the countryside and find the village where the houses are each painted with a different fairy tale, and I would KILL for some spaghetti eis in Holzwickede. I'd love to find the discotheque in Munich where I tasted my first dark brew, and I'd love to go for the passion play in Garmisch-Partenkirchen. The costuming is fantastic and I would love to watch it in the ancient stone theatre where it's dramatized. I'd love to show it to my husband.

3. Norway- The land of my forefathers. Well, half of them at least. When I picture Norway I envision sweeping cliffs cloaked in emerald green poking out over the ocean. I don't know much about Norway but I would love to explore all that it has to offer. Perhaps even track down some distant relatives.

2. France- This is where the other half of my forefathers lived. Well, perhaps it was my foremothers. Ha! I dream of sipping some fabulous champagne in the City of Lights, chateaus, museums, wine, some more wine, and oh, maybe some wine. I'd love to shop and shop, and maybe find myself a nice little Louis. Hmmm...a girl can dream.

1. New Zealand- After seeing scenery from the Lord of the Rings I became smitten with New Zealand. It quickly climbed to the top of my list and I'm looking forward to exploring every last inch of this island. Someday...

I want to be a pumpkin farmer...

Can y0u picture me in overalls, with my pitchfork in hand? Some of those who know me would say that it's an odd match of a profession for me, and others would think that it would fit perfectly. But two years ago I was obsessed with being a pumpkin farmer. OBSESSED. I still have a very detailed business plan waiting...just in case I should happen to stumble upon acres of land.

This time of year. Autumn. It leaves me longing for my school days and my hometown. However, something's are only meant to be memories. Sometimes are much, much better than the reality. I love Hometown, I love the feeling I get when I drive down mainstreet, I love that I recognize faces in faces, I love that I feel at home there. However, there are things about Hometown that would be difficult to embrace. Some of the things that I love, are also some of the things that keep me away. I'm fortunate, I guess, that two of my closest friends, and most of my family still live in the area. So, I get the best of both worlds. I get to visit, whenever I'd like, and I get to leave, when the familiar feeling closes in on me.

I still love the idea of working the land, turning the pumpkins to maintain their perfectly round shape, to grow and welcome, and show and guide. The activities, the food, the comforts of home. But I can have those with or without my pumpkin farm. Ahhh, autumn in my state. It truly can't be beat.

Another Year Passes

Yesterday was Sparky's birthday. Birthday's here are hard days. This year was particularly hard because he was stricken with the flu. Being laid up in bed leaves you plenty of time to reflect on all the unaccomplished things in life. To be fair, I cannot imagine all the things that comprise his list, but I know this, he misses not having a child as much as I. I know. Because he told me.

Tonight I watched Then She Found Me. It's a movie starring Helen Hunt, by Helen Hunt. It also co-stars Bette Midler, Matthew Broderick and Colin Firth. It's an okay movie for the average viewer. It was intriguing to me. Intriguing because it addresses infertility (although briefly) and adoption. In fact the whole movie is about adoption. But it addresses the process. The process of moving from trying to conceive to adoption.

Most people assume that if they aren't able to have bio children they'll "just adopt." Well, I can tell you. It's not that easy. It's not a simple decision. It's not something that you "just" do. Adoption has been a part of my life forever. But, for me, knowing that it may be possible to have a bio child makes me question that maybe I'm not trying hard enough, loving enough, etc. It's not an automatic progression. Some choose to move to adoption. Some adopt embryos, others adopt infants and older children.

A lot of people don't understand the mental portion of the game. Infertility kicks your ass. It makes you question everything that you've always taken for granted. I mean your fertility is your one sure thing. Right? Not. So, now after you've been knocked down and knocked down, you are rated, inspected and investigated. It's a normal process, anyone would want the best home, a safe home, for any child. However, after infertility it feels like an even larger invasion into your life.

I had to work through the emotions of it all. I'm still working through the emotions of it all. Most days I realize what a sacrifice, what a gift it is for the birth parents to choose to let someone else raise their child. Other days I feel judged. Subjectified. Why is it fair that someone who doesn't want their child is allowed to discern if I'm good enough? It's not me. I know that's not the real scenario. But sometimes it's how I feel. And I won't feel guilty. Why should I? My sure thing was taken from me.

Sparky recently told me that he didn't think we'd have a bio child. That he believes we'll adopt. But, he said he is sad about that, because he'd love to see what a bio child of ours would look like. Let me tell you this. It was a kick in the stomach. Figuratively of course. But I felt it. Emotionally and physically.

I know that I will love all of my children equally and very, very deeply. I know from being surrounded by friends and family, that biology is not what makes love exist. I hope someday I'm blessed with a child. Hopefully more than one. I would like to experience pregnancy, I would like the entire experience. But I know now that if adoption is the path I'm supposed to follow, I will feel complete, happy, and fulfilled. Sometimes you just have to trust those unanswered prayers.

The New Love of my Life

Oh my Goodness. This my friends, is the new love of my life. Of course, he and his big sister Spunky (and my niece and nephews) are tied for that position, but isn't he gorgeous? Absolutely perfect. I fell in love months ago, but today I became a smitten kitten.

He's a true and honest blessing. Mom & baby are healthy, happy and resting. I'm so thankful that they're both doing alright. Congratulations Sassy & Jay.

Happy Birthday Rocco! We love you!

Tuesday Top Ten

My Top Ten Movies and Why

10. Wedding Crashers Who wouldn't love a movie with Vince Vaughan and Owen Wilson? I could live without all the boobs, but all in a great movie. Of course with Isla Fisher and Rachel McAdams, this for me is the ultimate movie.

9. StepMom It was difficult for me to narrow down all the Julia Roberts movies that I love. There are so many of them. However, this movie, the setting, the topic, the kids, and Ed Harris. Yummy, yummy Ed Harris. <<>>

8. Sense & Sensibility I love every single version of this movie. It's absolutely divine. I love pre-20th century pieces. English accents, carriages, snobbery, gowns, and those silly little short pants the gentleman wore. Divine.

7. Sound of Music Julie Andrews & Christopher Plummer. Never was there a more perfect on screen union. I love the setting, the constant strains of Edel Weiss, and the castles. It makes me remember my days in Germany, seeing the effect of the concentration camps and Nazi Germany, and makes me long for a sequel, even though it would be about their great grandchildren at this point.

6. The Devil Wears Prada This is the ultimate dumpy girls guide to femininity. I love that I can watch and see and indulge every materialistic bone in my body watching this movie. Of course, the fact that I could never exist on 6 almonds for breakfast is most likely why I don't have a size 4 ass. Perhaps someday soon my ass will be smaller, but I highly doubt it will ever be a size 4.

5. Elf Whenever I need to just all out laugh. This is my go to movie. "I like smiling, smilings my favorite". Will Ferrell rocks. Always. The Christmas setting doesn't hurt this movie either, but it really is just awesome. Reindeer, spaghetti with syrup, carols in the park, and men in tights. Awesome, awesome movie.

4. The Holiday Jack Black, Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz and Jude Law. What a totally funky cast of characters. But, it's brilliant and it works so, so well. I don't even like Cameron Diaz that much, and Jude Law isn't my favorite after the nanny boffiing business, but I love this movie. It's great. Jude's character comes across as kind, shy, loving, and slightly a player until you understand him. And his accent. <> Jack Black is always great. Kate Winslet makes you want to be her, and Cameron, while neurotic is loveable and laughable.

3. Family Stone This movie proves that every family tree is full of nuts. However, I want to be Karla Stone. Seriously people, if you are going to have a wacky, nutty, slightly off kilter family, this is the one you want to be a part of. The cast of characters is fantastic. Rachel McAdams, Luke Wilson, Craig T. Nelson, Diane Keaton, Claire Danes...fantastic. Love it.

2. The Notebook I don't think there's a woman in America who wouldn't have this movie in their top 10. Every teenage girl's wet dream come true. I love Ryan Gosling & Rachel McAdams. The ending is sad, but the story is worth it. Truly a love story.

1. Sweet Home Alabama This is my home sweet home movie. Everytime I'm feeling homesick for Hometown I pop this one in. It truly blends the roots and wings philosophy of the whole movie. And who doesn't love Patrick Dempsey, Josh Lucas, Reese Witherspoon, Candice Bergen? Just a really feel good movie...and with Lynard Skynard as a base, it's just really Sweet! :)

'Til Later!

Career Day

My job. Is just that. Just a job. It's not something that I love. Or hate. But I don't like it. Not because the job is difficult, not because I work with rude or inconsiderate people, nope, my job is just the opposite. I'm bored. And I don't fit. I just...don't. I can't really explain it. A large part of my job is accounting, which I hate, loathe. If I had known what a large part of the job it was, I most likely would have turned it down. Accounting, for me, sucks. Sucks donkey dick. I hate it. So, I try to overcome it.

The people. The people are the only reason I'm there. Okay, the benefits factor in there, but the people are super nice. Very nice. Except, they're nothing like me. Our personalities don't match. They're kind, they're quiet, dreadfully, frightfully quiet, and frankly. I. just. don't. fit.

So, this has got me thinking. I have a lot of time left before I can retire. A lot. So, I need to re-evaluate and figure out when, where, and how I"m going to do it. I want to design. Spaces. Interiors. Homes. My father of course thinks this is the single most ridiculous thing he's heard. He has never met anyone that's hired an interior designer. Bar the fact that I grew up, and my parents still live in, a town of 200 people in the middle of Butt Fuck Egypt. Good heavens. People in my life have absolutely no faith in me. None. Whatsoever.

So, in between my dad lecturing me in the middle of Hobby Lobby, I decided. I'm going to go to school. I'm going to get my degree. I'm going to change my life. Change it. Forever. I've waited and waited for my kids to go to school so I could go to school, and let's face, those damn kids got lost somewhere. lol. So, I've started researching schools, and programs, and well, everything. After we get settled I plan to start. Looks like I'm going to have a very busy year!

13 Things

In an effort to let you understand all my quirks and jerks, here are 13 things about me you may have guessed, may know, and may not have had a clue! Enjoy!

1. At 18, I thought I was an old maid and I'd NEVER get married. 3 mos. later I met the love of my life...and thought of him more of a one night stand. Boy, my radar was ba-roke.

2. I was Miss Hometown. But I didn't actually win the crown, it was a hand-me-down crown. I was first (or second) runner up and was crowned at someone's house. Lame. But I thought I was a rockstar.

3. If my dad had boobs or I was bald and male, we'd be twins.

4. At one point in my life I wanted to be a mortician.

5. My brother and my husband have the same name.

6. I love The Hills.

7. When I was 6 I wanted to change my name to Kimberly.

8. I've had my best friend since Kindergarten.

9. I really want to go back to school for Interior Design.

10. I'm afraid that I'll never be a mom.

11. I was in 4-H and took my pig (yes, oinker) to the State Fair.

12. I didn't get my drivers license until I was 17.

13. I'd love to live in New York City...if only for a year.

The Women

So, I went to see this movie tonight. I had relatively few expectations seeing that I hadn't heard that much about it. I have to admit, the fact that it was set in New York (one of my obsessions) and starred Meg Ryan, I was drawn. On that alone. You should certainly check it out here.

See it. Definitely see it. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not some deep, artsy piece. However, it made me contemplate the relationships with my friends. It made me learn and grow, just a little, and really is just a fun movie about women. I laughed, I cried, and I will definitely buy it when it comes out on DVD. Get your friends together and go see this movie!

Please.

I'm having a hard time. I admit it. Nothing in life is easy, but lately it seems that our life is a giant hamster wheel and we're getting no where fast. No. Where. I swear that every single person I know is pregnant, just had a baby, a new grandparent, a newly expectant grandparent, and frankly, I want to scream. SCREAM. Top of my lungs, raspy throat, blood curdling scream. Ugh. Enough already.

This situation is of course exacerbated by the fact that my dear friend is pregnant which I wrote about here. And I am really, truly excited for Bubba to arrive. So, why? Why do I feel like it may never happen for me? Why do I not get to experience the pure elation, the swollen ankles, the exhileration and exhaustion of a newborn. Why?

You know. Most of the time I can put it behind me. But it's getting harder. Each day I grow older, I grow more scared, and I grow more tired. Why hope? Why dream? So many of my hopes and dreams have been dashed. There is never enough time, enough money, enough will power, enough...me. What makes me not enough? Why was I chosen and not someone else? Someone else less worthy of the love of a child.

Most days I like to believe that God had a bigger plan. Not a better plan, just a bigger one for me. But some days it's hard to see the silver lining in the dark heaviness over head. Sometimes, I just want it to happen, without having to cry, to poke, to prod, to hurt, to bargain.

I want to be a mom. More than anything in the world. I only need one. Please.

Have you forgotten?

Having been raised in a very small town in Northwestern Minnesota, I was fairly sheltered in my youth. So perhaps that's why 9/11 affected my life so greatly.

I will never forget that day. 9/11/2001. We had just moved to Colorado and we were living a thousand miles from our families and friends. I went to work that morning as normal and as I was sitting at my desk, the phone rang. It was Sparky. He was shaken, and he told me that a plane hit the World Trade Center. I remember being struck with disbelief and so we turned on the radio and listened.

That day work was forfeited to the grief, wonder, and ponderance of life in a country that had fallen prey to terrorists. As the days passed I remember feeling vulnerable and scared. Then the worst news affected us. My younger brother The Law had been deployed. Luckily he would remain in the states and not be shipped overseas like so many others. However, it was frightening and disturbing at such an uncertain time.

There is no one in this country that has not been affected. So many have loved and lost, and gave without a second thought. And though we may not have the closure that so many have hoped, prayed and gave for, I pray that all Americans will support our troops, no matter which side of the war they stand on.

God Bless America.

Say a little prayer for me...

So, the past few days have been stressful. Everytime we think we have the world by the balls something pops up. And you would begin to hope that it's something positive and wonderful. Umm...not so much. So, today, the window of opportunity is opened. We're searching for solutions and determined not to give up. If you have an extra minute could you throw a little prayer in for Sparky?

'Til Later.

A Hitch In Our Giddy Up

So, something you should know about my life is that it's never been easy. Now, don't get me wrong, there are many, many, many people out there who have it much worse than I do. But let's face it, I always take the long road to get where I"m going. Always. Unfortunately, it happens to Sparky by association as well.

Alaska has turned down his receiprocity. It's ridiculous really, and no fault of his own. Just a stupid, antiquated, senseless state law they have. So, Plan B is on the horizon. We're still trying to work out all the particulars, but we're smart people, we'll make it work. In time we'll figure out how and when it's supposed to happen, and then we'll move forward again. Until then, we sit and wait and stew. This situation is HIGHLY stressful, but it's worth it. Or, I hope it is anyway.

"Til Later,
K

Religion and Politics

I'm not a religious fanatic, or an overly controversial person. I believe in God, and I believe that certain things are personal. Politics and religion are personal. So then why is it that EVERYWHERE I go, I'm bombarded with false information. Let's face it people, they are ALL politicians. Don't you think the phrase "honest politician" is a little contradictory?

As a Christian, I believe in your right to not believe in God. It scares me to death. But that's my issue. However, why is it as a Christian and a conservative I'm considered uneducated and lacking in common sense? They're beliefs people. Not only are they intensely personal, but they are most likely going to change and morph as you age, mature, grow and learn. I learned a long time ago to never say never. Unless you're living someone else's life you don't know how you'll react until it actually happens to you.

Buy a clue. Keep your opinions to yourself. And stop thinking you're superior in any way. I don't care what you're religious or political beliefs and standings are as long as you're a considerate, thoughtful person. When you think you have "proof" of one thing or another, you don't. Unless you were there, experienced it with them, or experienced it yourself, you don't have a right to judge me, or my beliefs.

She's having a baby...

So in all the drama with Alaska, I have neglected to update you on my life. My good friend, S, is expecting her second child in the coming weeks, possibly days. I'm fortunate that I have good friends. The road of infertility is hard, and I've been shocked by the callousness of people I allowed into my life. Those who have taken my innermost private feelings and used them against me. Some of my "friends" have taken my reactions, my feelngs, and used them to turn others against me, or make me seem like less of a friend because of them. These people are no longer a part of my life.

Back to S. When she was expecting her first child, Spunky, she was gracious enough to include me in every portion of the pregnancy. I was even there when we found out that Spunky was a girl. To the average person it may not seem like a very big deal, but to me, a woman that's only had the privilege of seeing ovaries and a uterus via ultrasound, seeing that flutter, that beating, pulsing heart, was one of dreams. To see that little gummi bear moving and waving was fantastic. After Spunky was born I spent more time there than at home, but I was connected to her, and to S. She allowed me a special place through her pregnancy, a privilege I may never experience on my own, and for that I am truly thankful to her.

Move forward 2.5 years. S is ready to have child #2. She and hubby try the first month and she receives a negative pregnancy test. Spunky was conceived on the first shot, so this was her first negative. She was devastated. The first one, or ten, are always hard. Luckily, the next month's timing turned out to be better and we found out that Bubba was on his way. Again, S has included me. The situation is slightly different this time, but seeing, feeling, touching him (and unavoidably her) she's allowed me once again to live it with her. It's simple really. She wouldn't have to do it. But I'll be forever thankful to her for that.

Last night I sat and watched her belly move. I watched as Bubba stretched and pushed. I helped her time a couple of contractions. And even though I saw she was uncomfortable, I couldn't help but feel envious. To wonder, for just a moment, what it must feel like to feel him move, feel him push, and tug, and even though it's not always pleasant for her. And I wonder...will that ever be me?

'Til Later...