Busy Is An Understatement

Well, it seems that my life is about to get a little bit busier.  I referred to this subject in my last post, but didn't really "go" there as not to jinx myself.  Well, it's official.  I've been offered the position and I've accepted the assignment.  Here we go...full steam ahead.

What am I talking about?  I'll be working on base for a couple months.  I'm a temp employee working for Boeing, so I'm not employed by them, but by Volt Services.  A-okay.  The assignment will begin at 40 hours/week and it's expected to eventually become 60 hours/week.  We'll see.  Bottom line, it's only a couple of months and I can handle it. I've been skating by the past few months.

Now, I'm still keeping my permanent job at Durham Realty, I'll just be mixing around and adjusting my hours to accomodate my new schedule.  I told you my boss rocks.  Of course it's works out that we're slow this time of year.  And then when the temp job ends I'll start in on real estate classes.  Phew.  Told you I'd be busy. ;)

In addition, like I don't have enough going on, I've started my own business.  Sassy.  It's a fun job, developed just for fun, selling designer inspired handbags and accessories.  I dreamt copied the concept for parties that I've attended in the past.  And discovered that there are none here.  Open market. :)  Yay.  So, I tentatively now have 3 parties on the books.  We'll see if they pan out.

In between we'll continue to research and search adoption options.  And hopefully FINALLY decide on the path, avenue, trail that we're destined for.  I will admit it's been on the bottom of the list, but never far from my mind.  I guess maybe it's time for Brent to do some research.  LOL.  We'll see...

Last night I had dinner with a group of ladies that I'd never met before.  It was quite a mixed bag, and I generally find the fertile women a little bit much to deal with.  It could have been my frame of mind, or the delicious pinot grigio I was sipping, but the bouncy twenty-somethings with eggs ready-to-fire, didn't bother me much.  Eh, let 'em have 'em.   I don't need that particular super power.  Ha!  In all seriousness, I wish much to reproduction to those who can, will and want.  It's just that I believe in humor and sometimes you just have to laugh about it.  Seriously.

So, I guess it's just the way the wind blows.  I've spent so much time being angry, heart broken, and confused about it all, that it really feels good to just go with the flow.  See what happens.  Figure it out as the time comes.  And right now, I have forms to fill out, cups to pee in, and badges to get.  I'm busy.  And that's an understatement.

Have a happy day!

Just Rolling Along

Things are certainly better here than from my last post. I was feeling really down and discouraged, and tired, if you hadn't caught that the first 150 times I said it. LOL. But I'm feeling much better this week.

It could be the lovely weather we're having here, but it's most likely that things have slowed on the body front. Slowed, not stopped, but I do have more energy. I have been better about taking my vitamins and iron supplement, so that likely helps as well.

Other than that, we're just drifting along. No real decisions have been made on the adoption front, but I'm not pushing as we did agree to wait until winter to decide anything about the adoption. Meaning what avenue we will take. At this point it's a given that we'll be proceeding with adoption.

I'm a planner. So I'm trying not to obsess about every little detail. Like where the baby will sleep. And the fact that the "nursery" is a strange color and will be hard to decorate around. In fact, my plan is to not use it as a nursery at all. For now. I think we'll just plan on putting whatever baby comes along in our room, and we'll worry about the rest later. But as I said, I'm a planner and it's hard for me to do.

In an effort to keep busy and keep from obsessing about all things baby I'm starting a new business. I haven't announced this ANYWHERE so you'll be the first to know. I am placing my first real order tonight. I will be selling designer-inspired handbags and accessories. My business name is SASSY. Since it's a word that covers anything and that I use constantly. And I have my first party in the making...just waiting for the stuff to actually get here. So far, so good.

In addition, I have applied for a temp job on base. They called for a pre-interview, but who knows. It's anyones game at this point. It would be 60 hours/week for 2 months, give or take, and my full time job will allow me to adjust my hours to fit. So it's really a win-win. Now, whether they'll call or not, who knows. Anyway, it would allow us to bank some $, or take care of other bills, to make more money for baby. Yeah, I know...it always comes back to baby.

So, the 2nd room sits fairly empty, waiting for the decision. Do I make it a full-time office/guest room/project room or do I wait and make it a nursery/guest room. I'm thinking that it will serve a better purpose as an office. But I'm not making any snap decisions...

Have a happy day!

Tired, Tired and More Tired

I have PCOS. This is not new information, and for those of you who know me personally, or have followed along, I was diagnosed many, many years ago now. After all, we have been TTC for well over 9 years. Every year my body changes. Not so much externally, I've been heavy for years, and while I don't like it, I find it very difficult to follow a healthy lifestyle plan that ends in me losing a recognizeable amount of weight. I am, however, changing internally. And I'm worried. I don't speak about it, I pass it off as "normal for me", but the truth be told, it worries me. A lot.

I have have been menstrating since May 14. I have had one or two days, since that period of time, that I have been without bleeding. Now, to be fair, this is fairly normal for me. It ranges from gushing, to mere spotting, back to the former, and so on. I am exhausted. I'm mad. I'm mad at myself for not being strong enough to do something about it, and I'm mad at God for making me this way. Like most things in my life, I feel if I ignore it, it will go away. It won't. And I have to face it. Head on. But I'm scared.

The thing that sucks the most? It's not the weight that is my foremost concern. It is important, probably most important, but I know that inevitably I will need a hysterectomy. While I'm looking forward to that day, when I can claim my life back, I dread it as well. For if indeed a hysterectomy is what I need, my chances of ever having the chance of a bio baby is gone. Most days I can deal with that, or I thought I could. But now it's my reality, and it's a pretty big dose of truth to swallow.

I have a lot of work to do. Too bad I'm so tired. Time to up my iron supplement I guess. Here's to finding the good in everything...

Search Party

Well, as promised, or threatened depending how you look at it, I have been searching, searching and researching adoption information. There is a lot of information out there, and a lot of good, truthful, honest information, and I'm assuming an equal amount of dirty old jerks trying to rip off good people.

As I've been wading through information I was have been growing apprehensive and nervous. There is a lot to consider with parenting in general, but specifically with adoption. More than I anticipated, I think. Anyway, just when I was feeling down and discouraged, for oh, about the 199,987th time, I stumbled across a website that specializes in adoption finance. Financing is difficult with adoption. I have no house, so a home equity loan is out of question, and I can't really use a baby as collateral, can I? lol. I've been reading for an accurate expectation of what an "average" adoption costs. And well, the figures are all over the board. The best I can come up with is that the average cost is $15-45k. That's a huge difference. The first number is entirely doable the high end of that, makes me start hyperventilating!

Since Alaska has very few birth parents that place their children willingly, we are looking at other resources. One of those is a referral agency. So far, we're finding a number of available situations which is hopeful, but we're also finding that they're on the upper range of the aforementioned numbers. This is the part that is hard to swallow. I understand some of the fees, I'm not so keen on some of the others. I will pay any amount to make sure that the birthparents have adequate, and hopefully really good, counseling. I can only imagine what a life-changing decision this is, and the pain and emotional trauma associated with it.

But, I have an issue with living expenses. And it's legal, I've done research there. One birthmom was asking to have her dental work paid for, many others ask for living expenses, and while I understand their needs, I don't always understand how I, or the potential adoptive parents, are responsible for all their needs. We are providing a life, a home, an education for a child they cannot, or choose not, to parent. My head has a hard time wrapping around this, my heart says to just shut up and go for it. But I'm not independantly wealthy and I would like to send my kids to college... :)

Anyway, so more research to be done. And we'll find the process that's right for us.

Have a happy day!

Seasons Change Again

Fall is here! Well, fall is here and nearly over. I think that would be a better explanation of our weather here. But I'm not complaining. I'm soaking in every last single little bit of sunshine, and playing, playing, playing. That doesn't mean, however, that babies/kids/children/family aren't constantly on our minds. They have been for um, about 10 years now, so why should it be any different now.



We're still processing things. Doing research about our options, and trying to open our minds and expand our thinking beyond the boundaries we had previously set for ourselves, and for our family. Time does indeed heal all wounds, and brings closure to parts of our lives. For us, it's helped us realize what we want, and need perhaps, in a family. I certainly have come a long way in the years since we first began trying to build our family.



Sparky goes out of town next week and I'll use the extra time that I have, since he won't be here to haul me off into the woods, to do additional resource. Perhaps I'll even get brave and make some phone calls and inquiries. It's a scary business, to realize that with the right contact, the right decision, all of our dreams could come true.



Having a family is something that I always took for granted. And while I could dwell on the negatives of infertility I have a harder time doing that these days. There are too many things to be thankful for, so I try to focus on the positives, what I can do, what will happen, and what I can change about myself, my life. For 9 years my whole focus in life has been on babies. How to get them, why they weren't coming, and now, I'm happy to just live. Be happy, be present, let go and let God.

These days I'm active in our pursuit to become a slightly larger family, but I don't dwell. I'm filling up my life with new experiences, new goals, and a new focus on life. It's me time. I have never given myself the time to reach my potential. Whatever that may be. So, for now, I'm exploring, researching and just plain old having fun.

Have a happy day!

Highs and Lows

Well, it seems the world of fertility has been wonderful, and horrible, for many of my friends and family. While it's not my place to make announcements, I have had the wonderful joy of sharing in a pregnancy of a friend that has been waiting 10 long years for this moment. We are all hoping and praying that her little one is a sticky little bean.

With ups come downs, and a member of Sparky's family recently lost a baby. We keep them in our thoughts and prayers and hope that they will experience the joy of a happy and healthy pregnancy soon.

My womb continues to be barren, and I sometimes wonder if there might be a cobweb or two in there. But I am good. And looking forward to winter when we'll have time to do the research necessary to make the decision to move forward. It's hard to know what path to choose, but I'm confident that we'll make the right decision for our family.

I'm back online and hoping to update more regularly. Have a happy, happy day!!

Trucking Along...

Well, I've been confused. And well, a little discouraged, and then I stopped. Now we're trucking along...again. I think we'll wait until winter to make any big decisions. But it's good to know that we are just that much closer to having a child in our home.

There are many things that we'll have to think about, living in rural Alaska. But they're mini challenges and I refuse to give up just because things might not go according to my plan. Ha! Oh, that's funny. My plan. My plan no longer exists, and I'm a-okay with that! Now we have a new plan, and I'm pretty sure I won't miss the old plan at all!

The word is getting out now, and for the most part, I think just about everyone we know, and even some we don't know, know that we hope to add through our family through adoption. I've been doing more research, and soul searching, and hopefully soon we'll know which way to go.

We are facing our first challenge happily, and while we are now considering options that we wouldn't have considered before, I feel confident that it will only lead us to the right path. The one in which we are destined to take.

Have a happy day!

Baby Steps or Leaps and Bounds?

I'm stuck. I do this, I realize, and I know it's annoying. I go, go, go, then stop when I begin to feel slightly overwhelmed and confused. I'm not stopping permanently, I promise, we have been talking a lot, trying to figure out how to move forward.

This week we have been approached by a co-worker of Sparky's about taking in a 2 & 4 year old. I have no idea where she got this information, but apparently she knows of these toddler siblings that are eligible for adoption. I'm unsure of how I really feel about this. Part of me wants to jump, run to the nearest fingerprinting place and start the process yesterday. Part of me is scared silly at the thought of parenting two willfull toddlers at once. Instantly. So, we're pondering. And while I'm sure that these two little ones will find a good home, we are giving it serious thought and consideration.

We are also still considering searching for our own birthmother, or as a new development seeking adoption through the foster care system. We're reading, thinking and praying, and hoping that soon we will have the courage and confidence to push forward with whatever our decision will be. And I'm quite confident that it could, would and should be a combination of options.

So, that's our news. Hope you're having a happy day!

One Step Forward...Two Steps Back

Yesterday I had my meeting with a local adoption agency. To say that things did not go well, may have been the understatement of the century. Between bouts of the agent trying to talk me out of adoption, accusing me of being close-minded and stupid, and telling me time and time again that I have to be patient, I quickly decided that this was most certainly NOT the agency for us.

Bottom line, we will look for an agency in the Lower 48 that does placements in Alaska. With a lower population, especially in Central Alaska, there just aren't as many children to adopt. Now that I have a bigger playing field I will have more research to do, and of course it will depend if the agency does out of state placements. We do have a list of agencies to start with, and I guess tiem will tell.

We have also discussed possibly searching for our own birthmother, so we have a lot of thinking to do, and it should make for an exciting winter.

It is exciting, frightening and mind-boggling but I'm sure the excitement will help make it less scary, and once we get comfortable with the process it will hopefully become more clear.

Have a happy day!

Chachacha- Changes

A lot can change in the matter of days. It seems that things are finally starting to fall into place. Hallelujah!

We have rented a new home, with room for three. It's a quiet little place in the woods, not far from where we are now. 2 bedrooms, and cozy. But I can handle cozy. I have a job. And while it's not the big job I was hoping for, it's a job I love. So I'll take it.

On top of that, I finally scheduled an appointment with the agency in Fairbanks. Our appt will be on Monday, July 27. In the meantime I'm looking for my book so I know what to ask, expect, and what I should know. So we'll see how it is.

I am having some allergy issues, but I'm upbeat. I'm plugging away at the weight loss so I can be a happy, healthy, active mommy, and well, things are looking up. So up, up and away we go.

Have a happy day!

Up, Down, Up, Down

Can you see where I associate with the roller coaster? It's constant. One day I feel confident and secure in my decision, the next I get frustrated when things don't go my way. Apparently the day I wrote the last post I wasn't feeling any warm fuzzies. I am, however, happy to say that things are good.

I have found a job that I love. And no, it may not be what I was hoping for financially, but I feel fulfilled and I'm happy. We have decided to push forward. I have no idea how long the process will take, and my only major issue right now is that our living arrangements haven't changed, and that will probably delay our homestudy process.

We're both tired of waiting. We've really waited long enough. We soooo want to be parents. I am sure that there are one, or two, children out there that are meant to be ours. And that is exciting. I'm not afraid of adopting, or suddenly having everything I've been waiting for for 9 long years, I'm afraid of moving forward only to have to wait. Again.

I am choosing to ignore that possibility and push forward. So that's where we are. I am going to contact a couple local agencies to meet with them this week. And then check into any classes, seminars, counseling we may need. I am assuming that will depend on the agency we choose, and so on.

I'm so excited... :) Have a happy day!

When things just don't work

I am taking a break. From all things baby. For my sanity, for my health, I'm just putting it on the back burner for now. Not long (hopefully) but long enough. Right now things just aren't happening as quickly as I'd like, or in the order that I'd like.

I had two interviews today, but neither is Oscar worthy. I would love the one, like the other, and well, neither one of them will fulfill my wallet as much as I'd like. I think I'm having a small and early mid-life crisis. Is crisis the correct word? I don't know. But right now, short of living in a great state, and possibly finding a new job, not much else is falling into place.

So, I need to step back and take a look at what's wrong, and fix it. I need to find, figure and fix, and then I'll be back. But I'm hopeful and positive that soon we'll be chugging along...again. :)

Have a happy day!

Hmmmm...

I have been thinking about all of this for most of the day. I am looking for a job. I was so hopeful and excited today, everything seemed to be going my way. Then I checked the status on three jobs that I applied for, and they deemed me unqualified. Pffft. Wrong answer. I knew that finding a job would be challenging, but now that I know that once I actually get a job, and get things lined up we can start the paperwork and the process to finally being a family, with children, it seems like it just isn't going to happen.

I'm still optimistic, and hopeful, but I'm growing impatient, and nervous, and bummed. Sparky is convinced that I don't have a chance at the job that I really want, and while I'll admit that he's the more pessimistic of the two of us, I know that I have to think in terms of reality. I know no one. Well, I know like 6 people here. One being my husband, so that makes my chances even more slim. And well, these jobs are good jobs, highly sought after, for good reason, but dang it, I was really hoping that I might have a shot. I'm not out, and I have faith, but I have started applying for other jobs that aren't really exactly what I was looking for.

So, I'm trying to be patient, but I am so anxious to get this all started. I want to shout it from the roof tops, and I'm really anxious to finally meet my child. And I know that portion of it is still a ways off, but I'm really excited to move closer to the point in which I can meet my child. Hold him/her in my arms, and I'm not going to share. LOL. Okay, maybe I will, I just want to see who has been waiting for me, as long as I've been waiting for him/her. Now, is that too much to ask?

Summer is here!

Happy Summer!

We are hoping for a fun and busy summer. One of the jobs that I have applied for closes at the end of this week. I am excited and hopeful, but also aware that it may not happen, and have begun making a list of other options. Hopefully I won't need them, but just in case, I'm prepared.

This week we are also hoping to finalize everything with the new rental. The owner is young, having fun, and very busy, which is great, but I need to get some things hammered out as the one month deadline is coming up very soon. So that's on the list of things to do.

Other than that, we are just enjoying our new decision. Growing increasingly comfortable with it every day, and I've noticed that Brent is voicing this decision, almost more than I do. That's the interesting twist. In the past Brent has always been more resistant to adoption, but now he's all for it, full speed ahead, which is great.

This week I'm also hoping to research more agencies in Alaska, and hopefully find some real information that doesn't come from a book. We don't know anyone here who has adopted through an agency, like we did in Minnesota, so it turns the tables a little bit. However, I am a firm believer in trusting my instincts, so I think we'll be fine. With instinct and prayer we will prevail! Ha!

So, happy day! I'll be back when I have some real news!!

Springing Along

As we inch up on summer, things seem to be looking up. Seem to be. I learned a long time ago never to count on anything that isn't written in stone. Like, just because we think we have a new place to live, doesn't mean we do. And just because I've applied for a million jobs, doesn't mean that I will be fortunate to land any of them. But in all positive thinking, I believe we're just that much closer to having a place to live.

We took a stroll out to see it tonight. Well, to see the outside. So we drove up and gawked and got our eye full. So, it looks promising. Very, very promising. So, hopefully in the next few days we'll be able to get a look inside, and then, God willing, we can cross that off our list.

Other than that, I'm still scanning the want ads and job search sites every single day. However, my options are limited. But I have faith that in time, it will happen. I pray and search for patience, but I'm having a hard time with patience. Patience is not something that comes to me easily, so being patient is a huge stretch for me. HUGE. So, somedays I just pretend that it's okay, and that seems to help. Some days I try not to think about any of it at all. And today I packed. Premature? Perhaps, but it's just stuff that we don't use and the space is and could be better utilized and occupied by other objects and articles.

So, that's what I do to try to stay optomistic. That and clean. I have been a cleaning machine. Windows, closets, cabinets, floors, porches, sheds and basically anything that stands still long enough. Watch out! Here I come.... LOL.

Happy Birthday To Me

Today is my birthday. Normally, I am depressed by my birthday. Usually it's just another reminder that I am older, that my eggs are older, and that my chances of becoming a mother are slimmer. But not today. Today I am happy. I am blessed. I have a great life, and soon (Oh Dear God, PUHLEASE let it be soon) we'll be starting the adoption process. I am SO ready to be a mom. So. Ready. Well, I think I'm ready which I'm sure is much different than actually being ready.

So tomorrow when we pick up and pack away to a cabin in the woods, I will use that time to reflect on the last year, and to hope and pray for the pitter patter of tiny feet in the new one. I'm older, and hopefully wiser, and much more at peace with my life than I was even months ago. It's amazing what one (seemingly) small decision can make in your life.

So, today is indeed, a HAPPY Birthday!

Have a happy day!

Hello Friend

Meeting new people is always exciting. And since I am now going on month four in our new location, I'm beginning to meet people. It's fascinating to learn where they came from, why they're here, and what they do. I love people's stories, they all seem so much better and more interesting than mine. Inevitably the conversation turns to children. It's one of those harmless ice breaker questions, how many children do you have?

And for the most part, it's easy to answer. We don't have children...yet. I have noticed, however, now that I'm growing older, that the answer isn't as readily accepted as it was in my 20's. Now, it's usually posed as a question, and every-so-often you get the idiot that speaks out of turn, trying to ease his/her own discomfort, by saying that we made the "smart" choice by not having kids. Hmmmm. What do I do? Most often than not, I just smile, and die a little inside. It's hard, to be the infertile one. I think the pity is harder to deal with than the stupid comments.

Now, I know that these parents love their children. Really, I'm not that ignorant, or bitter. But sometimes it does pain me, just a little, that they don't truly realize what annoying little blessings they've been given. I know that being a parent isn't easy, but it is a blessing. And it isn't something that happens for everyone. It isn't a given. That's the mistake I made, assuming that it was my right, my guarantee. Ha! There are no guarantees. It is a privilege. And a blessing.

Count your blessings...name them one by one...Count your blessings...see what God has done.

Chug, Chug, Chug

We continue to chug upward and onward. Hopefully things will continue to fall into place, but if not I think I'm prepared for that. I think. Ha!

Well, since making the decision, we have both been relieved and happy. The position that I had a head's up on has opened up, and I applied promptly, but I'm sure there will be many others who also applied. It's with the same company as Sparky, so that would be great. And we found out that his company does offer adoption support, so that's a double bonus. I need to get out the manual today to figure out some numbers, but that really is wonderful. I'm super excited about it.

Next item on the list is finding a new place to live. Well, technically we've found the place, it's just to figure out if we can make it work once our lease here is done. We may have a couple months of difference between the end of this lease, and the the availability of the house. But we'll see what happens. Maybe it will work, maybe not. Our only complaint here is the lack of space. Other than that, we like it here, so we'll see what happens.

Spring is springing here, and it's been great. I think the sun has helped me maintain a positive attitude, well, that and the excitement. Have I mentioned that I'm excited? lol. Anyway, there are still some questions we need answered, in terms of agencies, but other than that we're just chugging forward.

Have a happy day!

Weight Lifted

I have been feeling great today. The ups and downs of infertility have been hard the last few months, probably because I have nothing else to think about. Seriously. Very few other things cross my mind. It's sad, really. But when you've wanted something so long, it's hard to file it away. When I was working, spending time with friends, I had other outlets for it. Now, I'm just sitting, waiting for life to happen.

Today was great. I feel like all doubt is lifted, though I'm sure those thoughts will come back at some point, but knowing that Sparky and I are on the same page and moving forward is great. Truly great. I know that there will be tough days, tough waits ahead, but at this point in time, I really feel like I could conquer anything.

I wonder now what it will feel like to go through the steps. The first will be picking an agency. I have a very strong idea of which agency we'll choose here, because, well, there aren't as many choices here. And this agency has a fairly good reputation so far. Also there counseling services are second to none. That's very important to me.

So, tonight I plan to lay my head down, and have some very, very sweet dreams!

Signs in the Goofiest Places

Sometimes you find messages in the most unexpected places. Let me explain.

Sparky and I talk about adoption and building our family very often. I have known for a couple years now that adoption was in our future at some point. But tonight, we finally sat and just talked about it. Our hopes, our dreams and how to proceed.

In the past I was bothered by logistics and things beyond my control. It wasn’t until someone pointed out that ultimately what comes next is our decision. Within our control. I don’t know why hearing it that day made a difference, but it really brought things into focus for both of us.

Today we knew that we will move forward with adoption as soon as possible. All I need now is a job. I cannot even begin to explain how excited we both are. I mean really, finally our dreams of becoming parents will come to fruition. It’s been a long journey, but we’re both ready for it.

Now, the message. Where did it come from? Sex in the City, The Movie. Who knew? I guess it’s just how it’s meant to be sometimes. Kind of crazy.

Here’s hoping all your dreams come true!

Sometimes Life is Unfair

18 Kids and Counting?

Have you seen this show? It’s a reality TV show on Discovery Health featuring the Duggar family. They are a wholesome, Christian family continually adding to their brood. I have no issues with them, truly I don’t. However, I just can’t help but wonder at the unfairness of the world. This one family is able to have 18+ healthy, beautiful children. Couldn’t just one or two of them be for me? Really.

Tonight’s episode focused on their eldest, newly-married son Josh and his wife, Anna. They have been trying to conceive for 4 grueling months. In this episode Anna takes the test and has Josh look for the results. She can’t bear to. It’s too disappointing. Now, I know that in their life 4 months seems like a long time, but OH PUHLEASE. Four months? FOUR MONTHS? Try 9 freakin’ years. Seriously.

Okay, sorry. That was my pity party. They really are a nice couple and I wish them much happiness and a healthy pregnancy. But sometimes life just seems really unfair. All in all, I’m pretty happy with my life. Am I happy that we don’t have children? No. However, not having to move young children 3000 miles is just one of the positives that I can find to the whole situation. Sometimes you just have to focus on the positive.

I generally have a pretty good attitude about it all. However, I started this blog as an outlet for all of my emotions. For some reason I don’t seem to come here when I’m happy and okay about all the infertility business. I seem to write and reflect on the lower periods. You know. When I’m throwing myself a big ole pity party.

I think some of my issues stem around being the middle child. I wanted to be first. At one thing. I know, it’s silly, and as I say it out loud it sounds even more childish than just thinking it. But, it’s how I feel, and I refuse to apologize for that. Truth is, I won’t be first, at anything, but damn it, I can be the best! LOL.

Honestly, at this point in my life I would love for my brothers to make me an aunt. However, I know that in time they will, or won’t, depending on what they want from their lives. I love my niece, and both of my nephews, and they are growing up way too fast. Can you believe my niece graduates next month? It hardly seems possible.

So for now I wait. I wait for my time, for my first. So wait, I will.

Have a happy day!

Gathering

Well, it seems like I have momentarily forgotten that this blog existed. Okay, that's not true, but I haven't had much to update. I'm still unemployed, and since adoption agencies generally like to be paid, that might be an issue. So, I'm hanging out, waiting for the right opportunity.

Right now my days are spent focusing on becoming healthier. We did quite a bit of hiking, and I realized I need to work on my cardio, and weight loss. So, now that little Willie has flew the coop that's my focus.

I wish, every single day, that my fate would change and by some miracle we would get pregnant, or a baby would magically drop into my life, however, reality strikes and it's fine. Sometimes I just get tired of the work that goes into building a family. However, someday my kids will see this, read this and realize how long we've wanted them.

This month notes the 9 year mark. 9 years ago we decided that we wanted a child, we flung ourselves headfirst into babymaking, and started the long, winding road. And while we don't have our long-awaited child, I now see an end in sight to our longing and sadness and cannot wait to start the next portion of our trip.

So, that's where I am. TRYING to wait patiently. However, patience is not something that runs in my family tree. Have you met my father? Or me? Patience is not a word I would use to describe either of us.

Hopefully soon I'll be writing about my great job, and moving forward with choosing an agency, and hopefully some day soon, adding a sweet little bambino to our family tree.

Have a happy day!

Baby, Baby, Baby

Spring is a natural time for babies. Animals, birds, humans. What a lovely time of the year. I don't know what it is about spring that makes it seem like anything is possible. Anything. We are still chugging along on the adoption track. Sparky's co-workers wife (which I may have mentioned in a previous post) works with adoptions in Alaska. What a wonderful resource at our finger tips. The problem? I have yet to meet her! J is out of work on military duty for the next couple weeks, so for now we're just hanging out, waiting for things to shuffle into place.

I watched the most beautiful Adoption Story on the Discovery Channel today. I sometimes am embarassed that it took me so long to see the writing that was there all along. However, I know that it's all about the right child for us and God's timing. It has very little to do with us. Very. Little. Anyway, this story was about a couple in California that adopted twins from foster care. Ziggy and Nola. OMGoodness. They were the cutest little boogers. And it just made my heart leap. It was beautiful from beginning to end and I sobbed through the whole thing.

So, for now we're enjoying spring, and planning for the future. Sometimes I find it hard not to get ahead of myself. But honestly I cannot help it, I have been researching furniture, car seats, diapers, bottles, etc. Like I said, my mind is off to the races!

Happy Spring!

A New Day

It's certainly nice to have something to focus on other than the things that I don't have in my life. While I won't lose the urge to have a child of my own anytime soon, having little Willie around has certainly been nice. He's so fun, and energetic, and I think I've lost weight since he arrived.

Last night we all had a really good night. Tuesday night stunk in our household, Willie did not want to sleep at all. Well, catnaps and then he was back to biting toes, noses and pulling the blankets off. So, last night when Willie passed out hiding under the bed, we took advantage and piled into bed at 8 p.m. We all slept soundly until Wee Willie's bladder beckoned relief at 12:30 and then back to bed until 4:30 a.m. It was glorious, heavenly, fantastic.

I am refreshed, renewed and ready to tackle anything. Well, almost anything. That store with the big Bull's Eye that doesn't have stores in Alaska is getting on my nerves. They sent out their baby sale flyer. I can save over $30 with coupons, on baby stuff, thanks. But really it's fun to look at those chubby cheeks, and all the money I could be saving. Lol.

Have a happy day!

Baby Willie

I would imagine that having a puppy in the house is much like having an infant. No, I don't have to feed him at midnight, but with a teeny, tiny bladder we went out many times during the night. Also, he was all kinds of wound up and didn't want to sleep. Every time I'd drift off he'd pop up and lick/bite me in the nose. But he's super cute.

In many ways I think a human infant might be easier. Diapers. No going outside into the vast wilderness to potty the little devil. Oh, and have I mentioned his penchant for ducking under the porch and playing hide-and-seek at 3 a.m.? Not. So. Amusing. But he's really cute.

Honestly though, I am hopeful and surprised at the amount of patience that I've had with Willie and Ches, and well, I might actually be good at this parenthood thing. I have, however, made a command decision. No puppies. Not until the kids are old enough to help care for them. I cannot even imagine if I had to deal with babies and puppies. YIKES!!!

Have a happy day!

Relaxing

Now that I have put my mind at ease I have been able to just relax and enjoy life. I am expecting the arrival of a baby in my house tonight. That was fast huh? LOL. Actually I have volunteered to puppy sit the most adorable 9 week old black lab puppy. Willy.

For now I am searching for other things to obsess about. I am currently seeking work. We moved a couple months ago, and I was undecided as to what I would do. Now I've decided that while I like spending my days in my sweats and/or pajamas, I also crave human interaction. I would like to talk to someone. Actually speak. So, that's my main objective now.

Plus, the extra funds would be nice to put away and rebuild the savings account. And let's face it, money is necessary for children. They are small, but they require a lot of stuff. Oh, boy. Have I mentioned we live in 750 square feet? Lol. Seriously. It will be just fine and I'm concerned about it in the least.

So for now I'm happy, calm and relaxed about all of it. It's been a long time since I've felt that. I spent a lot of time sad, depressed, numb, and then I just didn't think about it at all. At all. So now I'm happy and relaxed. And relieved. What a lovely feeling.

Have a happy day!

Bliss

I have taken some time in the past few days to sit back and analyze my feelings. I have a long history of running when I'm scared. Not actually running, but turning tail and avoiding the issue, so I've decided to not do that. I am facing my fears head on.

I have a dreamt of being a mother my entire life. I don't remember ever NOT wanting to be a mom. My days as a girl were spent mimicking life as Carolyn Ingalls, baking breads and pies, cooking, and washing laundry in a tub outside my playhouse. I would strap my baby seat to the front of my bike, and use shoelaces to tether my babies in and take them along. I couldn't bear for them to be left behind.

When my brothers, cousins and uncle would steal my babies I would wail in fear that one would be injured. I would sneak them into the house and tuck them all in, much to my Mom's dismay, often times hiding them in my closet. And now that I am much older, I can admit that I played with dolls until I was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too old.

The desire was always there. Always.

And now after nearly 9 years of waiting for it, the thought of it being so close, so tangible, is very, very frightening. What the heck do I know about being a mother?

I have fretted. I have overthought all of it. I have made it much more than it needs to be. And every time I think about it. I keep coming back to one thing. I want to be a mom. I want a child. Children. Not I want a child just like me.

I put it out there. I gave it to God. And now I have my answer. A very wise friend told me today to follow my bliss. To do what makes me happy. Not to worry about the needs, wishes, desires of those around me. She asked me why I was worrying about things I could not control? And why those things were suddenly so important? I had no answer. And I knew.

That doesn't mean that I won't freak out 100 more times before we make the big decisions. But we are closer now than we have ever been. We spent 30 minutes rearranging our house in our minds to make it make sense. And it will. When it's supposed to. Until then my goal is to try to enjoy this very exciting time in our life.

Let the games begin!

Dreams

As you can tell by the past few posts I'm having issues. It's a very weird sensation, but I'm having a very strong urge to have a bio child. It could be that my birthday is coming soon, or it could be that I am finally letting myself think about it all. I haven't done that in a long time. I'm pretty good at putting things away and compartmentalizing them. But for some unknown reason, the urge to bear a child is undeniably strong right now.

I will recognize that it will pass. Perhaps it's a character flaw of mine. I don't know. Maybe it's normal? I don't know that either. What I do know is right now nothing is out. I am simultaneously researching and seeking out adoption information and reading about infertility and how to overcome it. I have even gone so far as to rule out some agencies here in Alaska. There are still a couple agencies I'm having a hard time reaching, but I am confident in time I will. Though it troubles me slightly to not get a prompt response, and that may be something to note for future communications.

Last night didn't help. I had a very vivid and real dream about having, holding and nursing my newborn child. So vivid that I woke clenching my blanket to my chest as if protecting a newborn. That didn't help the baby pangs either.

I feel guilty about wanting a bio child. And then get angry that I feel guilty about wanting to experience pregnancy. Then roll my eyes and think that I'm silly for all of this. And then I just decided that I don't care if it seems strange to someone else. I have to do this my way. And if someone wants to judge me, feel free. I have had enough regrets in my life, I'm not about to add another one.

So, that's where I am. Technically I can't move forward with either until we make some decisions. For bio child, I am working on my physical issues. The ones that I can control. And for adopted child, we have to decide if we are going to stay in this house, and some other decisions before I feel comfortable pushing forward. So, I have time, and I'm going to take that time to do what's best for me, and my family.

Here I sit. My mind still reeling. But at least it's positive, happy decisions to make. And I sit here and realize my life can, and has, been a lot worse. So, I'm not going to sweat the small stuff. Hell, maybe I'll just do both.

Have a happy day!

Flipping and Flopping...

Okay, I just want to say that I'm not a twit. I'm not. But I'm not one that takes responsibility lightly. And I also have this guilt complex. I want to clarify that my reservations are not with adoption itself. I'm very clear on that. And I have no doubt that at the minimum a portion of our family will come through adoption.

I have an issue with being told what to do. I'll take it from God. After all, He's the Master, and His word is the only word. However, it is my defiant nature, just ask my parents (ha!), that I strongly resist someone bossing me around. Okay, so this is where the indecision comes in. I don't want to be rude, or rash, or say something in haste.

I have come to terms with my infertility. Having a biological child is no longer something that I have to do. It is simply something that I would like to do. However, no matter how much I try, I may never have a biological child. And that truly is fine. My issue is being told that once I adopt a child I no longer have a right to decide whether or not to pursue more fertility treatments. We may, or we may not, but in my opinion, that is our choice. It is not for someone else to decide.

So, that is where my indecision lies. I am still convinced that adoption is how our family will be built. Whether it's 100% or not, I have no idea. That's my sticking point. But we are still researching agencies, seeking out information, and networking in any way, shape and form. I do not doubt my ability to love any child. Whether that child is red or yellow, black or white, biological or adopted, male or female has no determination on my ability to bond or love. The process may be different, but I know the result will be the same. I have NEVER doubted that.

I think the process for others is quicker. But once I commit I can guarantee there will be no going back. I will commit. I AM committed.

Have a happy day!

Indecision

I'm a flip-flopper. I just am. It's in me. Every time I think I'm A-OK with something, I start to make a mental list of pros and cons. Or I freak out a bit.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am fully on board with adoption. I have had one issue with it since the beginning of the true research phase. Most adoption agencies want infertile couples to completely put trying to conceive behind you. I just don't know if I can. Or if I'm ready to do that.

I would like to have control over that aspect of my life. I don't. I haven't ever. So it ticks me off a little bit that my reproductive future is so important to someone else. I just don't know what it matters. Isn't it my choice? Shouldn't it be my choice. I have no doubt that at least a portion of my family will come through adoption, so what should it matter in which order that happens.

I have made no definite decisions about anything. Because, thankfully, I don't have to right at this minute. However, the decision will have to come sooner or later.

Any ideas??

Have a happy day!

Humming Along

Lately I've been reading. Sparky and I have been talking a lot about adoption, and just waiting to feel a little more settled. I think right now the major issue will be finding space for another body in this house. I don't care about perfect anymore, that went out the window nearly 9 years ago. But it would be nice to have the physical space for at least a bassinet.

Sparky has a co-worker whose wife deals with adoptions. I don't know if she's with an agency, or in what capacity, but I am interested in speaking with her. When we were in Minnesota we had first hand recommendations from a family friend regarding an agency. Here, we're free falling. So, at the minimum I'm hoping that she can provide me with people who have adopted here in Alaska.

Brent has another co-worker that adopted his 4 year old. However, it was a family adoption, and it was completed before they arrived here. That doesn't help me out. So for now I continue to gather information and hope and pray for guidance.

This step is exciting. I'm hoping we'll be making it very, very soon. And I'm looking forward to what the future holds for our family.

Have a happy day!

Light Reading

Today I was finally able to get into town to pick up my Amazon package. As expected, it was my copy of this book. I opened it as soon as I got home and read the first 20 pages. So far, upon skimming, it is a great book. Most of the early pages are just an overview of my feelings toward adoption. Since we're past this point, I mainly skimmed.

I am looking forward to getting deeper into the book and seeing what the coming chapters have in store for us. They do give a listing of agencies by state in the back of the book, so I do have a couple more agencies to call next week. Awesome.

Since the snow is coming down outside, Sparky and I are spending our time watching movies tonight. We are currently watching Wall-E. What a cute little movie. I knew that it was a favorite among children, but I had no idea how cute and funny it would be! If you haven't seen it, you should check it out.

I will definitely be buying this to add our DVD collection for when the book pays off and we're spending Friday nights just like tonight...except with one (or two) little addition.

Have a great day!

In My Freetime...

Yesterday I decided to take the plunge. Well, not THE plunge, but I took the plunge in the kiddy pool. Which means that I was wet to my shins, or ankles. Ha! Anyway, the point is that I finally sat down with the information from Fairbanks Counseling & Adoption.

The packet was good, informative and provided me with a good overview of their agency. They work with all couples whether they provide only home study services for those couples/parents seeking out a birth mom on their own, to domestic adoptions, to international adoptions, to special needs adoptions.

In their packet they included articles from various publications, about an example of each type of adoption that their agency provides. Included in that information, much to my surprise and delight, was a blogger friend, Laurie and her family at Pho For Five. I have been reading Laurie's blog for quite a bit of time because although their adoption story is unique and individual, they have two sons through adoption, and a biological daughter.

So, I read through the information. It was good, and clear, concise and now I'm ready to search out more information and keep plugging forward. There were some pleasant surprises, but I really do need to seek out more information and more agencies. And I'm still waiting for that book.

Are You Fireproof?

I had heard a lot about this movie in the past couple weeks. It seems like everyone I know was watching it, and finally curiousity got the better of me. We rented it this weekend. As we sat down to watch on Saturday afternoon, I had NO idea that my life would be changed. Does that sound dramatic to you? Well, it probably is, but it is the truth.

While the acting is not Oscar worthy, the message of the story is life-changing. It is moving beyond words, and once you just open your heart and let it lead you, it pulls you past the sometimes awkward scenes.

I will highly recommend this movie to anyone I know. Married, unmarried, in a relationship, or not. I believe that you can take the principals and concepts and apply them to every relationship in your life.

Even in the past 24 hours I have watched my words and actions. Thought before I spoke, which for me is sometimes a challenge, and re-examined my feelings, thoughts, and attitudes toward loved ones in my life.

Watch it. Watch it with the one you love. I promise you, it will be worth it.

Family Guy

Sparky and I are a big fan of the animated show Family Guy. It's a great show full of off-color humor and while I have seen other shows that push the boundaries of really inappropriate humor, tonight I was really bothered and Sparky actually changed the channel. I know if he changes the channel, then I'm not being overly sensitive.

We were sitting watching the episode featuring Good Ole Bill Clinton, which is hilarious by the way, when all of sudden there was a scene, a ditty, about Prom night dumpster babies. Ugh. It was horrid. I was shocked. And so...angry. I know it was in jest, but I guess it's just much too personal for me. And truthfully it's something thtat bothers me. I know it's stereotypical. There are a lot of responsible teen mothers who raise their children, or place their children for adoption, but it just stung. It really hurt.

Anyway, moving on. So I know that I gave this huge rousing speech earlier in the week, but I have been busy, busy, busy. I have had no time to do anything with the adoption stuff. But I'm getting there.

I have changed my diet and am phasing out starches. I still have oatmeal for breakfast. I eat the traditional cook and serve, and also a cold oatmeal cereal. It's good for my cholestorol level which is elevated because of PCOS. So, that will be the last element I cut out in time. For now I'm phasing them out, and I have NO starches after lunch, and minimal at lunch. So far so good. But it's only Tuesday, of the first week. Ha! I think I'm reasonable, it will all come in time.

I have also started working out again. I'm doing videos at home, and really miss the home gym that I didn't use for the past 1.5 years. Man. But I did pick up two new videos and they seem to be good, both of them, in their own right. They are kicking my buttoon, so I figure that's a good guage. I'll let you know if/when I start to see results.

Have a great day!

Moving Forward

Somewhere over the weekend I took the trip to see the great and powerful Oz. I don't know when I found the time, but it must have been while I was sleeping. But whatever, I'm happy that it happened. He gave me great advice, as it turns out.

Since knowledge is power I have decided to continue gathering as much information as humanly possible. Why not? We still haven't made the decision of which direction we are planning to go. Brent is still learning toward attorney and networking ourselves, and I'm leaning towards an agency.

So I'm starting out by buying this book. I've heard that it's the best in the what's to know about everything adoption. After that I'm digging out the information that I received a couple weeks ago from an agency in Fairbanks, and then I'm going to continue down the list of numbers I have to seek out more information.

In between all of that I'm going to get my sorry butt working, since having children isn't exactly cheap, I need to start bringing in some money. In addition to that my brain is craving something to do on a daily basis.

Also, because my PCOS has had a nice long hiatus of a few months I'm going to be starting my Metformin, a common treatment for PCOS this morning. Met usually leaves me feeling pretty crummy, so it's a good thing that I'm home. I'll have to build up my tolerance over the next few weeks. That should give me something to complain, er I mean blog about, in the coming days.

I know I seem half crazy, but dealing with infertility is much more about the emotional and mental scars for me. After feeling like I've been knocked down time after time, I really just have to build myself up for the next portion of the journey. I'm beyond excited to finally become a mom, and I know that biology has NOTHING to do with love. Truthfully, I have no doubts about my ability to love whatever child/ren God has for us. In fact, I'm quite convinced that I just wasn't meant to have bio children. Great. Honestly, I just wish I'd figured that out sooner.

Heaven knows that the journey here has been full of ups and downs, but I'm fastening my seatbelt and getting ready for the next (and undoubtedly best) portion of the ride. Hands up, mouths open, leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet's gooooooooooooooooo!!!

Have a happy day!

I need a trip to the Wizard of Oz

I am normally a pretty outgoing person. Once I make up my mind I usually just go for it. So, why oh why cannot I not just move forward with at least reading the adoption information that I have received? I'm afraid. Truly afraid.

It's not like me to be the Cowardly Lion. I usually know what I want and go for it. So it frustrates me. I get so far, and stop. Go. Stop. Go. Stop. It's really quite annoying. Really annoying.

So, that's really all the further I've gotten on that front.

In other news, it's been a pretty emotional week. A co-worker of my baby brother's was injured in the line of duty. Please keep Deputy Dewey in your thoughts and prayers. He was shot in the abdomen and the head. We are praying for his recovery.

Also, a friend from high school was killed this a.m. While we weren't close, he was close to someone I was close to at one time, and it just brings our mortality to mind. He was my age, and dated one of my closest friends once upon a time. It just hits you in the heart. I feel for his children and his family.

Progress in bits

Hello Everyone!

Well, we have had an interesting weekend. If you read my other blog you'll know that our vehicle broke down, and our computer crashed. While it wasn't quite the Valentine's Day that I was hoping for, it turned out to be a good time to focus on the positive. If things are going to go wrong, I guess this is the way to have it happen.

This also stands true with our infertility. While I would prefer to have had children in my time versus God's time, I have come to understand that ultimately He knows what's best for us. Maybe, just maybe, He has a better plan for my life than I could have imagined.

During our trip to Fairbanks on Sunday Brent and I were able to have a very good, honest talk about our life, adoption and our plans for the future. Brent is leaning towards hiring a lawyer and networking on our own. That surprised me a little, but not as much as I might have thought in the beginning. So, we'll sit down when life settles down a little bit, and then we'll make a firm decision.

It's still the research stage, and I'm trying to collect as much information, and good, real information as possible. Then we'll go from there.

For the first time in a long time, I'm feeling very positive and happy about becoming a mom. We'll see. Only time will tell.

Happy Day!

I'm Quirky

I guess anyone that knows me, knows that I'm quirky. I have many different sides to me. And I personally think it's very good, but annoying.

When Brent and I first started trying to build our family I used to buy a "good luck charm" every time I would pee on a stick. Now I have a tote full of GLC's sitting in the storage unit waiting for that baby that is taking his/her sweet time. For some I'm sure that it would be sad, but for us it's been comfort. To pull out this or that and hope, dream, wish. So, someday I'm going to have to go and retrieve that tote that we've been collecting all these years.

Since I'm divulging secrets, I can also tell you that we have our children named. In fact, if truth be told, I could name Nadya Suleman's family from start to finish. Of course, as with everything, there is good and bad in that. Everytime someone I know is having a baby I hold my breath, and fervently hope that they don't choose the names that top our lists. So far, so good. I think that last revision for those reasons took place about 5-6 years ago. And I'm really over it. Well, I'm over it now. But it is ultimately, just a name.

As I said, I'm quirky. But I've also learned over time, that I'm not quite so abnormal as I once thought.

Sweet Dreams!

One Step Forward

So, we have been a little busy here. With the move, getting settled, Sparky starting his new job, we have a lot going on in our lives. So far we are liking the new location, and I hope that it stays that way. I'm sure that it will.

I had called and requested adoption information from a few local agencies. The information has been sitting on top of the fridge for about a week. A week. And I can't make myself read it, or research the agency. I don't know why. It's truly like I'm frozen in fear. Fear and longing. I'm hoping that I'll get over it soon.

Right now I think the biggest decision we have to face is whether or not to push forward with adoption. Then after that it will be to decide whether we are more comfortable with an agency or a adoption lawyer. There are benefits to both, and I'm sure there are drawbacks to both. I am busy collecting information and doing research and then we'll move forward from there.

I'm fortunate to have great friends and family. In recent months they have put themselves out there to find us a potential baby. Although those connections did not work out for us, I'm hoping that the ladies have made decisions that will make them, and their children, happy and healthy. So, that was a very positive discovery that we indeed have a lot of people looking out for us, our interests, and ultimately helping us build our family. We are truly blessed.

So, here lie the thoughts and ramblings of a mother...just waiting (and waiting and waiting) for
her child, or children.

Sweet Dreams!

More than my Infertility

I'm on facebook. Are you on facebook? Anyway, it's a great tool for staying in touch. It seems like everyone gets busier and busier these days and no one has time for a full email let alone a full phone call. Anyway, on facebook they put together all these little notes. In one note you are to name 25 random things about you. One of my 25 things was this:



My infertility does not define me and will not keep me from being a mother.



It's true. I am so much more than this label that has been placed on me. Most infertile women are more than this horrible, horrible thing that has happened to them, and yet, it seems like it's the only thing that some of the people in their lives can remember about them.

Infertility has changed me. I no longer take things for granted, I'm no longer willing to just take someone else's word and leave it at that, I am stronger, I am strong-willed, and I am less romantic about most notions in life.

For a long time I have regretted not completing college. At the time, I just wasn't ready. I had no desire once I got there, all I wanted was to get married and have children. I have always planned on going back to school when the kids were in school. Sounds reasonable and normal. However, 9 years later I still want to go to school, and there are no children. So, now I have to re-evaluate another portion of my life and come up with a solution that I am happy with.

That seems what my life has become. Re-evaluations and solutions, or compromises if you will. But I guess that's what life always is.

A New Baby in the Family

I got the best news today. It seems my "little" cousin is expecting, and she's expecting a baby girl! How exciting!!

Sometimes I wonder why I don't hear the news sooner. I'm sure part of it is because we're miles and miles apart. I'm sure some of it is just because. And I wonder if part of it is because of my infertility. I guess it could be a combination of all of it.

The truth is yes, sometimes it is hard. But for the most part, I am truly happy for those around me who are fortunate enough to experience the miracle of a child. It is a miracle. It's an everyday miracle, but miraculous it is. To me.

So, for H&J, I wish you and your baby girl-to-be everything wonderful. I wish for you a happy and healthy pregnancy, and a lifetime of love and happiness and PINK.

Happy Day!

Moms Night Out

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I've been invited out to a Mom's Night Out. Seeing as I'm not a mother I questioned the invitee and she assured me that it's fine and that it's really just a group of women getting together. Honestly, I laughed. At this point I'm so lonely and disconnected that anything will do. So, when it comes about, I'll likely go. I did think that it was slightly ironic though.

We're having a nice weekend, nothing exciting going on right now. Just thought I'd pop in and say Hello.

Happy Day!

Baby Steps...Literally

So today since I had some time on my hands I placed a couple of calls to adoption agencies in our area. Since we're in a new state I have no idea what the laws are, and the second place I called actually answered the phone and is sending us a packet. The packet will go out tomorrow and I'm super excited to get it and just learn more about their agency.

Sparky had a long day at work today, so he was way too exhausted to talk. It's not exactly a light topic of conversation anyway. And he's probably all talked out. I'll just show him the packet when it comes and we'll see what they have to say.

Have a happy day!

I think God is trying to tell me something

Okay, so I try not to read too much into signs, and things like that. I believe that they exist, and sometimes I think He puts them in front of us to help us and guide us. Well, I think that's happening now.

Adoption has been a part of my life forever. One of my best friends growing up was adopted. It was never a huge thing, it's just how it was. It just...was. She and her brother were adopted and I never remember it being some life altering event, or information in our life. Maybe it was for her. I don't know.

As I grew up adoption was all around us. L and her family, my aunt and uncle pondered adoption, now I have friends that built their families through adoption. I'm fortunate to have lived it with them, to learn from them, and to bounce and ask away.

Sparky and I have been considering adoption for years now. Should we, shouldn't we? It seems like a no brainer, I know, but there are so many things to consider. So many. And with infertility there is a whole other level of mental game. It's hard to understand, and harder to explain.

I feel that I have researched and researched, I've joined message boards, and sought out information. Well, now that we're moving closer to making a definite decision, adoption ads, adoptive families, are EVERYWHERE. I think it may be a sign.

So, the moral of this post is that I think it's time for me to return calls, maybe contact some lawyers and agencies and try to decide what the best decision is.

I'm SOOOOOOO excited! :)

Light Me Up

So my last post was kind of a downer. I apologize for that. It's just who we are, and it's not always perfect and pretty. However, today I had a pretty crappy day in life, nothing to do with infertility, but I was cranky and certainly not the happiest picture to come home to.

However, being the great person that he is. The minute he walked in the door he just made me laugh and smile, and we really just enjoyed the rest of the night. Awwww. Sometimes the little, tiny things are the best. It was a happy, happy day.

Being home watching endless episodes of a Baby Story and having much too much time to look at my life and examine it with a fine comb and a microscope is not always a good thing. However, it gives me time to make lists, and look at many angles of every situation. We are growing older. Things have changed, our decisions about children, and how many have changed. But there is always a silver lining, and a rainbow after the rain, and frankly, I'm looking and hoping to find that pot of gold soon.

Sweet Dreams!

So much more than missing a child

I wish that I could put into words all the issues that come along with infertility. Infertility, the battle, the journey, is so much more than just missing a child. Infertility takes a toll on most marriages. Some marriages survive, others don't. I would like to hope, and I often pray, that ours will survive it.

No, we aren't getting divorced. But infertility has taken its toll. We both, at varying times, feel unsure about our future as a family. Some days it's easier, some days it's harder. There are so many other feelings that lie in the hearts and minds of infertile couples. We have to deal with feelings of hurt, loss and resentment. Are they unfounded? No, not entirely.

For me, I think the fact that they are valid is harder to deal with than the actual feelings themselves. I cannot speak for Sparky, but I know that sometimes he gets angry, for seemingly no reason, but under the anger is fear, and hurt, and resentment. And why shouldn't he feel those things? He could go out, find a new partner, and have as many little Sparky's as he has time and money for. I can't. Therefore, I have the same feelings. Probably in a slightly different order, and for slightly different reasons.

Sometimes I even feel like he should. When he promised to love me he didn't know that I was defective. If the tables were turned would I feel differently? I'm pretty sure that my emotions and feelings would run along the same lines as his.

Like most married couples we have good days and bad days. Some are better than others, some are worse. When you layer the infertility with it, it becomes much harder to come upon the real issue. Sometimes I become way too upset about the jelly being left on the counter, or his underwear in the corner of the bathroom. No, it's not about the jelly or his unders, but at the moment it's the only thing I can focus on.

Right now we have a lot of new things in our lives. A new home, a new job, in a new state. We are far, far away from those we love and count on. Sometimes I think it's good, and other times I worry that we might need some space from the feelings and the issues that we cannot ignore.

I know we'll be fine. How? Because we both care, and we both try to communicate the feelings we are having to eachother. We care enough to be concerned by them, to pray about them, and do something about them. I know that he loves me. If he didn't he wouldn't be here. I know that I love him, well, because I know myself better than anyone else.

We talk, and we sometalks "discuss" too loudly. But no one said marriage, let alone marriage with infertility, was perfect and clean. Sometimes it's messy, sometimes it's great, and sometimes it just is.

PCOS

As I’ve posted in previous posts, I have PCOS. I was told by my previous Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) that I have one of the most severe cases of PCOS/insulin resistance that he’s ever seen. Seeing that this man is one of the top RE’s at the Mayo Clinic, it means something to me.

So, what to do? I have to change my life. And while that seems like a simple statement, the magnitude of this life is huge. But it’s literally necessary for me to live. If I don’t I will become a diabetic in a matter of a few years, and I will never, ever be able to think about carrying a bio child. That’s pretty huge.

I won’t lie and say that it wasn’t devastating to hear the first time around. But now that the information has sunk in, it has to become my reality. It’s too important not too. Since my insulin resistance is so severe I will have to modify my diet to never, or never in regular intervals, consume starches.

This of course does not mean that I can survive on bacon and fried eggs for eternity. It means healthy, wholesome lean meats and vegetables. Lots and lots of salad without the heavy dressings. Thankfully, I love veggies and meat. Now that we’re living in Alaska I’m trying to add more fish and seafood to the menu. We’ll see how that goes.

So we’re doing our best to remove certain foods, and significantly reduce other foods that we eat. As a whole, we eat well. We don’t buy processed foods, and we try to keep other fast foods to a minimum. Some how it’s never enough. I have to get more strict in order to start seeing the results I need. But then again, no one said life was easy.

Attitude?

I remember the first time I’d heard of infertility. It was attached to some bizarre family somewhere that birthed a litter of children. I also remember at the time being so sure of myself, so sure that nothing like that would happen to me, and that if, God forbid, I was ever in that position, I would NEVER make the same choices they made.

Now that I’m older, and arguably wiser, I know all too well how personal the infertility journey is. There are so many people in our lives that try very hard to be supportive. But unless you know the pain and the emptiness you cannot possibly have an opinion. This makes it doubly hard to put up a wall against all those well-meaning people who come with advice and advice and more advice. If they only knew how many times the average infertile couple has heard “just relax”, or “go on vacation”, or “just adopt and you’ll get pregnant”.

In recent years, we’ve been fortunate to have infertility come to the forefront. When we first started TTC I felt so alone. Now there are many more women who come forward. There are many more programs on tv, much more information available through the internet, however, it’s also important to remember that each case of infertility is as different as the women/couples that it affects.

I’ve always been very open and comfortable talking about PCOS and the journey we’ve been through. I find, however, that many people are uncomfortable with the topic of infertility so I usually just hang back and then wait for cues from those we meet along the way.
Throughout the journey I’ve learned that Sparky is really much more open about it all. He’ll come home with information and stories of conversations. He feels very free to discuss it with whomever he comes in contact with, which I personally think is wonderful.

I thank God that I live in the times we live in. I would have been distraught and devastated having not known what was wrong. Unexplained infertility has to be even more frustrating than a diagnosis. So I’m fortunate in that we have medical information and advances in our corner.

Sorry...I'm on an internet hiatus

April will mark our 9th year of trying to conceive. Of course, at this point trying to conceive (TTC) means not being on birth control, and just hoping and praying that it might happen, maybe. Actually I rarely buy pregnancy tests anymore. I know that it will be negative, so why bother?
TTC has moved to long discussions about what and where to go next. We have all but decided to adopt. We have thought about, researched, and talked about adoption for a long time. Our issue, if that’s the correct wording, is not with our attitude towards adoption, but with agencies and they’re desire for infertile couples to not continue to TTC after the adoption process has been started.
Now, don’t get me wrong. We aren’t doing any treatments. They wouldn’t result in anything at this point anyway. We know that we don’t want to do in vitro, it’s just not right for us. Having a bio child isn’t that important to us. However, I don’t know if I’m ready to promise someone that I won’t change my mind. And just because we don’t prevent pregnancy, doesn’t mean that it will ever happen for us.
As an adoptive parent we will go through a lot of scrutiny. Mentally it makes every bit of sense in the world, emotionally it’s very, very difficult. As a woman that has survived IF, or hopes to survive IF, I feel judged every day. Most people assume that we don’t want children, others try to be encouraging with the just adopt then you’ll get pregnant mentality. Now with the pursuit of adoption I will have my life, my marriage, my mental status, my finances, my world examined.
I know that the choices and decisions that the birth parents will make are very difficult. I cannot fathom how excruciating it must be to know that the best decision is likely the hardest one they’ll have to make in their lifetime. How do you look at a piece of paper and choose a person/couple to hand your child’s life over too? So, I know that their portion of the process isn’t easy either. Most likely they have already felt judged, and shameful, though I hope that they would have loving, supportive people in their lives.
Now that Sparky and I have been going through all of this, we’re older. We face scrutiny and judgement in that alone. Most days I really don’t care, honestly. Then other days someone will make a completely innocent remark and I feel judged and beaten up emotionally. There are people who have tried longer, cried longer, and been older. But this is all I know.